DOI Heft:
September 20, 1856
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16618#0127
September 20, 1856.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE BILL OF THE CHURCH.
Our dear Mother Church is just now undergoing a species of harm-
less persecution—harmless, because it is simply one of the sports of the
Parliamentary vacation, and will cease when there is something eLe to
rill newspaper columns—touching the inadequate pay received by her
working child'en, the Curates. It has been suggested that these
Clergymen would be more worthily remunerated were the nation made
aware of their deserts, and were there the means of comparing the
labours of a priest who receives £80 a-iear with those of the hierarch
whose salaiy is £10,000. In fact, it has been proposed that a Curare, like
a Doc'or or an Attorney, should make out his bill, and show how his
time is occupied. The suggestion has given some offence, but we
really think tbat if all classes of clericd. officials were to render such
accounts, and have them duty "taxed" before the payment, many
advantages would arise. We should know what we were paying for.
With ihis idea, and as a true Friend of the Church, as distinguished
from Cbutch-craft, Punch has ventured to frame a skeleton b;il or two,
as hints for the sort of accounts which he would like to see laid,
annually, before Parliament.
Beginning, as is fi-.ting, with the lower grade of teacher, here is our
idea of a Curate's bill for a week :—
John Bull, Esq.
To the Kev. Ebasktjs Adams, M.A., {Little Slushton), Db.
1856. .
Sept. 13. {Saturday.) Writing three Sermons, ray wife copying into same
the texts referred to, and quotations from the Fathers, and other
author ties. At night, after going to bed, getting np to visit a sick
parishioner residing two miles off, and N.B., as it rained heavily, bor-
rowing a neighbour's pony and over-alls (Paid turnpikes)
Sept. 14 Preaching three Sermons, baptising four children, marrying two
couples, burying old parishioner and afterwards visiting his family,
catechising children, and calling on several sick persons . . . .
Sept. 15. Visiting my flock all day, reproving Farmer Giles for not
cnniing to church, Farmer Scroggs tor sleeping there, and Farmer
Drill for keeping his children away. Beading to old Mrs. Wilkins
her sou's letter from Australia, writing answer for her, and getting
, Lawver Screw to cash the bill young Wilkins sent her. Attending
" meeting of Poor Law Guardians, and ins'sting on their allowing poor
Wapshot nine-pence instead of sixpence, and thence to the Hall to see
the lady's maid, who supposed herself in articulo. Evening, examining
candidates for confirmation..........
Sept, 16. Four hours beside the sick bid of Miser Backrest, and induce!
him not to disinherit his daughter, and writing to her to come to be
reconciled to her father. Teaching my own children an hour's Latin,
and then visiting, and, as far as I could, relieving my poor. Evening,
cottagers in my kitchen, read to them and advising. Wrote part of
sermon..............
Sept. 17. Finishing sermon, and then morning service. My wife being
near her confinement, writing a magazine article all the afternoon to \ £ S. d.
help out the expenses, but was much interrupted by paupers and others, f ■> r\ n
to some of whom gave bread, beer, and advice. One of them being a /* ■»■" •»
Boman Catholic, engaged converting him until nearly nine o'clock,
when gave him supper, and hope he saw that the dogma of infallibility
is really untenable . . . ........
Sept. 18. Burials, and afterwards to see the Poor Law Guardians; eparately,
and succeeded in getting a promise of relief for the Nagoles family.
Visiting poor all morning, and catechised class.,for confirmation.
Evening, examining the school children, and lectured them on Scripture
geography. Up till late finishing the article for magazine, but about
midnight was sent for to Atkins's wife, who was sorely troubled in
conscience. AVet through, coming home, but changed, and completed
my article...... ......
Sept. 19. Visiting my parishioners. Met Sir Hildep.eand Plugg, and
remonstrated with him for letting off firewoiks on Sunday night. Called
on Lawyer Screw, and got time for Jobblekins's rent, and also pre-
vented an action against that silly chat'ering Fred Blatter. Wrote to
the Times deprecating more than a revision of the Book, and sent article
to Blackwood. My wife had all the school-children to tea, saying, poor
dear thing, that it migfcit be the last time. Godfurbid! Bead to them,
and'showed magic lantern. Saw some sick persons at night, and slip-
ping in the mud near Jukes the brewer's, spoilt my only other pair of;
black trowsers. Awake most part of night, thinking over sermons to
be written to-morrow, which was well, for I had, at three, to go off for
Scalpel ... .........
