Punch (31.1856)

LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 8, 1856:

THE EMPEROR OF THE PRESS.

Having effectually gagged the French Pres?,
Louis Napoleon is desirous to operate upon
the English. Our contemporaries, however,
will not submit so tamely to have their mouths
stopped—even with French cambric. The Em-
peror, it is hinted, would like to fee the Times
ieduced to the condition of the Moniteur; its
leading articles suppressed, or written by him-
self, no foreign or political intelligence inserted,
and the only letters from its "own coire?pon-
dents " mutes. Take a large slice of the Family
Herald, with a rechauffe of all the stale news of
the Standard, add a few mares' nests from the
Morning Advertiser, flavour with Police Reports
and "Movements of the Court," and then fill up
and garnish with a nineteenth, chapter of a
thirty-second-rate novel ("to be continued in
our n xt"), lather h'ghly seasoned with a
sprinkling of gros sel and a spice of the morality
of the ultia-tiTjGfcNE Sue school,—such is the
recipe that Louis Napoleon would now, in his
imperial favour, give us, for that essentially
Frenc't dish, which we hope we may neve tte
introduced to England, which «e may christen
Uoie rotie d'un premier Journal—or, as we may
put it, in plain English, a "Lead'ng Journal that
has had its goote cocked."

A FACT FROM THE NURSERY.

Nurse. " My goodniss graciutjb, Miss Cbaeloiie, you musn't play with those Sol sous !"
Miss Charlotte. "I'm not plating with 'em, Norse dear—I'm cutting 'ixtlb Bludier's
Nails !"

A Nice Calculation.

A Wallsend gentleman, of g;eat experience
in the trade, and a constant attendant on
the prtachii g of Mb. Spuigeon, has calcu-
lated that-, on an average, the reverend teacher
uses in every sermon no less than three tots
of coals, and all red hot. Last winter, poor
people weie knewn to warm their hands at his

periods.

A LADY IN A PASSION.

An Indignant Mother presents her compliments to Mr. Punch,
and I must insist upon your taking notice of Mr. Arnold's scandalous
and infamous decision about Perambulators. Who is Mr. Arnolo,
an Indignant Mother ■*, oukl like to he informed, that he is to take the
insolent liberty of makii g such observations ? He has pronounced
a judgment (and pret'y judgment he must possess to say such a thing)
that Perambulators have no light oa the foot-pavement. No right on the
foot-pavement, and wneie, I ask you, are they to go? Is my p;ecious
lootsicum's carriage (not that he ought to be in one, for it is much
whoiesomer for the girl to cany him, as he gets moie exerche, besides
ihe wa;mth of her arms, but then my lady is so fine and lazy that she
would put him down at the end of eve y street) to be sent into the
ro&d, to be iuu over every minute by Pickeord's Vans and Eansom's
Cabs ? I think I see him among them, precious pet! And what for ? I
should like to know. That great stroi g men. who are much fitter to go
into the road than he is (the darling !), may be able to get on a little
faster, or may not be oolig< d to look round and see that the wheel does
not come against their seventeen-and-sixpenny trowsers? Likeiy! But
aa Indignant Mother thinks that, if anything can be worse than such
wicked tyranny, it is the ieason vihich this Mr Arnold pretends to
give to justify it. I suppose he calls it logic. He actually said that if
a Perambulator might come on the foot-path, why not a wheelbarrow ?
Such low vulgar insinuations are beneath contempt. As if my heavenly
tootsicum8 weie to be named in the same d«y with a lot of na»ty
potatoes, or perhaps cat's-meat! Mr. Arnold is quite unfit for Ms
situation, and ought immediately to be prosecuted by the Lord Chan-

TOO PLAIN SPOKEN BY HALF.
" A Warning to Sir Robert Piel."

Sir Robert, Sir Robert, what have you been doing ?

Blurting facts out in all the work's face !
Do think what you are : for ihe couise you're pursuing

Is, what you soon may be, oat of olace.
F..cts are Lets : But the rule is Officials should huike em,

Not call i pades spades, like plain country squires;
If you must haLdle edge tvoh, do to with the Cireum-

-locution that Office requires.

The ghost of your father must b;ush for your folly,

How sublime his official reseive !
His rounded periphrases how he would volley,

Round the bush in maj stical cuive !
From his language who e'er his opinions could gather P

Even Talleyrand's s elf he'd falk blind;
Who «. ould ever suppose you 're the son of your father,

With that vile trick of speaking your mind ?

This, too, on returning f;om Russia!—a nation
That holds language is given thoughts to hide
Where yiu see in its best gloss of mystification,

Diplomacy's varnish applied.
Wrhere suggestio falsi, suppressio vert
In their real perfection find place,

celloe, aLd bro, ght before Parliament, or the Criminal Courts, for I ] And the very word " Lie" from the dic-ti-on-fi'y,

am quite sure that many poor creatures are punished day after day for
much less things than telling the world (where there aie brutes enough
already) that infants are no better than po'atoes, and driving them
(pretty things !) under the wheels of those horrible Vaus, which ought
to be ail put uown by Act i f Parliament, if Patlhment ever made any
laws that were good for anytnh g. Requesting that you will dress up
these hasty remaiks, and irLke them much stronger, with a picture
of Mr. Arkold being horsewhipped as he ought to be, an Indignant
Mother leaves the matter in Mr. Punch's hands.

"P.S. If Mr. Arnold, or such like people, would make the ho:ses
and carts that frighten the poor children wi h noise and rumbling, be
kept at home until after the time the children come in-doors, ,hey
would do more guod than by such ridiculous conduct."

Is struck out by Impelial ukase.

Be warned, then, in time : get a style more official;

Blink facts if they're too b;g to bolt;
The study of Walker, >ou'll find beneficial,

And for " Bunkum " consult Colonel Colt.
Ne'er use, straightforward terms, unless no romd-about one

The Downing Street phrase-book supply,
And as for opinions, ne'er get up without one

That turned either way will apply.

The Policeman's Love—Ar(e)i£blla.