Punch (37.1859)

124

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 24, 185 U

“ I shall not enter into detail, my dear Lord, or vindicate myself for
what it suited me to say in well-watched conversations in your drawing-
room or my own. I am content to be charged with not knowing men
by one who does not even knowr himself, and mistakes himself for a
statesman; and as to knowing women, 1 deprecate the levity which
would sanction a woman’s presuming to meddle with matters beyond
the sphere which Providence has assigned to her.*

“ While it is necessary for me to maintain the Palmerston Cabinet
by retaining the Foreign Office, I shall administer that department in
conformity with the principles to which I have ever adhered, principles
which placed the House of Brunswick on the throne of these realms,
and will, I trust, long retain it there, in spite of the dangerous intrigues
of sciolists, and the reprehensible flippancy of octogenarians.

“ That I may not seem ungrateful for your Lordship’s kind advice,
I will venture to return it by strongly recommending that instead of
interfering with my business, your Lordship should mind your own.

“ With kindest wishes for your Lordship’s health (the evenings are
cold and damp) believe me,

“ My dear Lord,

“ Yours, very sincerely,

“ The Lord Palmerston.” “John Russell.”

* TLis last sentence of all seems to Lave been interpolated hastily, and as if the
letter, after being approved by another eye than the writer’s, had been re-opened.

CHIVALRY IN EXCELSIS.

he man who would refuse to
stretch forth his hand—and so
forth. When did Mr. Punch
ever decline to help a lady who
wanted anything ? The perse-
vering way in which the doings
of his friend “Mrs. Jones
of Plateglass ” are perpetually
brought before the excited
world really deserves all the
co-operation he can afford.
Whether lie entirely shares
the Plateglass idea that the
universe watches the Plate-
glass movements as astrono-
mers watch comets, or Lord
John watches Palmerston, is
beside the question. Mr. Punch
is far too chivalrous to be par-
ticular. lie had not read any
announcement about Plate-
glass for at least three weeks,
when he suddenly lighted upon
a statement in a Welsh paper
that “Mas. Jones of Plate-
glass, whose carriage was re-

cently upset, has recovered
from the effects of the accident.”
The paragraph does not say whether the lady was in the carriage ;

but, presuming that such were the case, and that all is well (had

he an idea that all were not so, of course he would split up his pen
into Welsh consonants sooner than joke on the matter) he proceeds
at once to promote the desired publicity and to offer bis gallant
homage to the lady, thus

“ Mrs. Jones of Plateglass,

Going over a pass.

Was upset, her postilion most likely an ass:

But since the Welsh stones
Have demolished no hones,

Punch begs to congratulate dear Mrs. Jones.”

The Laureate Abroad and at Home.

t Alfred Tennyson has just returned from a visit to Lisbon.
Curiosity having been expressed about the motive of bis voyage,
Mr. Punch is authorised to state, that it was not for the purpose of
adding a sprig of Portugal laurel to his English garland. Had the
visit been to fepain instead of Portugal, one might have supposed it
connected with a performance on the Laureate’s official instrument,-—
the sack-butt.

con. for a cockney.

YV iiy is the extra Income-Tax like a Whirlpool.

Because it’s a vortex. (War-tax.)

LOOK TO YOUR GOLD DIGGINGS.

A Voice from Backwortb, Victoria, the voice of a British subject,
cries—

“ I am one of 200,000 men who live in one of England's colonies ; we eacn, upon
an average, export close upon £100 sterling1, the greater part to the mother country.

. . We can muster something like 10,000 weapons, muskets, rifles, &c. ; as to

ammunition, we have no powder unless it is for blasting purposes. . . In our

chief towns we have movable property worth £20,000,000, houses, gardens, &c.,
that have cost us twice as much, but we are so ill-protected that 1,000 men, similar
to Englishmen, could levy £5.000,000 from us as a ransom, or could do our property
damage to the extent of £70,000,000. Besides which, there is shipping and property
of England always in Hobson’s Bay to the extent of millions.”