For the week's work, I charge OEe fifty-second part of ivy income of £S9
namely.............'
CONSCIENCE MONEY.
The subjoined affecting instance of remorse appears in tfcfl Times:—
'THE SECRETARY of STATE for WAR begs to ACKNOWLEDGE
JL the BECEIPT of SIXTY POUNDS (£60) from " An Old Officer, in order to its
being re-credited to the public, as a like sum was obtained by him long since by means
which he cannot novj conscientiously approve."—War Department, Horse Guards, Sep-
tember 2, 1856.—e. t. A. tbimmeb.
Bets have been made in various mess-rooms as to the remorseful
individual who has refunded this sum. Two to one have been offered
on a noble Earl, late of the Crimea; but in justice to his known con-
sistency as a General of Division, we are bound to say, that he is
generally believed to be incapable of returning anything ; except, and
that very quickly, from an over-charge.
A Yankee's Inheritance.—A bowie-knife, and a Colt's revolver.
119
And now, in contrast with the preceding mean and shabby bill ot tne
Rev. Ebasmtjs Adams, let us give thesoitof account that would be
rendered by his Diocesan. This is a much more creditable affair:—
John Bull, E-q.
To the Right Rev. the Bishop oe Belldbagon. {The Palace.) Dr.
1?56.
Sept. 13. Having seen it stated in the public papers that the Premier was'
visiting the neighbouring watering-place, Jellyfish, sending over my
butler to ascertain, quietly, how this was, and where his Lordship was
staying, and found it was at the Koyal Hotel. Arranging for spending
a few days there, for my health is far from good, and the Bishop of
Goldington is likely to be released from his earthly ministrations 1
Sept. 14. Journey to Jellyfish, taking two carriages only, Lut sending on j
my own wine, for my duty to the Establishment forbids my incurring \
any sinful risk to my bodily welfare. N.B. Had the 1815 port rebottled, j
to avoid the perils of shaking. Arrived without accident, (D.G.), and I
providentially obtained a drawing-room next to Lord Palmerston's. \
The fatigue of the day was compensated, as is always mercifully
ordained, by a delightful night's rest . . .....
Sept. 15. Taking a warm bath, and after breakfast was about to walk on
the Parade, when Lord Palmerston opened his door at the same moment
as myself. He seemed pleased to see me, and we walked up and down
for neaily an hour. i think he has right views, for he spoke, i may
say, most admirably about the necessity of promoting the best kind of
men to Church dignities, and his cheerfulness is most delightful. He
remarked " how people would stare if he and i were to begin pitching
stones at the ladies' bathing machines." Of course he was not in earnest.
i secured him for dinner for next day but one. A good deal occupied
afterwards, in considering the details of the repast, for we are to be all
things to all men that we may gain all men, but my excellent help-
mate obtained some valuable hints as to his Lordship's tastes, through
her lady's-maid. In the evening, made some notes for a speech i trust
to deliver next session against Godless Education.....
Sept. 16. Dictating to my excellent Secretary several notes in reply to cor-
respondents. Rebuked some of the inferior clergy for their restlessness,
and new-fangled schemes for enlarging the usefulness of the Church,
but relieved an applicant, a curate with a sick wife and nine children,
with a donation of a sovereign, to which he is heartily welcome. Inti- \
mated to a clergyman, who " has doubts," that he should not set up his S £• S.D.
worldly reasoning against the Articles he has sworn to, and had a long /J_92 6 0
interview with the landlord of the hotel, who seemed inclined to use his
best energies for my dinner to-morrow. Beading Mr. Alison, with much
p'easure, in the evening, until i fell asleep......
Sept. 17. Bathing in the Sea—a new see for me, as my dear helpmate play-
fully, and as she insisted, prophetically, remarked. Was much shocked
ta hear that the Bishop op Goldington is all but despaired of. a
drive, through beautiful scenery, restored my spirits. Met Lord Derby
on horseback, and heard some anecdotes of the Court of our Gracious
Sovereign, told by him with irresistible humour, but perhaps a little
levity. But we must make allowances, for he is troubled about many
things, and some of his racing horses have disappointed him. Dressed
and received' the Premier. The dinner went off excellently and he
especially complimented the wine (though he partook of but little), and
said, classically and happily, hearing that it had been re-bottled and
re-scaled, " Sealnm, non animurh, mutat." In conversation on Church
affairs he was guarded, but i think he was struck with my argument that
for episcopal promotion he should select only a man of decided opinions,
who was firmly convinced that existing arrangements were the best for
us all. He was much pleased with my nine girls, and called them the
Muses. i trust that my endeavours have been blessed . . . .
