Punch (31.1856)

August 30, 1356.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

83

FIVE MINUTES' EARNEST ADVICE

TO

FEMALE DRIVERS AND CONDUCTORS OF PERAMBULATORS.

It is not in tbe least necessary to look where you are driving to. If
there is a balloon up above, amu'e yourself by staring at it; if there is
a burst pipe in an area down below, feast your eyes on the interesting
spectacle; if there is a Punch and Judy show by the side of yon, fix
your gaze steadily on its dramatic incidents, and go on wheeling all the
time. The Perambulator will move almost of its own accord, and all
you have to do is to push it uninterruptedly forward.

If you are on the edge of a piece of water, or skirting the banks of a
river, never miud letting go your hold of the carriage. It may run
down the steep declivity, and be carried by its own weight into tbe
water, and the children may fall out of ifc, and be drowned;—but what
of that ? It is an accident, and though your regrets may not be able to
repair the calamity, still it canuot in any way be attributed to your
carelessness io guiding the Perambulator.

If you meet with another Nurse similarly engaged, join Perambulators
witn her, and then trundle gaily along, side by side, in the middle of
the pathway. Thtee Perambulators, however, are better than two, and
four hav<i a decided advantage over three. The great object is to send j
'the pedestrians into the gutter—so thar, if you can block up the entire !
pavement, so much the better. Chat familiarly with your compaaions, j
and let your thoughts, as well as your eyes, be fixed anywhere but on i
the childi en.

If your drive should be on a great height, or tbe top of a cliff, be
saw you go as near the edge of it as possible, for then a stone, <>r a
stick, or a tuft, of grass, or any small obstruction, may throw the Per-
ambulator off its equilibrium, and send the children flying over the
precipice.

The same aJvice applies to all piers, jetties, bridges, planks, high
embankments, and pathways that are above tbe level of the road. A
slight fall, or a little shaking, may frighten the children and break the
carriage, but you cannot be expected to have your eyes everywhere at,
once ; and if you are looking at the time at a killing soldier, or h most
taking policeman, it stands to reason you cannot see where the Per-
ambulator is going to.

In sauntering through the streets of a town, it is not necessary to
see if any cellar-doors or traps are left open ; for if you exercised any
ordinary degree of vigilance, there would oe no chance of an accident
occurring, and you might as well be carrying the infant in your arms
at oice.

Wheel the carriage always stiaigbt a-head If any old gentleman
has his toes run over, he is to blame and not you, for he ought to have
seen you, and wrhy didn't he get out of the way ?

Keep up the same speed in a c owded thoroughfare as in a quiet
orje. Do not slacken your pace when you are passing picture-shops,
and dash on, heedless of any impediment there may be in y our way, if
you see a herd of cattle driving down the street. In getting over a
crossing, rush recklessly forward, aad don't wait to see if any cabs or
omnibuses are coming on either side.

Flirt, laugh, converse with all gay companions you meet, and enter
freely into the nonsense of any admiring defender of your country (be
he dressed in red or blue), who in his fervour comes up to talk to you.
Should yrm be invited in anyw here to partake of any refreshment, do
not mind leaving your Perambulator at the door to shift as it can ior
itself.

Lastly, always look behind rather than before you, and think of
yourself a great deal mote than of the little dears entrusted to your
charge, Should ihey be accidentally spdt on the ground, the least you
can do is to pick them up again. Abjve alL if any serious accident
should occur, never mind about leaving the Perambulator and its frail
contents in the street behind you; but run home instantly, as quick as
your legs can carry you, and telL your mistress of it. You need have
no fear of any one running away with the children, and as the Peram-
bulator most probably will be oroken all to sticks, no one will think of
touching that; consequently, both will be safe till your return.

Small Shot.

The ducked Lawyer dreads the pump.

A Doctor feels the pulse each time, to let his patient see with what
minute care he is ke-ping watch.

The Trumpet of Fame is often mute for the want of a good trum-
peter to bio n it for one.

3jressikg IN AMfihICA.

A Young lady writes from Newport, an American watering-o'ace,
that " We have to dress about nine times a-day here." Young ladies ar
Newport with their nine dresses must be like nine-pins ; no sooner set
up than down again.

SONG OF THE HARVEST.

'Tis a wonderful thing at this time o' the year,

That there's hardly a pleace where to goo vor good beer ;

The most of the ales as the publicans sells

Tastes just like tbe yaaprons o' brewers' men smells.

Pale ale, to be sure, you may git now and then,
But what is sitch stuff unto labourun men?
And 'tis all very well Lunnunporter and stout,
Which, if you can't git 'um, why you goos without.

'Tis a s<rornary vact, wheu you comes for to think,
In this here hot saison, this taint in our drink,
Of perwision of Natur5 we oftentimes hear,
The contrairy whereof is experienced in beer.

I told this to one o'that are Band o' Hope,
Whose ways I renounces as much as the Pope •
He answered, " I'll tell 'ee the rason, old cbap—
Natur' means for to keep thee away from thy tap "

" Well, neighbour," I says, " if that's Natur's design,
"How is it as Natur' don't damidge Port, wine ?
How is it a don't spile rum, bfandy, and gin.
Refreshments which you calls as much or moor z>n? "

This shut up his mouth, as you would, I suppose,

By puttun a pot, o' beer under his nose ;

But bow much discourse can a feller pursue,

That drinks nothun but water, and tea, and sky-blue?

Tbe truth o' the case is, as Whatshisname said,
There's a many more matters up there, over head,
As we never dreams of, and also down here,
And one on 'u.n is this disorder o' beer.

No doubt but we can't understand all we zee,
But the moral of most things is open to we,
According to which, if you lights on good beer,
You'd better stick to't at this time o' the ye&i.

Advice to Wealthy Vicars.

How to obtain a three yeabs' holiday.—Habitually get d'unk,
or swear, and disregard the remonstrances of your neighbours, until you
get cited in the Ecclesiastical Court and suspended for three years,
which will save you all professional labour, and only oblige you to keep
a curate. You will be able to get one for £100 a-year at most, and he
will have to do all your duty, whilst you will be secured from all
censure for neglecting it, which would not be tbe case if you merely
kept a curate at once without getting yourself suspended.

Long Speeches.—Mb. Wilkinson says that when our great par-
liamentary orators rave for hours about their love of country, they
mean their love of talking.