Punch (47.1864)

20

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 9, 1864.

MRS. BROWN AT THE ACADEMY.

“Well, in all my born days, I never see such a Many Pioters; and Lor!
the Gold Frames was Beautiful—but I hot that Squeeged I did, and the Place

WERE THAT STUFFY,” &C., &C.

A DOMESTIC RECIPE.

Mr. Punch lias seen a new periodical called the
Bystander. At present it is rather slow, and he would
advise it, as policemen usually advise bystanders, to
move on. But, as George Herbert says, no one
should disdain to pick out treasures from an earthen
pot; and here is a treasure of a recipe from the new
work:—

“ How to Deal with a Cross Person.—We know of no better
rule than to keep one’s temper under provocation; but this we
know is a very difficult thing. Perfect silence is the only way
some people can keep their tempers, and that to a cross person
is often but adding fuel to the flame. A little unexpected act of
attention, or kindness at such a time, will sometimes surprise your
opponent into good humour in spite of himself, and start repentant
tears from his eyes. Happy he who can do this.”

Well, yes, for to doit properly, he must have a decent
account at his bankers. We would, in the first place,
clear away any idea of crossness between masculines,
because if a fellow shows us the slightest sign of
temper, we simply pitch the nearest thing at his head,
call him a name, which is scarcely one of compliment,
and walk out of the room. Nor have we anything to
do with the way in which a lady should vanquish a cross
man—the ladies know their own business. But we
have tried the above recipe in the case of a cross
•woman, and with extraordinary success. At the
moment when the frown was angriest, the pout the
prominentest, and the foot the shakiest, we suddenly
clasped a bracelet on one arm, and put a box (grand
tier) for Faust into the hand belonging to the other.
We are almost ashamed to say what was the result.
But it comes expensive, though, and we agree with
the Bystander, happy he who can do this.

Important to Spanish Bondholders.

In the Money Article of the Times it is thus written:—

“ Tbe financial position of Spain is beginning to give rise o
serious conjectures.”

Those who are interested in Spanish solvency will be
reassured by this announcement of authority, which on
all commercial and pecuniary matters is acknowledged
to be infallible. They will take heart from the assurance
that the financial position of Spain is at last beginning to
give rise to conjectures of a serious nature. It is _ so
long since Spanish finance was looked upon as anything
but a joke ! _

Definition.—Stern Duty. —The Post of Helmsman.

RAILWAY JOKING.

Dear Punch,

What funny fellows are these Railway directors—the Great
Western ones especially! Such a famous practical joke they play on
poor excursionists, and on Sunday mornings too, which makes the thing
still funnier. You see a notice issued, that weekly on that day an
Excursion train will start for Windsor, Maidenhead and Henley at nine
o’clock, a.m., and half-a-crown or so a seat. So you cut yourself in
shaving, in your hurry to be ready, (for early rising on a Sunday is not
a sane man’s usual rule), and, having scampered to the station, you see
a finger-notice pointing “ ifeg” To the Excursion Train; ” but if you do
as I did, you find the gate to which the finger points is locked, and
nobody is there to tell you where to find the train. Then, if you do as
I did, you go to the first ticket-clerk you happen to discover, and ask
for a cheap ticket to the place you want to go to. He says, at least to
me he said, “ There’s no cheap tickets there,” and, if you do as I did,
you ’ll be fool enough to credit him, and pay him the full fare. You
will afterwards discover that cheap tickets were issued, although not
at the ticket-hole applied to the first-class, which chanced to be the one
at which you liappened to present yourself. Of course the clerk might
have informed you, without much loss of breath, that though he gave
no cheap tickets, another fellow did ; but then, you see, the joke of the
directors would be spoiled, and the joke is just to tempt poor devils
like me to cheap trains, and then make us pay pretty dearly for a seat
in them. In the hope that I may see a director reading this, and ask
him how he likes it, 1 subscribe myself,

Yours truthfully, One of the Done.

P.S. Perhaps you’ll say it served me right for travelling on a Sunday.
Well, I won’t do so again—at least not on the Great Western.

VOICES OE THE NIGHT.

Mu Punch in his society is constantly, of course, a hearer of good
things ; but the two best things that he has heard for mauy a long day are
the charming voice of Patti m the Opera of Faust, and the noble voice
of Titiens in the Opera of Fidelio. Of Patti, Mr. Bunch need only say
her Margherita is a pearl (as the name is said to indicate), which shines
brightly in the brilliant setting Mr. Gye has given to it. Mr. Bunch has
seen and heard half-a-dozen Margheritas, and hopes to five to hear and
see at least six dozen of them more; but though each of them may
have some special claims to praise, he scarcely expects one of them will
please him on the whole so well as Adelina Patti.

With regard to Leonora, such singing and such acting make Bunch
young again to witness; for while doing so, a score of years fall off
from his shoulders, and he fancies himself hearing the best singers of
old days before voices were worn threadbare by the fury of a Verdi
and the blaring of a band. The noble music of Beethoven “ rendered ”
(as the slang goes) by the noble voice of Titiens, is one of those good
things that one can never have too much of; and as the Prince of
Wales has shown his taste for music by “specially desiring” this for
one last final extra night, Mr. Bunch will, in the name of his million
and one readers, also specially desire it for at least a score of positively
final last nights more. _ _

Town Improvement.—There is, we hear, a winter garden to be
opened at Somer’s Town.

Pleasant Mem for a Wet Day.—There’s never a Cab within
hail.