Sept. 18. Not well, but looked through the Visitation Charge prepared for
me by my excellent Secretary, for we must labour with our own hands .
Sept, 19. a private letter from Lord-- having informed me tbat the
see ot Goldington is vacant, took an opportunity of seeing Lord Pal-
merston,, who apprised me that he had promised it to Or. Latitude. i
had hopeil tbat he would have been guided to a different choice, and one.;
which would have been better for the Church, but the children of this
world are wise in their own fashion. Determined to return to the '.
Palace—paid the hotel bill, which seemed high (£48 lis. 6d ), and got
into my carriage after lunch.........
For the week's work, I charge one fifty-second part of my income of £10,000,
namely............../
FloreAl Ecclesia. {Errors excepted.)
TO NOBLE FAMILIES ABOUT TO STOP IN TOWN.—Advertise-
-L meats announcing " Departures for the Continent," received the same as usual. The
country visited left entirely to the option of the Advertiser. The charges only a trifle
extra on the usual fashionable announcements. N.B. No inquiries made, and the
greatest secresy relied upon.—Morning Fost Office, Upper Wellington Street.
6^= THE WAY TO RUSSIA.
Preface. About a fortnight ago Brown met Jones at his own door in Tyburnia.
Jones had his hands full of stone jars and tin cases. They have not met since they *
had the following conversation :—
Broicn. Hallo, Jones, whatever are you going to do with that
tremendous bundle of potted meats and preserves?
Jones. Why, you see me on the point of starting for Russia, I haven't
a minute to spare. I leave you to send away the servants—lock up
the house—close the shutters—ihut myself up in a back bed-room—
light the campbine—and leave word with the charwoman to tell all
visitors for the nest month—"If you please, Sir, Master's gone to
Moskey, to see the Hemperor crowned." These little things are the
provisions to last me on the journey. Goodbye, my -boy, 1 'm off.
A Notion for a Composee.—The Early Closing Movement.
THE BILL OF THE CHURCH.
Our dear Mother Church is just now undergoing a species of harm-
less persecution—harmless, because it is simply one of the sports of the
Parliamentary vacation, and will cease when there is something eLe to
rill newspaper columns—touching the inadequate pay received by her
working child'en, the Curates. It has been suggested that these
Clergymen would be more worthily remunerated were the nation made
aware of their deserts, and were there the means of comparing the
labours of a priest who receives £80 a-iear with those of the hierarch
whose salaiy is £10,000. In fact, it has been proposed that a Curare, like
a Doc'or or an Attorney, should make out his bill, and show how his
time is occupied. The suggestion has given some offence, but we
really think tbat if all classes of clericd. officials were to render such
accounts, and have them duty "taxed" before the payment, many
advantages would arise. We should know what we were paying for.
With ihis idea, and as a true Friend of the Church, as distinguished
from Cbutch-craft, Punch has ventured to frame a skeleton b;il or two,
as hints for the sort of accounts which he would like to see laid,
annually, before Parliament.
Beginning, as is fi-.ting, with the lower grade of teacher, here is our
idea of a Curate's bill for a week :—
John Bull, Esq.
To the Kev. Ebasktjs Adams, M.A., {Little Slushton), Db.
1856. .
Sept. 13. {Saturday.) Writing three Sermons, ray wife copying into same
the texts referred to, and quotations from the Fathers, and other
author ties. At night, after going to bed, getting np to visit a sick
parishioner residing two miles off, and N.B., as it rained heavily, bor-
rowing a neighbour's pony and over-alls (Paid turnpikes)
Sept. 14 Preaching three Sermons, baptising four children, marrying two
couples, burying old parishioner and afterwards visiting his family,
catechising children, and calling on several sick persons . . . .
Sept. 15. Visiting my flock all day, reproving Farmer Giles for not
cnniing to church, Farmer Scroggs tor sleeping there, and Farmer
Drill for keeping his children away. Beading to old Mrs. Wilkins
her sou's letter from Australia, writing answer for her, and getting
, Lawver Screw to cash the bill young Wilkins sent her. Attending
" meeting of Poor Law Guardians, and ins'sting on their allowing poor
Wapshot nine-pence instead of sixpence, and thence to the Hall to see
the lady's maid, who supposed herself in articulo. Evening, examining
candidates for confirmation..........
