Punch (37.1859)

164

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 22, 1859.

MONCKTON MILNES ON THE MAINE LAW.

here is a secular cant,
as well as a religious
cant. For example,
lecturing philanthro-
pists are constantly
ascribing the crime of
the country chiefly to
drink. At the Social
Science Congress at
Bradford, the other
day, Mr.. Monckton
Milnes, in refutation
of this particular cant,
honestly said,—

“It appears to me, how-
ever, to be asserted with-
out sufficient foundation,
that the crime of any
country is mainly de-
pendent on the con-
sumption of intoxicating
drinks, and that the
higher morality of man-
kind mainly depends on
abstinence from this gra-
tification.”

What moral nations
the Mahometans
ought to be, — tee-
totallers of twelve
centuries standing !
What an innocent
race ought thin pota-
tions to have rendered

our mild Hindoos! A set of would-be censors of British manners and customs are still
plotting and contriving the introduction of the Maine Law, so as to prevent a man without a
cellar from getting a glass of ale. On this project of those pedantic busy-bodies, again hear
Monckton Milnes :—

“ I feel, however, that whatever we do in this matter, we must do it fairly between all these classes. You
must not leave me and my Lord Brougham our claret and our sherry, and, in the words of the old song—

“ Rob the poor man of his beer.”

“ You must not allow to us all the comforts and socialities of life, and deprive ttm artisan of tbe locality
which is his club and his soiree, and that before you have built him a decent house to go to, or taught his
wife to dress his supper. Beware of the patronising benevolence which would debar the working classes
from all gaiety of heart and manners except such as your refinement of taste may appreciate, and rather
endeavour to raise their standard of pleasure than to restrict their present enjoyments.”

THE CABMAN’S PROGRESS.

“ Much remains for us to do, but the advance of edu-
cation is certainly very marked. Classes once illiterate
now show a love of literature, the taste for which indeed
has oven reached our Cabmen, who in demeanour and
civility are not the men they were.”—Social Science Sjieech,
October, 1859.

Air—“ She wore a Wreath of Roses."

He wore a cape of oilskin
The night when first we met,

And rather husky seemed his voice
With recent heavy wet;

His cab was of the shabbiest.

His borse mere skin and bone.

For cruelty to animals
No sentence then was known;

I saw he was a bruiser,

And timidly did bow,

To an estimate of distance
No court would sanction now.

A flashly painted Hansom
When next we met he drove,

And all his chums regarded him
As quite a nobby cove:

I never knew him condescend
To take his legal fare.

Save once, when hired to Highgate,

For “he wanted change of air : ”

And though he drove as brisk a trade
As any cab in town,

I never heard him own that he
Had change for half-a-crown.

And once again I see that man.

No bully now is there,

He treats a lady civilly,

And takes Sixpence for his fare;

His cab no more is windowless.

No longer “screw ’’-propelled.

As in the good old time when he
The reins of power held.

I see him as my fancy paints,

And some may live to see :

For ’tis the age of progress
E’en with cabmanity!

Yes, you iniquitous Pumps, if you are to have a just Maine Law, you must pass an Act
to prohibit the importation of Port, Claret, Burgundy, Champagne, Cognac, Schiedam, and
every other description of wine and spirit. Perhaps you will maintain that the infamous
bribery and corruption which have just been brought home to so many respectable gentlemen,
were owing to the “ fermented beverages ” which they are used to indulge in. But what
if there is a votary of temperance among the corruptionists? Why, then you will ignore
him, as you do the Turks and the Brahmins. H common thieves became thieves from
addicting themselves to beer, of course uncommon thieves, such as criminal bankers and
embezzling trustees, began to deviate from the path of rectitude in consequence of taking
their glass of sherry. Peradventure you will assert that they did.

A Maine Law is a law for schoolboys. Its advocates are a set of would-be self- constituted
pedagogues to the grown population. They want to shut the public-houses against the
public, as though the public wore pinafores. Perhaps these disciplinarians would, if they
could, make the public wear pinafores. Perhaps they desire to persuade the naughty people
to allow themselves to be occasionally hoisted, and receive wholesome correction from the
hands of their amateur preceptors with a switch. People, indeed, who are capable of
allowing themselves to be subject to childish restraints may well be expected to submit to
the chastisement of children. Anyhow, they deserve to be whipped. Liberty for ever!
even the liberty to get drunk. Where there is no freedom there is no virtue; where men
are disable! from drinking there is no sobriety. Keep brandy out of the reach of infants;
■lock it up in lunatic asylums. But desist, 0 ye Pumps, from urging Society to allow you
to put it in a strait-waistcoat, and a high chair and a slobbering-bib. If you cannot be
quiet, go the whole Pump, and clamour for a law which will not only close the pot-house, but
prevent you from fuddling yourselves in your own apartments.

A Volume of Sentences.

It seems that Big Ben is to be cut into four pieces, so as to let him down easy. We
should be more gentle in the blows we inflict on this fallen favourite, though we suppose it
is in human nature to strike one who has been so immeasurably above us all. We think
sufficient punishment has already been passed upon poor Ben, for not only has he
been beaten, hung, and drawn, but now lie is to be quartered; and we actually had the
cruelty to make him ring his own death-knell as well. In fact, its life may be compared
to a set of the Newgate Calendar, for it has been nothing but a series of trials that
comprised volume upon volume of “sentences;” every one of which has been carried into
execution.

TYPES OF LONGEVITY AND DISEASE.

The great difference between the Lrench and
English Press is avertissemens and advertise-
ments. By avertissemens the one dies,—by j
advertisements the other lives. You may call it
a question of life and death. The only warning
that an English newspaper needs is the fact of
its circulation becoming less and less every
week; it then knows that it is gradually sink-
ing. The Lrench government adopts, with
regard to the Press, the system vulgarly attri-
buted to apoplexy—it generally gives three
warnings, and then the life of the poor patient
is suspended. The organs of the English Press
are full of health and vitality, whereas the life of
the French Press hangs upon a mere thread, that
can be cut short by the scissors of the Censor
at a moment’s notice.

Square and Compass.

It is perfectly right and proper for labourers
to combine in order to obtain a fair day’s wages
for a fair day’s work; but any masons who will
suffer themselves to be bullied by other workmen
out of working on their own terms for whom-
soever they please, are at any rate no Free-
masons.

Balm for Blue - Stockings.—Beauty is a
great thing, but Learning is better. In the esti-
mation of the ancients, even, the Muses counted
for three times as much as the Graces.