Punch (37.1859)

54

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 6, 1859.

FOOD FOR TEETOTALLERS.

THE POPE AT HIS LITTLE GAME.

I

ccording to “recent experi-
ments in France, it appears
that a horse will live on water
y alone for five - and - twenty

days.” Here is a fact that
Teetotallers, if they are wise,
should make the most of. In
their travelling lectures, they
should have one _ of these
aquatic horses with them.
The old parallel might be
drawn between the brute and
the human being, proving how
much more addicted to habits
of temperance the former was
than the latter. Then the
pertinent question might be
asked, in stentorian language
and teetotal logic, “Where,
pray, will you find the man
who will live for five -an d-
twenty days on water ? ” At
his death, too,—for we do not
suppose that this horse, turned
in his lifetime into a water-
cask, would live long,—the
poor animal might be brought
into use by being sold at a
hippo-restaurateur’s. To a
conscientious Teetotaller, the flesh would be both meat and drink. However, we do not
believe the equestrian feat was ever performed. In our opinion, it has been maliciously put
forward to prove the cruelty of French surgeons in always trying worthless experiments on
animals, and is an absurd story that is only fit to be told to the horse-marines.

The Pope is indulging in his little game
again. _ He threatens any one, who has the
impertinence to attack in any manner the tem-
poral power of the Homan Pontiff, with “a major
excommunication! ” The threat is magnificent!
Victor Emmanuel, when he heard of it, must
have fallen on his knees, and have humbly sued
for pardon. It is amusing, when real cannon-
balls were rattling about, to see the Pope pop-
ping off his little sacerdotal powder and shot.
We are afraid that all “the thunders of the
Vatican,” let them thunder ever so thunderingly,
until every disbelieving Protestant is deafened
with the noise, will not avail much by the side of
Napoleon’s new artillery, and that not all the
canons of the Church will be able to do as much
execution as one of the recently-invented pieces
de precisio?i. Of course, it falls to the duty of
these “canons of the Church” to keep up a
constant supply of the “ thunders of the
Vatican.”

Crabbe’s Tales,

In a recent volume of travels it is stated that
the monks of an Oriental convent had amused
themselves with taming and teaching a great
number of crabs. One great crab, who had been
ten years in the pond, could, it is said, repeat the
Apostles’ Creed. Is this such a marvel for a
great crab? We will bet that the Duke op
Somerset could do it.


PUNCH’S ESSENCE OE PARLIAMENT.

July 25. Monday. Lord Lyndiiurst, at whom it had pleased Mr.

| Bright to scoff, in reference to his Lordship’s recommendation to
i England to be armed, let fly at that respected Quaker, and caught him
what (if pugilistic terms be not out of place when one is alluding to so
pacific a personage) may be designated an extremely neat one on the
] conk, in return for a sarcasm “so pointed, so keen, so bitter, and so
creditable to the talents and taste of Mr. Bright,” as the calling
Lord Lyndhurst “an old peer.” His Lordship then demanded of
the Duke of Somerset whether the French ships were not armed
with rifled cannon, and whether our own were or could be. Somerset
made one of his usual mild and affable replies—he had heard that the
French ships were, and he knew that our own were not, and wouldn’t
be for ever so long, but he wasn’t going to talk about the matter.
Lord Brougham made a good speech about his own grey hairs, and
Education, aud referred to the general opinion that the humbler classes
have better schools, in proportion to requirements, than the middle
class. This is natural, inasmuch while the schools for the former are
to a large extent under surveillance, anybody is free to set up a middle
class school, without any inquiry into his or her knowledge of what
should be taught or fitness to teach it. There was a nursery dialogue
of old days, and it will do again. One Deborah addressed her favourite
Donkey:—

“ Says Deborah, wherefore, since learning’s the rage,

Marrowbones, cherrystones, bundle’em jig,

Should not my dear Donkey teach children their page,

Come, set up a school, and be one of the age,

Of this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful age.”

The Deborah-Donkey classical, commercial, and mathematical
■establishments are very numerous, as will be found out by parents wlio
are trustful. Lord Brougham wanted the Committee of the Privy
Council to inspect middle-class schools, and the Bishop oe Lincoln,
formerly a first class Preceptor, known at Islington as Mr. Jackson,
strongly approved an inspection scheme, but Lord Granville, of
course, thought that the Committee had too much to do ab’eady, and
he suggested nothing else.

In the Commons, after a discussion whether we or the Colonies
ought to defend the latter, and an expression of opinion that they
ought to do something for themselves (certain localities of the kind, on
the other side of the Atlantic, defended themselves very well indeed,
once. upon a time), Sir de Lacy Evans moved for a Commission to
inquire into the condition of our national defences, but Government
obligingly said that it should appoint one of its own, and would not
trouble Sir de Lacy. A Bill for preventing Vexatious Indictments
was advanced. _ We should consider any indictment vexations, and
particularly so if we were guilty of the offence charged, but the Bill is

not to do away with everything of the kind, but only to prevent such
things being brought without the sanction of a magistrate. In the
course of discussion of estimates, Mr. Gregory called attention to the
very small salaries paid to the gentlemen who have charge of the
various departments of the British Museum. Now, these officials are
none of your ignorant or crammed humbugs recommended by great
people, but scholars thoroughly up to their work, who can tell you
from a fragment of an egg-shell what bird it would have come to, can
translate, at sight, the inscription on a perfectly illegible coin, and can
see through the hoards of a portfolio whether the print that is going
to be offered them is valuable or rubbish. Yet these highly educated
gentlemen can, by no possibility, attain to the amount of salary of a
lieutenant-colonel on half-pay. Mr. Gregory deserves the thanks of
all instructed persons for calling attention to the subject, and must
persevere. “ Gregory, remember thy swashing blow.”

Tuesday. It seems that we are awfully cheated in gas, the vendors
having the means of sticking us up for pints, aud quarts, and gallons,
and in fact what they like. It costs Live millions of money per annum.
So we are to have proper measurement, and inspectors to see that
those horrid looking black tilings, like mysterious clocks, that the gas
people put up behind our doors, and occasionally come and peep into,
tell the truth. But unless the bills sent in are inspected too, what’s
the use, for the shrewdest Materfamilias gives up at the gas account.
The Health Bill, we are happy to say, was read a third time, so we are
not quite dependent on Bumbledom, in case there should be an epidemic
from the Thames odours. The Bishop oe London wants more
churches, but Lord Granville does not seem to think it likely his
spiritual lordship will get them.

There was a capital bit of rich farce in the Commons. Sir John
Trelawney’s Bill for doing away with Church Hates came to the
Committee stage, when Mr. Newdegate, champion of the establish-
ment, said that he accepted the situation, and agreed to abolish Church
Hates, but proposed to levy for the support of the churches two-pence
a pound on all property that lias paid church rate within seven years,
and this imposition was to be collected with county rate, and, if the
payer chose, it might be deducted from his rent. The House was so
extremely stupid that it could not see the difference between this and
a church rate, and rejected the plan by 191 to 99. Then the discussion
on church rates got curiously mixed up with one about bells, Members
complaining that they went out of the House to be beyond the reach
of arguments, on the understanding that they were to be rung for
when it was time to vote, and that upon several occasions the
bells had not been rung. The Speaker promised to make a row
about it.

In the evening the new opera, Dmorah, by Meyerbeer, was pro-
duced by Mr. Gye at the Hoyal Italian Opera. There was, therefore,
a Count-Out at six o’clock, which gave Members time to dress and