Sept, 16. Four hours beside the sick bid of Miser Backrest, and induce!
him not to disinherit his daughter, and writing to her to come to be
reconciled to her father. Teaching my own children an hour's Latin,
and then visiting, and, as far as I could, relieving my poor. Evening,
cottagers in my kitchen, read to them and advising. Wrote part of
sermon..............
Sept. 17. Finishing sermon, and then morning service. My wife being
near her confinement, writing a magazine article all the afternoon to \ £ S. d.
help out the expenses, but was much interrupted by paupers and others, f ■> r\ n
to some of whom gave bread, beer, and advice. One of them being a /* ■»■" •»
Boman Catholic, engaged converting him until nearly nine o'clock,
when gave him supper, and hope he saw that the dogma of infallibility
is really untenable . . . ........
Sept. 18. Burials, and afterwards to see the Poor Law Guardians; eparately,
and succeeded in getting a promise of relief for the Nagoles family.
Visiting poor all morning, and catechised class.,for confirmation.
Evening, examining the school children, and lectured them on Scripture
geography. Up till late finishing the article for magazine, but about
midnight was sent for to Atkins's wife, who was sorely troubled in
conscience. AVet through, coming home, but changed, and completed
my article...... ......
Sept. 19. Visiting my parishioners. Met Sir Hildep.eand Plugg, and
remonstrated with him for letting off firewoiks on Sunday night. Called
on Lawyer Screw, and got time for Jobblekins's rent, and also pre-
vented an action against that silly chat'ering Fred Blatter. Wrote to
the Times deprecating more than a revision of the Book, and sent article
to Blackwood. My wife had all the school-children to tea, saying, poor
dear thing, that it migfcit be the last time. Godfurbid! Bead to them,
and'showed magic lantern. Saw some sick persons at night, and slip-
ping in the mud near Jukes the brewer's, spoilt my only other pair of;
black trowsers. Awake most part of night, thinking over sermons to
be written to-morrow, which was well, for I had, at three, to go off for
Scalpel ... .........
For the week's work, I charge OEe fifty-second part of ivy income of £S9
namely.............'
CONSCIENCE MONEY.
The subjoined affecting instance of remorse appears in tfcfl Times:—
'THE SECRETARY of STATE for WAR begs to ACKNOWLEDGE
JL the BECEIPT of SIXTY POUNDS (£60) from " An Old Officer, in order to its
being re-credited to the public, as a like sum was obtained by him long since by means
which he cannot novj conscientiously approve."—War Department, Horse Guards, Sep-
tember 2, 1856.—e. t. A. tbimmeb.
Bets have been made in various mess-rooms as to the remorseful
individual who has refunded this sum. Two to one have been offered
on a noble Earl, late of the Crimea; but in justice to his known con-
sistency as a General of Division, we are bound to say, that he is
generally believed to be incapable of returning anything ; except, and
that very quickly, from an over-charge.
A Yankee's Inheritance.—A bowie-knife, and a Colt's revolver.
119
And now, in contrast with the preceding mean and shabby bill ot tne
Rev. Ebasmtjs Adams, let us give thesoitof account that would be
rendered by his Diocesan. This is a much more creditable affair:—
John Bull, E-q.
To the Right Rev. the Bishop oe Belldbagon. {The Palace.) Dr.
1?56.
Sept. 13. Having seen it stated in the public papers that the Premier was'
visiting the neighbouring watering-place, Jellyfish, sending over my
butler to ascertain, quietly, how this was, and where his Lordship was
staying, and found it was at the Koyal Hotel. Arranging for spending
a few days there, for my health is far from good, and the Bishop of
Goldington is likely to be released from his earthly ministrations 1
Sept. 14. Journey to Jellyfish, taking two carriages only, Lut sending on j
my own wine, for my duty to the Establishment forbids my incurring \
any sinful risk to my bodily welfare. N.B. Had the 1815 port rebottled, j
to avoid the perils of shaking. Arrived without accident, (D.G.), and I
providentially obtained a drawing-room next to Lord Palmerston's. \
The fatigue of the day was compensated, as is always mercifully
ordained, by a delightful night's rest . . .....
