DOI Heft:
July 16, 1864
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16874#0029
July 16, 1864.]
PUNCH. OU THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
■A'
Park Keeper. “Don’t you Know it’s agin the Hact o’ Parliament a Fishin’ ?”
Prisoner. “ Please, S’, ain’t been a Fishin’, S’.”
Park Keeper. “ But you ’ye been a Baidin’ and Abettin’.”
Prisoner. “ Oh no, S’; ’po’ m’ word, S’, ain’t been a Betttn’, S’; ain’t got no
Money, S’! ”
MAXIMS FOR THE MEAN.
Why not use that dirty envelope ? Your cor-
respondent is bound to think it was soiled by the
postman.
You can turn your linen-collars, and so save in
the washing bill. But they fray sooner, from the
harder rubbing required.
Try to get your host to talk you down to the
door. You cannot tip his servants under his eye.
A cigar-case with a complex fastening, oyer which
you bungle and growl, wdl often draw a cigar from
a friend who wants you to light up and come on.
You can hardly be such a fool as to have
smaller change than a half sovereign about you
when you have offered to share the cab that is
going to set you down.
Tip the boxkeeper a shilling, and a liberal
friend will probably stand ices for the party and
sherry and seltzer for you—a good bargain.
Wait, and be last, in leaving a railway car-
riage. It is safest, and you can then take the
abandoned newspapers, and may get an umbrella.
Always recognise, and ostentatiously assist one
disreputable member of your family. He will
be your excuse for never giving a single shilling
to any other relation. He has half ruined
you, &c.
Latest American Telegrams.
(Condensed and Translated.)
Grant reduced to grunt.
Sheridan’s Rivals successful.
Hunter hunted.
Harder toasted.
Macpherson not an Ossy ’un; his cavalry
cut up.
Thomas’s men rendered fit for Guy’s.
Pillow on Sherman’s rear.
PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
The Week, July 4—9. We hope that the Conservatives are now happy
in their minds. They have been incessantly informing us, for the last two
or three years, that the House of Commons, represen'ing the country,
desired nothing so much as to turn Lord Palmerston’s Cabinet out?of
office. They have won several isolated elections, and had convinced
themselves that these little victories had filed and smoothed down the
little majority possessed by the Government. We have for a long time
been assured that Mr. Disraeli had but to go in and win.
Mr. Punch, who is a tremendous Conservative, but also a being of
extraordinary wisdom, has always replied to these statements by begging
his friends not to dwell in a fool’s Paradise. He has assured them that
the House and the country wished for Lord Palmerston’s continuance
in office, and that the Tories, who make an excellent Opposition—for
the ideal of opposition is a reasonable obstructiveness—are not at present
wanted at the head of the State. Eor this advice and assurance, which
he has always tendered in the most delicate and respectful manner, he
has been horribly abused by Conservative organs, some of which have
accused him of being bribed by Lord Palmerston, as if Punch was not
much more able and likely to bribe Pam than to be bribed by him. He
has been assailed in the style of the defunct scandalous journals that did
not spare the names of the ladies of an antagonist’s family. And all for
telling the silly, hungry rank and file of the Conservatives what their
leaders knew quite well, and dared not tell, namely, that they could not
turn out Lord Palmerston.
Now the attempt has been made, and under the most favourable
circumstances. They could not have expected so capital a chance.
The sweet face and the popularity of the Princess of Wales, a weak
and gallant nation fighting bravely against overwhelming millions,
England awfully abused and ridiculed on the Continent, a rather too
meddlesome Foreign Secretary to bait, a strong national feeling for the
Danes, indignation at German atrocities, a series of partial failures in
diplomacy, the recklessness of a moribund Parliament, all combined to
promise success to an attack. It has been made, and after a week of
debate the House of Commons has decided, by a majority of 18 in a
house of 608, that the Conservatives shall not come into office. Now,
perhaps, they wish that they had taken the advice of their faithful
Punch, instead of abusing that gentle creature.
They can plaster up their wounds in any way they like. The Standard
“ cannot think it a political victory.” Nobody has asked the Standard
to think about anything—we hope more humanity exists among us.
