Punch (37.1859)

July 2, 1859.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

NON-NATURAL FATHERS AND MOTHERS.

ransported with pleasure,
Mr. Fundi notices a glimmer-
ing of sense and reason in the
proceedings of Convocation.
In the Lower House, the other
day, among the notices of mo-
tion given, there was at least
one judicious and praiseworthy
proposal, namely,

“ That an alteration be made in
the 29th canon, which pohibits pa-
rents from being sponsors to their
own children.”

The change in an absurd
and vexatious regulation thus
contemplated will be a real
blessing to the Paterfamilias
of the future. The necessity
of procuring godfathers and
godmothers—at least of pro-
curing god-fathers—is at pre-
sent one of the greatest diffi-
culties of Paterfamilias’s posi-
tion. It obliges him to ask
favours of a number of per-
sons who are mere acquaint-
ances—for what Paterfamilias
with even a moderate family
has intimate friends enough
to suffice his needs respecting
the font? It therefore involves
the admission of comparative
strangers into an intimacy which may be unpleasant. The foolish usage which requires that
he who stands sponsor shall also stand what is vulgarly called Sam, as for instance, by
forking out spoons, aggravates the annoyance of having to make such requests. If the
spoons were customarily wooden, or the cup which is their alternative, crockery-wgre, as
they should be if intended to be symbolic and appropriate, the delicacy of Paterfamilias
would be spared for this matter - but Society demands that the vicarious renunciation of
pomps and vanities shall be signalised by tokens of a material not meaner than silver : and
Materfamilias would be disgusted with the shabbiness that would dream of anything else.
So Paterfamilias lias, in effect, to ask men on whom he feels that he has no sort of claim, to
present his children with plate. This is not pleasant to any gentleman.

“ To ask for a gift of money or money’s worth, however, is ten times less repugnant to the
feelings of a gentleman endowed with conscience plus the sense of honour, than to request
another gentleman to promise and vow that which he cannot possibly perform. Godfathers
and godmothers might as well promise that their godchildren shall be taught Hebrew, as
promise to see that they receive a Christian education. The actual parents of children—
Paterfamilias and Materfamilias themselves—are the only persons who can make any such
promise with any prospect whatever of being able to keep it.

Paterfamilias must not entertain too sanguine a hope that the proposal for reforming the
29th canon will be accepted. The majority of the Clergy will surprise Mr. Punch very much
if they consent to the relaxation of any sort of bondage that oppresses the people. But
gentlemen who sign articles in a non-natural sense, or in no sense whatever, may perhaps
be excused for not understanding the scruples felt by others in making promises and vows of
which the observance is impossible, and in treating the most solemn engagements as
ecclesiastical fictions.

A NICE THING TO SAY TO A GENTLEMAN.

Monsieur Yeuillot, our favourite of the Univers, has been publishing some conversations
he had with Prince Metternicii. Here is a sample of one of them:—■

“ ‘ Count Batthyany,’ said Metternich,
and I make you this prediction.’ ‘What?’

on taking leave of him, ‘ you will persevere in a wrong course>
‘ Count Batthyany, you will be hanged.’ ”

This is as elegant as it was kind. We do not know a more agreeable character than a
tolerated old fogey, who is continually prophesying unpleasant things of his friends. All the
Prince’s predictions, however, did not come so true as the above. There is the celebrated one
of the Deluge, which has not held water as yet, excepting so far as Austria is being gradually
washed out of the map of Europe.

Here is another sample of the Prince’s refined conversation:—

“I (Veuillot) asked the Prince his opinion of Kossuth. He told me, m one word, that he did not give

high place to that demagogue or that he placed him on the same level as Batthyany.”

To place Kossuth on the same level as Batthyany, would be, apparently, to accord him a
much higher place than the Hungarian patriot would have any wish to aspire to. _ Mons.
Yeuillot tumbles into a mistake in the above report, that surprises us somewhat in him, who
is such a savage stickler for the truth in others. We cannot see how Prince Metternicii
could, by the strongest power of condensation of his ideas, have said that “he did not give
a high place to that demagogue,” all “in one word;” not that we are surprised at his
breaking down, as it is so rarely we find a diplomatist who is a man of his word. Mr. Kossuth
need not take to heart the opinions of a man who rarely.spoke well of anybody. Of late years
he squatted on the council-table of Austria, like a withered, torpid, old toad, and did nothing
but croak.

THE INNS OE COURT RIFLE
CORPS.

"Whereas a grievous war is waged
In parts beyond the sea,

Wherein, against our will, engaged
Ourselves may come to be,

And therefore have the sword to draw,
To guard our native shore;

Now we, the limbs of England’s law,
Have formed a llifle Corps.

We ’ll learn with perfect aim to shoot,
That so, in time of need,

We may, to any foreign suit,

Be qualified to plead.

With force and arms to take and seize
All trespassers found here,

And every doe on this demise,

To kill and slay like deer.

We will not, judgment by default,

Let go, with laches base.

In any action of assault,

If we_ conduct the case.

They will the first assault commit.

Then we’ll put in our plea;

An Enfield rifle-ball, to wit,

Against their battery.

All comers we will serve upon
The writ, Ejectment bight,

And lodge detainers if they run,

To save themselves by flight.

Eor Habeas Corpus we will move.

And numbers they’ll return
Whose bodies will our practice prove :
All whom it may concern.

Our word is Fieri Facias !

Wherewith we ’ll open fire,

And on them with a Capias
We ’ll rush, if they retire,

And execution will ensue.

What bills can lawyer file,

Like rifles that will carry true,

And kill at half a mile ?

So let all trespassers beware;

And let a foreign host
Take notice that in case they dare
To land on England’s coast,

Our goods and chattels to convey,

To kill, destroy, and burn,

Ne exeant regno—that’s to say,

They never will return.

A Case for the Board of Works.

Only two sides of tlie Westminster Clock
consented to go on the opening day of Parlia-
ment. Disraeli smiled grimly when he was
told of this, and observed, “ that it was all the
more worthy of Parliament, and would certainly
get on all the better in this world for being
doublefaced.” He suggested that out of com-
pliment to Str James Graham, and other half-
penny legislators of a similar stamp, the clock
should be called Janus, the great head and
patron of all politicians.

A Fitting Testimonial.

We notice with indescribable pleasure, that
a testimonial is being raised for Mr.W. Villiams
amongst his trans-Thamesian admirers. The
subscriptions are to range from a penny to a
pound. We shall certainly not give a pound,
nor shall we give a penny, as the tribute of our
admiration, but shall send a much more fitting
contribution. We shall forward a postage-
stamp, as it has always struck us that our
walued friend, the Wiscount, is terribly in
want of a Head.