Punch (37.1859)

December 24, 1859.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

253

Observant Street Boy. “ There's a coupled Prize' tins— they wasn't fed upon

’taturs.”

THE MOTHER’S SATURDAY REVIEW.

To examine the linen when it comes home from I lie wash,
and take care that the same is properly aired and mended
before distributed to its respective owners; to take the
circuit of the tradesmen, and pay all the weekly bills; to
take stock of the larder, and see what is wanted in the house
for the ensuing week- to make a rigorous journey of
inspection round the kitchen, and examine whether the
cook keeps her pots and pans in a proper state of clean-
liness, and if the copper kettle is as bright as it can be
made; to look into the scullery and satisfy oneself that
no undue quantity of rubbish is allowed to accumulate in
the sink or elsewhere; to give out clean towels and sheets
and table-clot hs and dusters to housemaids and servants:
to count over the plate with the footman, checking each
item with the duplicate list given to him when the plate-
basket was first confided to his care; to have the parlour
thoroughly cleaned, and the mahogany table properly oiled
and rubbed, in anticipation of the morrow’s dinner; to
make liberal preparations for the same, and ascertain how
many are coming, leaving one or two vacant seats in the
hope of a married son or daughter, or some welcome
dropper-in, taking them by surprise ; to get out best bonnet
‘for church the following day; to collect all accounts and
make up housekeeping book before submitting it, ptoperly
vouched and balanced, to one’s lord and master; to go
into the nursery after dinner, and observe with one’s own
maternal eyes that the young olive-branches in the tub
have their usual scrubbing and small toothcombing once
every seven days; to drilL the younger children in their
catechism before kissing them, and tucking them up in
bed; to see that the house is closed, and every one between
the sheets, before twelve o’clock; and to do all this in the
gentlest, kindliest, most methodical, and yet dignified and
matronly manner, exacting obedience, and yet winning
respect from all.

Quite to be Expected.

If an octogenarian admiral go
A hundred brave sailors in limbo to pack,

Why should folks be surprised, when we all of us know,
That the whole game of Bowles lies in hitting the
Jack ?

THE SUEZ CANARD.

Considerable astonishment has been caused by the fact that
France, Austria, Russia, Prussia, and Sardinia, have united in a demand
calling on the Sublime Porte to authorise the project of M. de Lesseps
for cutting through the Isthmus of Suez. The scheme, if carried into
execution, would shorten the way to India. What is that to any other
European Power than England? is the natural question of people who
are not generally considered particularly green and innocent. But it
is not everybody that can see into the heart of a millstone. We do not
hesitate to say, that we are endowed with the faculty of thorough
clairvoyance, because we are, as we have demonstrated to the satisfac-
tion of everybody many thousands of times.

We now proceed to afford one more proof of the lucidity which we
enjoy always, and not merely at intervals, like some seers. The five
nations above-named, have conspired to destroy the greatness of Eng-
land. Their little game is to acquire the control of the Company which
is to execute the proposed undertaking. When the Ship Canal shall
have been completed, and shall divide the Isthmus, and connect the
Mediterranean with the Red Sea, they intend to throw across it two
large toll-bars; one at the hither end, and the other at the farther
extremity. _ They will thus establish two ocean-turnpikes, through
which will lie the nearest way to the East.

Having completed this arrangement, they will immediately proceed
to put in act, for t he ruin of British commerce, an ingenious expedient
of that system of protection, which continental nations have already
so greatly enriched themselves by pursuing. They will levy a pro-
hibitive toll on British shipping, allowing the vessels of all the rest of
the world to pass at moderate rates, so as to have the start of our
merchant ships, and forestall our traffic. We, they reckon, shall, if
they will not let us through the Suez Canal, be obliged quietly to turn
back, and creep our old way round the Cape of Good Hope. They
will, of course, appoint for turnpike-men two famous admirals, each in
command of a vast fleet, in case a British captain should make any
mad attempt to break the bar, or force his way through without paying.

This deep-laid plot will be crowned with success ; for how will Great
Britain be able to withstand it? Great Britain will, indeed, become

Little Britain; her Eastern commerce will be annihilated; and her
Indian empire will pass into the hands of rulers, who not only know
how to govern foreign dependencies, but also how to keep their own
people in order. The sun of England will set for ever; and Europe
be, consequently, a little in the dark. Then will the five great Powers,
who will have accomplished the overthrow of perfidious Albion,
quarrel among themselves : there will be a struggle : the event whereof
will be, that, France will get the upper hand ; and finally, for the hap-
piness of all mankind, the Indian Ocean will be converted into aFrencb
Lake! __

THE TUSCAN STRAW STIRRED.

’Tis well that Napoleon should bluster and grumble,

And Austria her protest should maunder and mumble,

When Sardinia, to right Central Italy’s jumble,

Sends down Bdoncompagni, her Regent to be—

But that Tuscans should suffer the man thus selected
To be snubbed and cold-shouldered and all but rejected.

Is what Mr. Punch would have never expected
From a people so fond of “ good-companie! ”

To Ricasoli, then, Salvagnoli & Co.,

Mr. Punch drops a hint—of course, whispering low,—

They may find they’ll fare worse, if farther they go,

(Since the will to do right won’t prevent getting wrong)

For surely ’t.were folly, superlative—sad,

For folks, when Good-Company is to be had,

To show such a strange predilection for bad,

As, to snub Buoncompagni, and come to Plon-Plon !

Important to Next of Kin.

AYhen a man intends to marry a widow, his friends, if they cannot
prove him a lunatic, should, if possible, take care that he settles very
little of his property on the lady of his choice; for the obvious reason,
that a second-hand wife ought to be cheap, since her new husband can
hardly expect to be dear.