Presently we shall be told that A. was pledged, and broke his word, that B.
had the gout, that C. would have been with them, but that his wife was ill,
that D. was shut out, that E. had an unfortunate quarrel with Colonel
Taylor, that F. is a neighbour of Sir Charles Wood and had bene
talked over, that G. is a reprobate apostate for whom no condemnation
is too strong, that H. is a violent Protestant and has been offended by
the Irish Alliance, that I. missed the train, that J. got into the wrong
lobby, that K.’s wife is on such terms with Lady Russell that K.
could hardly vote, especially as Mrs. K. is not in a state of health to
bear agitation, that L. is suffering under a heavy family affliction (his
rich uncle has married a housemaid), that M. having been snubbed by
Mr. Disraeli in 1859, remembered it on Saturday morning, that N.’s
brother is in a mess with his accounts as a Government clerk, that 0.
wants a ship for his son, that P. has discovered a dormant claim to a
Peerage, and has interpreted a confidential wink of Lord Westbury’s
to mean that if P. will not be obnoxious he shall be Lord Pigwiggin,
one of these days, that Q.’s daughter visits one of the Maids of Honour,
and the doting father is ruled by Arabella, and that very foolishly
(and our people are not half so attentive to these things as Cambridge
House), R. was not asked to Lady Derby’s last party, and his name
wasn’t even given to the newspapers, so he managed to be ill. Here
are exactly IS men, and if they had done their duty, as might have been
expected, where would have been your Palmerston majority F Very
true. But perhaps Mr. Brand has got 18 letters out of the Liberal
alphabet which have also been sulking, or honouring their wives and
daughters, or feeling Protestant, and the rest of it. And be this as it
may, nobody wants to know how Humpty-Dumpty tell from the wall,
when we see him lying a smashed conglomerate of egg-shell, yolk, and
white,—and not over fresh.
Mr. Punch has, upon occasion, reported the hugest debates with a
condensation and a minuteness which have excited the wonder of the
world. Iiaving read every line of the Danish debate, as it will be
called, because it had really nothing to do with Denmark, he has moved,
seconded, and unanimously carried a resolution to the effect, that upon
this occasion he shall be pleasing himself most by merely indicating the
course of the affair, and noting a few points. The object of the resolu-
tion moved by Mr. Disiiaeli was to turn o-ut the Government. The
Conservative whips never believed that it could be done, but the party
resolved to try. They had, really, a very good prima facie case, and,
moreover, as they have done next to nothing all the Session, they were
bound to give some signs of organised action, if they were to be con-
sidered a party at all. The resolution moved by Mr. Disraeli was to
the effect that the policy of Government had lowered the just influence
PUNCH. OU THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
■A'
Park Keeper. “Don’t you Know it’s agin the Hact o’ Parliament a Fishin’ ?”
Prisoner. “ Please, S’, ain’t been a Fishin’, S’.”
Park Keeper. “ But you ’ye been a Baidin’ and Abettin’.”
Prisoner. “ Oh no, S’; ’po’ m’ word, S’, ain’t been a Betttn’, S’; ain’t got no
Money, S’! ”
MAXIMS FOR THE MEAN.
Why not use that dirty envelope ? Your cor-
respondent is bound to think it was soiled by the
postman.
You can turn your linen-collars, and so save in
the washing bill. But they fray sooner, from the
harder rubbing required.
Try to get your host to talk you down to the
door. You cannot tip his servants under his eye.
A cigar-case with a complex fastening, oyer which
you bungle and growl, wdl often draw a cigar from
a friend who wants you to light up and come on.
You can hardly be such a fool as to have
smaller change than a half sovereign about you
when you have offered to share the cab that is
going to set you down.
Tip the boxkeeper a shilling, and a liberal
friend will probably stand ices for the party and
sherry and seltzer for you—a good bargain.
Wait, and be last, in leaving a railway car-
riage. It is safest, and you can then take the
abandoned newspapers, and may get an umbrella.
Always recognise, and ostentatiously assist one
disreputable member of your family. He will
be your excuse for never giving a single shilling
to any other relation. He has half ruined
you, &c.
Latest American Telegrams.
(Condensed and Translated.)
Grant reduced to grunt.
Sheridan’s Rivals successful.
Hunter hunted.
Harder toasted.
Macpherson not an Ossy ’un; his cavalry
cut up.
Thomas’s men rendered fit for Guy’s.
Pillow on Sherman’s rear.
PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
The Week, July 4—9. We hope that the Conservatives are now happy
in their minds. They have been incessantly informing us, for the last two
or three years, that the House of Commons, represen'ing the country,
desired nothing so much as to turn Lord Palmerston’s Cabinet out?of
office. They have won several isolated elections, and had convinced
themselves that these little victories had filed and smoothed down the
little majority possessed by the Government. We have for a long time
been assured that Mr. Disraeli had but to go in and win.
