Punch: Punch (101.1891)

November 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

233

Culch. (who has just dropped his glasses into his soup). I—all—
which lady are you referring too ? (Me cleans and adjusts his glasses
—to discover that he is face to face with Miss Hypatia Prexdergast.)
Ok . . . I—I see—precisely, quite so ! (He turns to Bellerby to
cover his confusion and avoid meeting Miss Prexdergast's eye.) I
beg your pardon, you were describing how you caught a tunny ?
Pray continue.

Mr. Bellerby (stiffly). Excuse me, I don't seem fortunate enough
to have secured your undivided attention.

Culch. (with intense interest). Quite the contrary, I assure you!
You were saying you always ordered it out of economy ?

Mr. B. Pardon me—I was saying nothing of the sort. I
was saying that I told the Manager I knew that was why he
thought I ordered it—a rather different thing! "You're quite
wrong," I said. "You may pay twopence-halfpenny a pound for
it, and charge me half-a-crown, if you like, but I mean to taste that
tunny ! " 1 was determined not to be done out of my tunny, Sir !

( ulch. (breathlessly). And what did the tunny—I mean the
Manager—say to that ?

Mr. B. Oh, made more difficulties—it wasn't to be got, and so on.
At last I said to him (very quietly, but he saw I was in earnest),
" Now I tell you what it is—I'm going to have that tunny, and, if
you refuse to give it me,—well, I shall just send my courier out for
it, that's all!" So, with that, they brought me some—and any-
thing more delicious I never tasted in all my life !

Culch. (to himself ). If I can only keep him on at this tunny !
(Aloud.) And—er—what does it taste like exactly, now ?

Mr. B. (pregnantly). You order it, Sir—insist on having it.
Then you '11 know what it tastes like !

[He devotes himself to his soup.

Culch. (with his eyes lowered—to himself). I must look up in
another minute—and then ! [He shivers.

"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS."

Oxe of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time is
mainly occupied by the composition of successful novels, sends us
the following, written by his type-writer. From this specimen it
will be gathered what a real economy in correcting letter-press a
type-writer must be.

Dear Editor

I send you ray new book to reed and if you
likit pleaase give me a legup.
The story ofmy other book was
anti-turkish but has not yet
been probited in Constanple
though it has reaehd its tetenth
edition, at least the ninth is
neraly all shrubsheribed bed-
fore it isrereaddy. If my pullis-
her is not sasfide oughtbe.
Never use pen now only typ-
writr so much quickerin tellgible convenent
anleshble Yours s SMUGGYNS

It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it was; at
the time of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or that it is a
very truthfully phonetic-writing but somewhat indiscreet amanu-
ensis. At the same time herewith and hereby every success to our
friend Smuggyxs's new book.

Hard Lines for. Hut.—When the first stone of a new theatre in
Cranbourne Street was laid the other day by some Magnates of the
Theatrical Profession—beg pardon, " the Profession,"we should have
said—Mrs. Baxcroft made a telling impromptu speech, and then
Mr. Yardley, ancient Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on
the head—accidentally, of course—by the bottle which is in use on
these occasions. " Yery Yardley treated," observed Sir Deeeiola-
xus, in his happiest vein. Not the first literary gent who, according
to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry period, has been "cut"
by ill-use of the bottle. But the unfortunate author's sorrows did
not end with this sad blow, as, very soon afterwards, his dear friends
the Critics, with profuse apologies "for being compelled to handle him
so severely, were down upon him for bis new version of a French
pieceentitled The Planter. So the logical sequence of events was,
that first a blow was planted, and then appeared The Planter.

Ax Ecclesiastical Laymax.—At a meeting in Home, the '' Duke di
Seemoxeta " took the chair. If ever there were a staunch Church-
man, this by his name, rendered in English as " Sermon-devourer,"
should be he.

OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUiVIN.

Telegraphic Address—" Crcesus, E.C."

Sir,—Let me first express my financial acknowledgments to the
teeming_millions who have honoured me, and benefited themselves
by seeking my advice since my first
letter appeared last week. Communi-
cations containing cheques, postal
orders, and stamps, have poured in
upon me in one unceasing torrent.
The consignors have, in every case, been
good enough to say that they handed
all they possessed over to me, in the
full confidence that I would invest the
proceeds to the best advantage in some
of the countless undertakings in which
I wield a paramount influence. Their
trust is fully deserved.

Investors will remember that, in the
course of the last German Expedition to
Central Africa, a tract of country, rich
in every mineral deposit, and ad-
mirably fitted for the operations of
husbandry, was discovered in lat. 423, long. 65°. The Germans at
that time had not a single handkerchief left, and were unable,
therefore to hoist the German flag over the palace of the native king,
Gel-gell. Private information of this was conveyed to me. I at
once fitted out an Expedition at my own expense, placed myself at
the head of it, and after terrible hardships, in the course of which no
less than two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to
the bite of the poisonous contango fly, or had to be mercifully dis-
patched by the hammer (a painless native form of death), in order to
end their tortures, I succeeded in reaching the capital, where I was
hospitably received by the king. After a negotiation of three weeks,
His Majesty agreed, in the kindest and most affable manner, to
concede to me his whole country together with all its revenues,
minerals, royalties, timber, water-power, lakes, farm-houses, stock
and manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated in the heart of a
first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten packs of hounds;
the old residential palace replete with every modern comfort, and
admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman desiring to set up
in the business of kingship. It matters not what I had to pay far
this. The secret is my own, and shall go to Westminster Abbey
with me. The point is, that with the funds entrusted to me, I have
formed the Cent-per-Central African Exploration and Investment
Syndicate, and have allotted shares to all those whose contributions
have come to hand. As to profit, I have calculated it on the strictest
actuarial principles, and find it cannot be less than £100 for every
.£100 invested. This may s^t-m small, but in these matters modi-ration
is the soul of business. I shall have more to say on this subject next
week.

Answers to Correspondents.

Dismal Jemmy.—"Why do you suggest that the motto of my new
company should be, " Stealer et fraudax " f Is it a Latin joke ? If
so, don't write to me any more. Those who deal with me must be
British to the backbone.

Axxioes.—You can't do better than send me those £50,000. I
guarantee secrecy and quick returns. The Eyeoyu Land Trust is
best for your purposes (Pref. deb. 492 ; stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money
at once to Crceses, E.C. Delay might be fatal.

Capitalist.—No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; but take
my advice and don't give Goschex your money. Why not try the
United Bladder Mortgage Company f Bladders are bound to go up.
They were floated at 10 and are now at 96. Verb. sap. No; £20,000
would not be too much.

"Potter."—Something good maybe done in Land Bails, if you
can get near enough. Have a shot at them by all means.

"Practical Joker."—Quite right. Sell them.

" Axxioes Ixqeirer " wishes to be informed what is the difference
between Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us how much he
expects to receive in each case, the mere calculation of the difference
will be an easy matter; but to receive it is quite another affair. If
he wishes to know the "distinction" between these two classes of
securities," it may be summed up in the answer to the question,
"Will you have it now, or wait till you get it ? "

"A Puzzled Oxe."—Sell everything.

"Meet Me by Midxight."—Yes. A Loan.

" Lambkix."—Part with No. 2, &c, but take care of No. 1.

" Ixsider."—Get out.

"Tottie Totts."—Here for private consultation from 5 to 7 p.m.
" Richard."—Buy Bizzy B's, Sell Early P's, and Spoiled Fives.
Buy Jingoes.

" Brexo."—" Bear" your burdens.

"Ada with the Goldexhair."—Send photo at once. Cannot
advise until we know your figure. "Crceses, E.C."