Punch (37.1859)

December 17, 1859.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

243

HOW WE CAME TO WRITE TO THE EMPEROR.

he following account
of the circumstances
which led to the ap-
plication of Messes.
Shaw, Mel lob,
Irving, and Black-
well, the four cele-
brated brokers of
Liverpool, to Lolis
Napoleon, by letter,
demanding to know
what were his inten-
tions with regard to
England, is supposed
to have proceeded from
the mouth of one of
the parties:—

“ Me and Mellor
and Hirving and
Blackwell ad been
dinin together at 1 he
White Art, and after
dinner we ad some
wine and then brandy-
and-water and cigars.
What with one thing
another, at last we got
rayther jolly, and 1
should say was a little
sprung. Well we got
a talkin about the fear
of invasion, and the
commercial injury it
was doing, and all that
sort of thing; and at
last I says, ‘ 1 wonder
if Lewis Napoleon
does mean mischief?5

‘ I wonder if he does?’ says Mellor ; ‘ suppose he don’t, what a thing it would be for bisnis
if we could only ascertain! ’ ‘What if he was asked?’ says Hirving. ‘ Who’s to ask
him?’ says Blackwell. ‘Why shouldn’t we?’ says I. ‘Capital suggestion,’ says
Blackwell. ‘My eye,’ says Mellor, ‘what a lark!’ Hirving, he bust out lariin.
Well, so, just as it were on the spur of the moment, and by way of a spree, we calls for
pen, hink, and paper, and writes the Emperor a note—short and sweet. ‘We the under-
signed, having been alarmed by a report that your Imperial M.vJUSTr intends to invade
England, hereby take the liberty of asking, What’s your intentions ? ’ So then we signed it
and sealed it, and put it into a hangvelop, and stuck a ned on it, and put it into the Post.
Lo and beold you, two days after comes the note in answer to it from Mockhard ! We’d
forgot all about it—expectin in course it would be treated as an oaks, and wasn’t we

astonished a few at receivin a hanswer! Well,
there, all’s well that ends well; but ’twas a
plucky thing to do, mind yer; only I don’t
think we should ever have done it excep for the
brand v-and-water.”

THE DANGEES OE A VIS-A-VIS.”

(By a Family Man with a Season-Ticket.)

On, all you single gentlemen,

Who live just out of town,

And travel by the Railway,

Mornings “up,” and Evenings “down.”

If a lady’s in the carriage,

Think—ere you take a petting tone,

Of the Reverend R. Maguire
And Miss Louisa Lettington.

All innocent of evil thoughts.

This Reverend Gent he goes.

And in a railway carriage
Disposes of his toes.

Little he thought of Crinoline,

And the steel employed in setting’t on,

Or he had giv’n a wider berth
To Miss Louisa Lettington !

Three feet of breadth between the seats—
And in that narrow space,

A Crinoline to stow away,

And a pair of legs find place
With sparest figure, greatest care
The carriage seat in getting’t on—

Still Lettington must squeeze Maguiee,

Or Maguire encroach on Lettington !

Let us grant the fair Louisa
Was all a girl should be,

(Though lodging in the Mint, and used
With gin to lace her tea,)

Still with virtues so ferocious,

And Crinoline’s besetting ton,

Who might not be a Maguire
Were his vis-a-vis a Lettington ?

But if this sort of peril
Is to haunt each railway line,

We dwellers in the Suburbs
Must in self-defence combine:

By an Anti-Crinoline Bill

To put down these steel and netting tuns,
And save possible Maguires
From probable Miss Lettingtons.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT EOE ADMIRAL BOWLES.

“ Mr. Punch,

“Don’t you think that some sort of testimonial is due to old
Admiral Bowles, Port-Admiral of Portsmouth, for the service which
he rendered the British Navy the other day by revoking the leave, he
had given those sailors of the Princess Royal to go ashore, and turning
them, for no apparent reason, back to their ship? Of course he was
aware that this treatment of men, who had just returned from a long
cruise, was certain to drive them mad, and create a mutiny. His
courage, therefore, in determining to provoke them was admirable; and
bis wisdom is justified by the event. Is it not attested by the fact that
there are now some 100 A. B.’s in Winchester gaol ? Perhaps you will
think that the gallant old gentleman requires no other testimonial.

“ I submit, however, that his judicious and meritorious conduct is
deserving of some public recognition. Consider its probable effect on
the affair of manning the fleet. We shall probably have to thank
Admiral^Bowles for an economy of public money, consequent on the
discouragement to enter the Navy, which his late exploit will have
afforded seamen. There will be the fewer hands, by many, to pay.
Let me, then, suggest that some token of the estimation which he has
fairly earned should be presented to him by a grateful nation. The
gift which I propose is an emblem of rest and retirement, and of some-
thing else which is better symbolised than named. A handsomely
embroidered nightcap is the present I would have made to Admibal
Bowles. Especial care should be taken that the cap should have a
splendid tassel, and, to render it still more ornamental and significant,
it might also be decorated with two lateral appendages in the shape
of ears of a certain zoological type.

“ This appropriate crown of glory should be worked and presented by
the hands of ladies, the fair sex being especially interested in all con-

duct and behaviour affecting the .efficiency of the fleet which protects
Beauty from invasion. Give this proposal a lift with your stick,
Mr. Punch, and also try to knock into the heads of the Admiralty the
propriety of promoting Captain Baillie and Commander Josling
for desert of an opposite description to that for which I advocate the
coronation of Admiral Bowles.

“ I have the honour to he, Sir,

“ Your obedient servant,

“Suum Cuique.”

“ P.S. If the Emperor of the French has really any ‘ intentions ’
which a powerful Channel Fleet would be required to baffle, he ought
to send Admiral Bowles the Cross of the Legion of Honour.’

Quadrille for County Balls.

In Connection with the Baker Street Exhibition of the Smithfield
Club, we felt constrained this, year to lament, the departure of M.
Jullien. Had the Mons remained with us a little longer, he would
assuredly have composed a Cattle Show Quadrille ; perhaps also an
Ox Waltz or two, and. a Pig Polka, or porker dance. But he is gone;
and that unhappily being the case, cannot some native musical genius
take up the subject, , and treat it in the more national and perhaps
more suitable style of a country dance ?

The Four Brokers of Liverpool—From the style of theircor-
respondence, one would take them to be “ Underwriters. Ihese
brokers ought to do a good business with the lots of “assurance
they have.