Mr. Punch, who is a tremendous Conservative, but also a being of
extraordinary wisdom, has always replied to these statements by begging
his friends not to dwell in a fool’s Paradise. He has assured them that
the House and the country wished for Lord Palmerston’s continuance
in office, and that the Tories, who make an excellent Opposition—for
the ideal of opposition is a reasonable obstructiveness—are not at present
wanted at the head of the State. Eor this advice and assurance, which
he has always tendered in the most delicate and respectful manner, he
has been horribly abused by Conservative organs, some of which have
accused him of being bribed by Lord Palmerston, as if Punch was not
much more able and likely to bribe Pam than to be bribed by him. He
has been assailed in the style of the defunct scandalous journals that did
not spare the names of the ladies of an antagonist’s family. And all for
telling the silly, hungry rank and file of the Conservatives what their
leaders knew quite well, and dared not tell, namely, that they could not
turn out Lord Palmerston.
Now the attempt has been made, and under the most favourable
circumstances. They could not have expected so capital a chance.
The sweet face and the popularity of the Princess of Wales, a weak
and gallant nation fighting bravely against overwhelming millions,
England awfully abused and ridiculed on the Continent, a rather too
meddlesome Foreign Secretary to bait, a strong national feeling for the
Danes, indignation at German atrocities, a series of partial failures in
diplomacy, the recklessness of a moribund Parliament, all combined to
promise success to an attack. It has been made, and after a week of
debate the House of Commons has decided, by a majority of 18 in a
house of 608, that the Conservatives shall not come into office. Now,
perhaps, they wish that they had taken the advice of their faithful
Punch, instead of abusing that gentle creature.
They can plaster up their wounds in any way they like. The Standard
“ cannot think it a political victory.” Nobody has asked the Standard
to think about anything—we hope more humanity exists among us.
Presently we shall be told that A. was pledged, and broke his word, that B.
had the gout, that C. would have been with them, but that his wife was ill,
that D. was shut out, that E. had an unfortunate quarrel with Colonel
Taylor, that F. is a neighbour of Sir Charles Wood and had bene
talked over, that G. is a reprobate apostate for whom no condemnation
is too strong, that H. is a violent Protestant and has been offended by
the Irish Alliance, that I. missed the train, that J. got into the wrong
lobby, that K.’s wife is on such terms with Lady Russell that K.
could hardly vote, especially as Mrs. K. is not in a state of health to
bear agitation, that L. is suffering under a heavy family affliction (his
rich uncle has married a housemaid), that M. having been snubbed by
Mr. Disraeli in 1859, remembered it on Saturday morning, that N.’s
brother is in a mess with his accounts as a Government clerk, that 0.
wants a ship for his son, that P. has discovered a dormant claim to a
Peerage, and has interpreted a confidential wink of Lord Westbury’s
to mean that if P. will not be obnoxious he shall be Lord Pigwiggin,
one of these days, that Q.’s daughter visits one of the Maids of Honour,
and the doting father is ruled by Arabella, and that very foolishly
(and our people are not half so attentive to these things as Cambridge
House), R. was not asked to Lady Derby’s last party, and his name
wasn’t even given to the newspapers, so he managed to be ill. Here
are exactly IS men, and if they had done their duty, as might have been
expected, where would have been your Palmerston majority F Very
true. But perhaps Mr. Brand has got 18 letters out of the Liberal
alphabet which have also been sulking, or honouring their wives and
daughters, or feeling Protestant, and the rest of it. And be this as it
may, nobody wants to know how Humpty-Dumpty tell from the wall,
when we see him lying a smashed conglomerate of egg-shell, yolk, and
white,—and not over fresh.
Mr. Punch has, upon occasion, reported the hugest debates with a
condensation and a minuteness which have excited the wonder of the
world. Iiaving read every line of the Danish debate, as it will be
called, because it had really nothing to do with Denmark, he has moved,
seconded, and unanimously carried a resolution to the effect, that upon
this occasion he shall be pleasing himself most by merely indicating the
course of the affair, and noting a few points. The object of the resolu-
tion moved by Mr. Disiiaeli was to turn o-ut the Government. The
Conservative whips never believed that it could be done, but the party
resolved to try. They had, really, a very good prima facie case, and,
moreover, as they have done next to nothing all the Session, they were
bound to give some signs of organised action, if they were to be con-
sidered a party at all. The resolution moved by Mr. Disraeli was to
the effect that the policy of Government had lowered the just influence