Punch (37.1859)

September 3, 1859.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

93

POSERS FOR POLICEMEN.

The prospect of more Income-Tax may incline us to look into our
national expenses; and among the lesser items in the Civil Service
Estimates, we may possibly be somewhat startled to discover that the
bodies of police which we at present are maintaining cost the Govern-
ment last year above a million of our money. Of this trifle it is shown
that the Irish Constabulary, by a new arrangement, swallowed some
Eight hundred thousand Pounds. But, high as this price seems, no
taxpayer can grumble, when he learns what a superior article we get
for it. The Hibernian Police are not merely men of letters, in the
sense in which we look upon our “A” or “B ” divisions, blow deeply
they are read may be judged from these tough questions, which have
been put to certain of them by the Government Examiners :—

“ Explain fully the meaning of the following geographical terms :—‘Peninsula,’
‘promontory,’ ‘estuary,’ ‘delta,’ ‘plateau,’ ‘watershed,’ and give three instances
.of each. Describe the position of the following places:—St. Helena, St. Aibans,
Corfu, Toronto, Salisbury, Copenhagen, Agra, Vienna, Inverary. Singapore, Stirling,
Cairo, Nillala, Meerut, Hastings, Owhyhee. Write a geographical description of
any one country of Ancient Europe, stating its boundaries, physical features,
products, manufactures, divisions, and principal towns.”

Ever friendly as we are to the advance of education, we should
regret to write a word which might in any manner check it. We have
little wish to limit the acquirement of knowledge, or to cause the
slightest stoppage in the onward march of intellect. Ambitious minds,
however, strive to make. such strides of progress that their march
seems to be taken in a pair of seven-leagued boots; and then the odds
are that the marcher goes ahead too rapidly, and skips much useful
knowledge in the leaps and jumps he takes. So long as a policeman
has a knowledge of his business, his possessing other knowledge is no
cause for our complaint. We think, though, when the Government
examines him for service, the Government need only test his serviceable
knowledge. To question a policeman in ancient geography appears to
us about as needful as to puzzle a militiaman with points m mathe-
matics. . We should as soon expect the one to know the boundaries of
any ancient European country, as that the other should solve problems
on the differential calculus, or show that he had rovs enough to cross
the Asses’ Bridge.

TVith no wish, as we.say, to limit their attainments, we think, had
we the office of examining, policemen, we should content ourselves
with putting much more simple interrogatories than those which the
“ dull season ” has. just tempted us to quote. Our problems would
assume more practical a form; and instead of asking about promon-
tories and plateaus, our queries would relate to areas and kitchens, and
our questions about places be confined.to those of cooks. A knowledge
of topography might be useful to policemen, and we therefore should
consider we had quite a right to test it. Instead, then, of inquiring
about Agra or Toronto, we should ask for a description of places not
so distant; places where, for instance, hot suppers were provided, and
where a leg of good cold mutton might be always found in cut. A few
Queries of this nature might test if the policeman were a man of much

A LAY FOR LISKEAKD.

(adapted to ax infantine melody.)

Air—“ Roses in or Roses out."

Members in, or Members out,
Accidents I’d pardon.

But would not part
With Osborne smart,

Eor twopence-halfpenny-farden.

Members in, or Members out,

The bargain is a bard ’un,

But of all the pack,

It’s him I’d back
For twopence-halfpenny-farden.

Members in, or Members out,
Opened “Tiddler’s Garden,”

But voters say
He would not pay,

Not twopence-halfpenny-farden.

Members in, and Members out,
Dread “this Mr. Sardon.”

He’d chaff a King,

Like anything,

Eor twopence-halfpenny-farden.

Members in, or Members out,

Punch will keep a guard on,

But (if he must),

B. O. he’d trust

With twopence-haifpenny farden.

inquiry, or had devoted himself much to culinary pursuits. It might
likewise be of service to get him to describe the cooks he was attached
to, dwelling more especially upon their “physical features,” but not
omitting to describe what “products ” in the way of pastry they were
famous for, and whether any “ boundaries ” were ever put upon their
perquisites. His visiting-list might be a test of his fidelity, and might
serve to throw’ some light, perhaps, upon his moral character, as well
as to give proof of his judgment and good sense. Speaking generally,
we believe that, in the eyes of a policeman, the charms of cooks are
found not in their persons, but their pantries, and their attractions
consist chiefly in the dainties they dish up. An affection for nice sup-
pers is a weakness with the force; and if her perquisites be handsome,
they will court the plainest cook.

As so considerable a portion of the life of a policeman is passed
in the discharge of culinary duty, it surely is as well to test his fitness
for such service, and to learn as far as may be wffiat experience he has
had in it. Should the Government Examiners wisely act upon this
hint, they are at liberty to use our questions on cookogjraphy, which we
really think would prove quite as practically useful as those upon
geography, which in fun have called them forth.

NEWS EOR DOWNING STREET.

We already, have the ABC guide for the benefit of 'railway
travellers. This excellent plan is to be shortly followed by an

ABC GUIDE FOR THE FOREIGN OFFICE,

which is to be for the special guidance of young attaches and aris-
tocratic clerklings picked out from the superior classes, whose spelling
has not been attended to exactly to a letter. The first year’s numbers
will consist only of words of one syllable, and there will be an increase
in the words of one syllable every succeeding year. The work is
expected to be completed in about ten years. Each number will be
submitted previous to publication to Lord Malmesbury, so. as to
guard against the possibility of any errors accidentally creeping into it.
The long words will certainly require his Lordship’s utmost vigilance,
though if any doubt wfere apprehended as to future success, there is so
long an interval before the work can gradually expand into six or eight
syllables, that Lord Malmesbury, (whose word, written or spoken,
has never been questioned yet) has plenty, of time to render himself
before then thoroughly master of. his subject. Should any difficulty
inadvertently arise, he will doubtlessly be able to command the
assistance of the valuable services of Messrs. Johnson, Walker,
Todd, Webster, and Richardson. Maunders’, too, with his in-
exhaustible Treasury of Knowledge, will, we are glad to state, always
be at his Lordship’s elbow, ready to be consulted at a moment’s
notice.

A Paradox.—A political writer says, “ Property is the base of all
civilisation.” Eor ourselves, we thought it was the Capital.