Punch (37.1859)

August 6, 1859.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

The gallant Captain Tomkins, of the Blankshire Rifles, is found practising the Bugle
calls, that he may lenow them when he hears them.

THE SOLUTION OE ITALY.

Ye Powers!—ye Statesmen, o’erladen with cares,

The solution who seek of Italian affairs,

You have got the solution, to speak chemist-wise,

But the substances in it you can’t crystallise.

The solution is turbid—all waters are so

That are troubled—the Tiber, and, worse than the Po,

The Thames, that is making our Parliament sick,

So vile is its odour; its filth is so thick.

The Italian solution two bodies contains,

The Pope and the Kaiser, poor Italy’s banes,

With a King in excess, whose oppressed people groans.
And a sort of sub-monarchs, the Dukes who fill thrones.

Some spirit there’s in it, whose presence is proved
By rising whenever the pressure’s removed;
Inflammable spirit, like spirit of wine.

With King, Duke, Pope, Kaiser, that ne’er will combine.

Expose it to light; and that agent, there’s hope,

Will produce a precipitate—throw down the Pope.

Then add a free acid, for that is the thing

Which will send to the bottom the Dukes and the King

Now shake up the liquor and carefully strain;

Collect on a filter the dregs that remain.

In a crucible put them, and roast, and reduce,
Deserving the extracts for show—if not us.e.

Then there’s your solution pellucid and clear;
Evaporate gently till crystals appear;

Allow them to form in t he shape they like best:

And Italy’s question will soon be at rest.

What would my Uncle say P

A Correspondent of one of the papers writes that “at
Nice he saw the people dragging Louis Napoleon’s bust
through the kennels of the town.” Delations usually
quarrel, but this is rather vulgar behaviour of Nice to
Nephew.

ASTONISHING A CONGREGATION.

Tiie subject of the following paragraph is not one which usually
comes under Mr. Bunch's censorship, out, as Cowper says:—

“ Laymen have leave to dance when Parsons play."

The other day, we read that:—

“ There was a special choral service in Westminster Abbey, the sermon being
preached by the Rev. Henry Drury, B.D., Trebendary' of Salisbury, and
Chaplain to the House of Commons, in aid of the Society for the Propagation of the
Gospel in Foreign Parts. The reverend gentleman astonished the congregation by
giving out a text which no one recognised as a passage of Scripture. The words
were, ‘ We may, we must, we will,’ and he obtained them in the following manner :
‘ We may,’ from the 3rd of Genesis, 2nd verse ; ‘ We must,’ from the 14th of Acts,
22nd verse ; ‘We will,’ from the 24th of Joshua, 21st verse. The combination of
the three formed the text, from which he proceeded to argue that we may, we
must, and we will, evangelise the world.”

Now, “astonishing” a congregation is not, Mr. Bunch humbly
submits, the exact object with which a clergyman should ascend his
pulpit. It might be inconvenient, did our ministers take that view of
their duty. There is no saying to what lengths energetic parsons
might go. A young Boanerges might not be satisfied with a mild bit
of Mosaic work, like Mr. Drury’s, but might adopt some other
method of “astonishing” his flock. Suppose he blacked his face, and
said, “ Ah, yon see how black I am, but yon don’t see bow black sin
is.” Or suppose he fired off one of Messes. Deane’s revolving pistols
(loaded only with powder, of course) at the organ, and exclaimed, “ This
is a revolver, and apropos of that, my beloved brethren, let us revolve
in our minds the meaning of the words which yon will find in, &c.”

On the whole, we recommend our clergy to avoid illegitimate arts
of attraction, and to rely for effect upon eloquent and affectionate
expositions of the Truth. Mr. Drury himself is a very excellent
minister, and will take our hint in good part, especially when we remind
him of another clergyman’s story about the way in which he stopped
a chattering person who was stringing isolated texts of Scripture
together, after the fashion of certain “ serious ” talkers. Scandalised
at the use the quoter was making of the most solemn and pregnant
language, the worthy priest calmly said, “ Suicide, you know, is recom-
mended in the Book.” The “astonished” talker was brought up very

short indeed, and stammered out something about a jest. “ Certainly
it is, upon your principle of quotation.” “Eh? What? Where?
How?” “Are we not told that ‘Judas departed and went ant?
hanged himself?’” “Ye —es.” “Is it not also said, ‘Go thou and
do likewise?”’

Next lime our excellent friend Mr. Drury proposes to astonish a
congregation, perhaps he will remember this narrative, and give them
a text without ^solution of continuity.

THE BEST AND THE WODST.

TnE Papal States have generally been described as the worst govern-
ment in the world. Mr. Bowyer would wish us to believe that they
were the very best. Mr. Bowyer is a Papist, as his position of brass-
trumpeter to Cardinal Wiseman fully verifies; and his opinion on-
such a subject as the Papacy must be as true as it is disinterested; but
we should like to know if the Doman government is to be looked upon
as the best in the world, what kind of government must the worst be ?
If the government in the Papal States is so superlatively good, we wish
the ministers who attempt to govern us, and do it so badly, would go-
to Dome for the sake of learning to do what Dome does. The English,
would then be as happy as the Domans now are.

Epitaph for Vauxhall.

1862.

On clean large flagstones now the Peeler tramps,
Where evil smelling lamps, and mouldy damps,
Made Paradise for male and female scamps.

A NAPOLEONIC IDEA.

A Courtier was comparing the Prince Napoleon to Chevalier
Bayard. “ Oh, yes! very like,” exclaimed the Princess Matiiilde,
“ only a hundred times greater—for cannot Plon-Plon boast of being
a hero of cent peurs et cent reproches, whereas Bayard was content with
not having even one ! ”