Is there any occasion to quote more of this sort of thing ? Isn’t
it obviously the preface to a demand for a vote of an enormous sum
to provide a fleet, an army, and fortifications for the defence of
Melbourne ? There is necessity for a little further quotation, as the
conclusion to the foregoing statement is not what previous experience
would lead any one to anticipate:—

“ We do not wish to beg—what we need we can pay for. All we ask from the
home Government is, say, 50,000 or 100,000 riflo^, with bayonets and ammunition.
Your War Minister may draw upon us for the amount. We will not dishonour his
draft. You should send out, say, three heavy-armed gun or dispatch steam vessels.
You often send more where they are less needed.”

This appeal will of course be attended to as soon as Parliament
meets, unless Parliament is saved that trouble, which it might be,
easily. Why should not an association of enterprising capitalists
forthwith supply the Melbourne people with all the arms and ammu-
nition they want ? Their demand for weapons and gunpowder might
speedily be met by a joint-stock company, of limited, and very limited,
liability, since the customers would be sure pay, and, being in urgent
want of the desired articles, would doubtless give a good price lor
them. Their want is pressing. Are there no Filibusters in America,
and elsewhere ? Russia is in want of a loan: suppose she were to go
in a man-of-war or two, and borrow money of Australia, on her own
terms? The French Colonels have never yet thought of sacking
Melbourne—the enterprise would be more profitable and less difficult
than a similar attempt upon London • where, though they might grab
considerable booty, they might not he able ultimately to get off with
it. Australia lias now no protection from the Colonels, but the mode-
ration of the Emperor, and sea-sickness, which would perhaps forbid
their voyage to the Antipodes, because, in the present state of our
own national defences, it is the principal obstacle to their crossing
the Channel.

AN ERROE OE THE PRESS THAT WANTS
CORRECTING.

YVe extract the following advertisement from the Athenanim:—

TYEPORTER YVANTED.—YVANTED, on a Newspaper in a small
Y v Town in the West of England, a REPORTER and READER, who would be also
required to keep the Accounts, and attend to the publishing of the paper. One
practically acquainted with Printing indispensable. Address, <Ssc. &c.

YYre wonder what the salary would be of the above rarity that is
wanted. It ought to be something stupendously large, for we notice
that the reporter is expected to do the work of no less than five separate
individuals. He must be reporter, reader, accountant, publisher, and
something of a printer. The remuneration ought to be correspondingly
comprehensive. Our only wonder is, that the list of required qualifi-
catious stopped so short as it has done. It might with equal justice
and good taste have been extended much further. YVhy have not laid
it down that no one need apply who could not clean the windows,
sweep out the shop, put the children to bed, drive a donkey-cart to
market, and make himself generally useful when company came to
dinner ? Something might, also, have been said about wearing a livery,
and following behind the family, and carrying the prayer-books, when it
went in grand parade to church on Sundays. The reporter on a pro-
vincial paper is sadly to be pitied. He is expected to know something
of everything, and to do a little of everything. Occasionally he walks
in the course of the day as much as a postman. He must be ready at
a moment’s notice to run into the country some five or ten miles, to
attend a coroner’s inquest, or to pay court for days to the chief con-
stable of some distant district, in order to pick up some exclusive
information about a recently apprehended murderer. He must sacrifice
his time, his rest, his meals, his tastes—everything to his employer.
As for sleep, he must sleep where he can, and at what hours he can.
So long as the steam-engine is panting for “copy,” he must not think
of closing his eyes. The provincial reporter occupies on the press,
pretty much the same position as a governess holds in society. He is
equally hard worked, aud not much better paid. YYre should like to
put, for a short time, the proprietor of the above “newspaper in a
small town in the West of England” to do what he modestly demands
of the encyclopediac reporter he is in search of, and we will warrant
that, after a week’s hard fagging at it, he would willingly purchase
his release by exchanging places with his maid-of-all-work.