Punch (37.1859)

12

[July 9, 1859.

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HOW VERY KIND!

Knowing Old Hand, who evidently does not want to keep the best of the water to himself. “ Don't you think, my
dear fellow, you had better fish from he other side, and then we shall be less likely to interfere with each other.”

ANOTHER AUSTRIAN
DEFEAT.

By all accounts, the
Austrians must soon face
another enemy besides the
two they are engaged with.
Besides the French and
the Sardinians, report says,
they will shortly have to
battle with the Jews. It
is believed that before long
they will find their cash
run short, and that, besides
their foes, they will have
to front their creditors.
The banks of Austria, says
rumour, will in a few
months be evacuated as
cleanly and completely as
have been those of the
Mincio. Now, squeezing
money from the Jews is
the hardest of all fights,
and of all fights the most
certain to result in a de-
feat. It would, therefore,
not surprise us, if the Aus-
trians should find that their
battle for the rhino will
prove as damaging and as
disastrous to their credit,
as has been the battle
which they lost at Solfe-
rino.

A Drop of Truth.—“I
can’t see” (says Lady S—)
“what the people want with
drinking fountains, when
there are so many milk-
shops ! ”

ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.

Mr. Punch having accepted office as Purveyor-General of Puns to
the Royal (and every other British) household, presented himself
yesterday to his University constituents, in order to go through the
constitutional formality of being re-elected as their representative.
It being known that Mr. Punch would make a speech on the occasion,
the interest taken in the proceedings was of course intense. Long
before the hour which was appointed for the ceremony, all approaches
to the place of nomination were blocked up; and when Mr. Punch's
carriage reached the Convocation House, the only modes of entrance
left him were, by scrambling down the chimney or by taking off the
roof. As the latter operation would have kept the meeting waiting,
Mr. Punch, with that urbanity which always has distinguished him,
consented to submit his sacred person to the former; observing, as he
; did so, that few men entered Parliament with cleaner hands than he
i did; and that, having swept Lord Derry out of Downing Street,
there could be no objection to his looking like a Derby sweep. A
facilis descensus being happily accomplished, Mr. Punch forthwith
exchanged his soot for a Court suit, and, appearing on the plat-
form, _ was greeted with the most tumultuous applause. When the
cheering had subsided^ 1 he Vice-Chancellor proposed Mr. Punch
for re-election in the following highly classical and complimentary
remarks —

“Adsum hodie, Academipi, id suffragiis vestris commendem virum
omnium virorum prseclarissime illustrem, cujus quidem magrne
bonseque qualitates sunt in nostris oribus et auribus familiares ut
sunt ilia verba ctuse _ ‘ domestica’ vocantur (plausus). Sum super mea
crura ut ilium vobis nominem, sed nomen tarn bene notum nomi-
narem non necesse est. Neque est necesse, neque id foret possibile,
huuc virum apud vos toomuchium laudare. {Non! non!) Quis enim
Doctorum ac Academicorum ignorat quantum ille polleat virtute, quam
sit rebus publicis versatus et privatis, quam sciens (scio equidem)
omnigenffi doctrinse, quam literis excellens, quam oratione stunnans,
quam vitse atque morum integer et purus, quantum denique. Est ille
uptosnufficc levatus, et quam bene expertus in tempore diei (audite !):
ita ut baud niente humana possit concipi ullus alius mortalis qui Nos
in senatu tarn digne representet. {Audite! audite!) Non vir ordi-
naris has partes potest agere, non homo communis vestris igitur
suffragiis est nunc exornandus; sed Is, cujus ingenium, wittum, et

doctrinam, totus mundus civilisus admiratur et applaudat. Is, quern
in verbis Aristotliensibus reTpayuvos areu ipdyov vocare licet. At quod
est, vernaculariter, Brickus nullusque error! Eligere liunc kominern
vos jumpere debetis ! (Magnus plausus!) Nemo sed is ipse unquam

potest esse parallela ejus. {Major plausus.) Eum denique pro omni
in omni capiatis, namque baud ullum ei similens in vita kac videbitis.
{Plausus tumultuosus.) Concludo igitur, amici, nominando Magnum
Punchium, virum piissimum et perfacetissimum, pro vobis in Ride
Communium resedere.”

A prolonged burst of cheering followed this address; and no rival
appearing, Mr. Punch was re-elected, and addressed the learned
Meeting in the following neat speech :—

“Amici, atque Acad-amici. {Vox: Oh! oh!) Solitus ut sum ad ;
publicum loquendum, tamen mihi est diabolice difficile invenire verba j
meos sensus quse exprimant. Hoc vere est proudissimum momentum
meae vitae. {Plausus!) Vobis cunct.is, Acaaemici, et prsesertim meo
bono amico qui jamjam elocutus est, meas optimas et calidissimas
velim dare gratias. Virtus, ut vos scitis est sui rewardus {audite!),
Anglia expectat ut quisque homo suum ‘ duty ’ semper faciet.. Ego j
meum semper feci, nemo id potest negare {Non! non!)-, et in me
nunc eligendo vos vestrum jam fecistis. {Plausus!) .Brevitas, vos
scitis, anima est Punchii: ergo, Academici, vos non detinebo. {Vox:
Non ad omne!) Dicam igitur- ‘Valete!’ non necesse est ut vobis
adderem nunc ‘ Plaudite! ’ ”

At the conclusion of this eloquent and highly classical address,
Mr. Punch resumed his seat amid thunders of applause,—“tria tem-
pora tria ” being called for in his honour, with the usual addition of a
“parvum unum in.” Mr. Punch then having quaffed a glass of College
ale, just to take the taste of the dog Latin from his mouth, jumped
into a special train, which was in waiting, and reached his home in
time to take his Judy to the Haymarket, where he found that the new
play of the Contested Election had attracted pretty nearly as closely-
crammed an audience as had Mr. Punch's ^-contested election,
whereof he to posterity here hands down the particulars.

Very Appropriate.—We are informed by the Moniteur, that Gene-
ral de la Hitte, who has made the new rifle cannon his especial study,
is about to join the army of Italy. If a name can carry luck with it,
General de la Hitte is clearly “ the right man in the right place.”