Punch (37.1859)

PAGE OF POSTERITY’S POSSIBLE PENNING.

(from THE HISTORY OF TIIE VICTORIAN AGE.)

THE entire invading army, consisting of 239,572 soldiers of all arms,
having been destroyed to a man, the vivandieres, after much kind
treatment, having been divided among the London managers of t heatres,
for operatic purposes, and the captured Emperor of Erance and Italy
having, at his own request, resumed his place as a London policeman,
the people had leisure to note the various episodes of the campaign.

Among the most brilliant of these were the deeds performed by the
Chancery Lane Rifles, playfully termed by the public the Old One’s
Own. Erom the venerable Scotch Chancellor down to the smallest
office-brat, that chewed the dusty wafers in the absence of the superior
clerks, all were inspired with martial ardour. Taking as their motto
Cedat armis toga, they entirely neglected all law business, to the great
benefit ot mankind, and mustered daily for hours of incessant rifle
practice,

“ High on bleak Hampstead’s swartby moor.”

Macaulay.

When the news came that the French army was embarking, the
C. L. R. begged for the post of honour, and, being accustomed to public
speaking, they made such effective appeals that the gallant Com-
mander-in-Chief yielded, unable to resist the stream of oratory. It
having been resolved to permit the invaders to land before attacking
them, Ramsgate was handed over to the legal riflemen, and during the
period that elapsed while the French were recovering from their sea-
sickness (basins and chloroform drops were humanely supplied by the
English) the lawyers, rather than lose time, addressed themselves to
reforming the extortionate harpies who let lodgings at the above sea-
port._ Before the enemy was well enough to come ashore, these
unprincipled persons had been so taken in hand by the shrewd and
determined lawyers, that several were known to ask not more than
five times the fair price for their apartments, and it is said that some
of them abstained for nearly the whole season from plundering their
lodgers to any appreciable extent. But the disembarkation was at
length effected, and when the t wo hundred and thirty-nine thousand
five hundred and seventy-second soldier was breaking his shins against
the wet steps of the steep ladder in the harbour, the C. L. R. withdrew
to the defile allotted to them, and calmly awaited the foe.

They had not to wait long.. Performing a march expressly composed
by M. Jullien for the occasion, and called Mart aux Anglais, a body of

trumpeters led the way to triumph. These were followed by a splen did
body of picked cavalry, flourishing their swords, and uttering the most
demoniacal threats to extirpate every man in the Infernal Isle, and
carry the “blond Misses” into captivity. “We’ll just leave thae
trumpetin’ bodies to the women folk,” said the brave old Chancellor,
cocking, “Yon’s our game;” and as lie spoke, a conical bullet from
his rifle sent the foremost cavalryman to the ground. “One to the
Woolsack,” said the merry Serjeant Murphy, firing at a tremendous
ruffian who went down with an oath that might have been heard a
mile off, at the same moment that his right hand man dropped, shot in
the nose by Lord Brougham, who also extemporised a Latin epitaph
for him, of which all but ninety-six lines were unfortunately lost in
the crackling of the fire, which now hissed hot and hot from every
point of ambush. Not a shot but told, and the value of the admirable
drill and patient practice to which educated volunteers submit, was
marvellously exemplified. Chief Justice Cockburn potted his man
at three-quarters of a mile, and the fine shooting of his successor in
the C. P., Chief Justice Erle, was applauded by the whole army as
much as his elevation was by the whole public. Attorney-General
Bethell loaded and fired with a rapidity and precision which were
perfectly appalling, the learned advocate’s face wearing all the time the
quietest smile, as if he were doing nothing particular ; and Solicitor-
General Keating came out with practice that astonished everybody.
“Keating’s Lozenges don’t agree with French constitutions, ape-
riently,” said Serjeant Parry, discharging a large rifle with immense
effect. “Then we’ll try James’s Powder,” replied the witty Member
for Marylebone, drawing his trigger. “Very well answered for the
Crown,” said Mr. Bodkin, giving an enemy the quietus, which Hamlet
says bodkins can so easily give.

Wit, in short, flashed as fast as weapons, and the furious cavalry,
thinned by an invisible enemy, raved and stormed, and swore more
atrociously than ever, and now vowed to eat their enemies as well as
kill them. But the legal storm of arrowy shower came on thicker, and
the savage assailants dropped like leaves before the winds of autumn.
The veteran Lyndhubst knocked down two wretches at one shot, and a
similar feat was performed by Mr. Justice Hill, and Mr. Bovill, Q.C.
A ruffian, who happened to bend beside his horse’s neck, at that moment
received a ball from the elegant silver-mounted rifle of Mr. Huddle

Yol. 37.

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