Sept. 15. Taking a warm bath, and after breakfast was about to walk on
the Parade, when Lord Palmerston opened his door at the same moment
as myself. He seemed pleased to see me, and we walked up and down
for neaily an hour. i think he has right views, for he spoke, i may
say, most admirably about the necessity of promoting the best kind of
men to Church dignities, and his cheerfulness is most delightful. He
remarked " how people would stare if he and i were to begin pitching
stones at the ladies' bathing machines." Of course he was not in earnest.
i secured him for dinner for next day but one. A good deal occupied
afterwards, in considering the details of the repast, for we are to be all
things to all men that we may gain all men, but my excellent help-
mate obtained some valuable hints as to his Lordship's tastes, through
her lady's-maid. In the evening, made some notes for a speech i trust
to deliver next session against Godless Education.....
Sept. 16. Dictating to my excellent Secretary several notes in reply to cor-
respondents. Rebuked some of the inferior clergy for their restlessness,
and new-fangled schemes for enlarging the usefulness of the Church,
but relieved an applicant, a curate with a sick wife and nine children,
with a donation of a sovereign, to which he is heartily welcome. Inti- \
mated to a clergyman, who " has doubts," that he should not set up his S £• S.D.
worldly reasoning against the Articles he has sworn to, and had a long /J_92 6 0
interview with the landlord of the hotel, who seemed inclined to use his
best energies for my dinner to-morrow. Beading Mr. Alison, with much
p'easure, in the evening, until i fell asleep......
Sept. 17. Bathing in the Sea—a new see for me, as my dear helpmate play-
fully, and as she insisted, prophetically, remarked. Was much shocked
ta hear that the Bishop op Goldington is all but despaired of. a
drive, through beautiful scenery, restored my spirits. Met Lord Derby
on horseback, and heard some anecdotes of the Court of our Gracious
Sovereign, told by him with irresistible humour, but perhaps a little
levity. But we must make allowances, for he is troubled about many
things, and some of his racing horses have disappointed him. Dressed
and received' the Premier. The dinner went off excellently and he
especially complimented the wine (though he partook of but little), and
said, classically and happily, hearing that it had been re-bottled and
re-scaled, " Sealnm, non animurh, mutat." In conversation on Church
affairs he was guarded, but i think he was struck with my argument that
for episcopal promotion he should select only a man of decided opinions,
who was firmly convinced that existing arrangements were the best for
us all. He was much pleased with my nine girls, and called them the
Muses. i trust that my endeavours have been blessed . . . .
Sept. 18. Not well, but looked through the Visitation Charge prepared for
me by my excellent Secretary, for we must labour with our own hands .
Sept, 19. a private letter from Lord-- having informed me tbat the
see ot Goldington is vacant, took an opportunity of seeing Lord Pal-
merston,, who apprised me that he had promised it to Or. Latitude. i
had hopeil tbat he would have been guided to a different choice, and one.;
which would have been better for the Church, but the children of this
world are wise in their own fashion. Determined to return to the '.
Palace—paid the hotel bill, which seemed high (£48 lis. 6d ), and got
into my carriage after lunch.........
For the week's work, I charge one fifty-second part of my income of £10,000,
namely............../
FloreAl Ecclesia. {Errors excepted.)
TO NOBLE FAMILIES ABOUT TO STOP IN TOWN.—Advertise-
-L meats announcing " Departures for the Continent," received the same as usual. The
country visited left entirely to the option of the Advertiser. The charges only a trifle
extra on the usual fashionable announcements. N.B. No inquiries made, and the
greatest secresy relied upon.—Morning Fost Office, Upper Wellington Street.
6^= THE WAY TO RUSSIA.
Preface. About a fortnight ago Brown met Jones at his own door in Tyburnia.
Jones had his hands full of stone jars and tin cases. They have not met since they *
had the following conversation :—
Broicn. Hallo, Jones, whatever are you going to do with that
tremendous bundle of potted meats and preserves?
Jones. Why, you see me on the point of starting for Russia, I haven't
a minute to spare. I leave you to send away the servants—lock up
the house—close the shutters—ihut myself up in a back bed-room—
light the campbine—and leave word with the charwoman to tell all
visitors for the nest month—"If you please, Sir, Master's gone to
Moskey, to see the Hemperor crowned." These little things are the
provisions to last me on the journey. Goodbye, my -boy, 1 'm off.
A Notion for a Composee.—The Early Closing Movement.