DOI issue:
July 23, 1864
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16874#0045
July 23, 1864.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
CROQUET.
A Parenthesis.
An English-Erenehman, whom this pen respects,
Tells me that in my use of circumflex
Over the “e” in Croquet, as you see,
I am in no way authorised. (ISesprit
Of the French language asks for, I confess,
A circumflex when we omit an “ s.”)
My sole authority’s John Ja-ques ; so
1 give him up. Ask him; he ought to know.
x.
If you ’re a hand at Billiards, then you
Will choose a mallet as you would a cue •
The mallet should be made of Box or Ash,
All other kinds you may set down as trash;
Four shapes there are: howbeit, you will see
But one in constant use. Now this should be
So balanced, as to need but little strength,
And, on an average, three feet in length.
Sometimes the play demands a smartish rap,
Sometimes you will but give a gentle tap;
So that you can strike soft or hard with ease,
You’ll hold the mallet any way you please.
A coloured ring should every mallet note—
One blue, one red, ana so on, as in rote
Mark both the starting and the turning pegs.
Like varied garters on two wooden legs.
XI.
The Croquet Ball comes next; and this should be.
If made of English wood, formed from that tree
Which in our parks and forests may be found,
Whence sylvan ’Peckers draw a hollow sound.
But better far to bear the mallet’s knocks,
Are Croquet Balls turned out of Turkey-Box;
Three inches, and a fraction, five by eight,
Circumference; and fourteen ounces, weight.
Of Turkey Boxwood made, or Beech, these two ;
Beside, I know none other that would do.
XII.
For setting out the Hoops there are three ways.
Some this approve, some that, some t’other praise,
Who hold the one the other two condemn,
And, vice versa, are condemned by them.
To settle this there is no certain voice,
You buy your implements and take your choice.
Test every mode: whate’er you think the best
Straightway determine on ; and, tor the rest,
In this old rule the surest guide you ’ll find.
In non-essentials, have a liberal mind,
Let, in essentials, Unity prevail,
In all things, Charity: we yet may hail.
One of these summer days, though now too late.
An Act, whose object, it shall duly state,
Is for the Better Regulation and
Improvement of the Game throughout the land ;
“ Whereas ’’—away with legal phrase!—“ An Act
Of'Croquet Uniformity” hi fact.
XIII.
When six or eight are playing, then the clip
Is used: ’t is made of metal: with a nip
’T is fixed upon the hoop, through which you next
Are going: this decides the question vexed
As ta the player’s progress, stops all jangling,
One Croquet clip at once cuts short much wrangling;
So, ladies, I advise its use: but that
Will call for further notice. Verbum sat.
XIV.
Aid me, ye playful nymphs that flit around
The Pegs and Hoops of every Croquet Ground !
Ye gentle spirits do not mock, uor hlame
My humble efforts to describe the Game.
Eight’s the full complement of players : more
Than six is bad, I think; let two or four
Of equal skill for Croquet’s laurels fight.
This the best form of game. Say, am I right ?
Let Messrs. Robinson and Jones choose sides;
Miss Smith, Miss Brown ; perchance their future brides.
Events do happen strange as those we read,
And Croquet may to Hymen’s Altar lead.
Jones wins the Toss, and, cunning dog, forthwith
Takes for his partner blonde Miss Emmy Smith ;
While Robinson, who’d just begun to frown,
Looks happy and selects brunette Miss Brown.
On Emmy, Blue her partner’s care bestows,
And her with Yellow does Brunette oppose;
Jones chooses Green: two laugh : “he laughs who wins :
To Robinson the Red: and Red begins.
BARCELONIAN BOOBIES.
One has heard that musical fools are the greatest of all fools, and it
is hard to struggle against such evidence as this. Here is a bit from
the Musical World, and the story is inserted without a word ot com-
ment, and as if such idiotcies were the most natural and proper demon-
stration in the world. At Barcelona a piece of foolery has been perpe-
trated “ as a special mark of respect to Meyerbeer,” who, if he had
been alive and at all resembled his celebrated fellow-Hebrew, Men-
doza, would have made his special mark exactly between the eyes of
the blockhead who could get up such an affair. A sham monument was
erected on the stage, carpenters, redolent of garlick, of course, swearing
and quarrelling as they held it up :—
‘ Nine members of the company each bore a letter, surrounded by immortelles, ot
Meyerbekr’s name, which they fixed to the monument. On the latter lay the
scores of the celebrated composer’s three great masterpieces. They were crowned
with laurel by the members of the company, headed by the famous double-bassist,
Bottesini. The audience, in their enthusiasm, let loose upon the stage white doves
with black ribbons round, their necks, and it so happened that one of the doves
settled upon Bottesini’s wreath, just as Bottesini had. laid it down.”
How sweet! Let us hope that the dove was not from the pigeon-
house of Tobit. How pretty! What a pity that the bird aid not
settle on the fiddler’s head, when the “ enthusiasm ” might have been
still greater; for unless we can suppose that doves with ribbons on
them build in the Barcelona opera-boxes, to be ready when wanted,
the enthusiasm must have been rehearsed at the poulterers’ and milli-
ners’ shops. Well, we don’t want to be Pharisaical, and we own that
English mobs, gentle and simple, do behave ridiculously at times, but we
do not believe that grown-up English folk would do anything but roar
with laughter, if a sentimental manager attempted such tom-foolery.
On the other hand, we pay real homage to Meyerbeer, by regarding
his works as the great attraction of our Season. We wonder whether
one of those Barcelonian fribbles would pay a guinea to hear one of the |
“three great master-pieces?” We don’t believe it.
AMATEUR THEATRICALS.
DRAMATIS PERSONAS.
Cavalier ....... Mr. Muff.
Lovely Being.Miss Screech.
Stupid Prompter.By Himself.
Scene—A Dungeon. Cavalier about to rescue Young and Lovely
Being, or Young and Lovely Being about to rescue Cavalier.
It doesn't matter which, as the plot is somewhat intricate, and the
audience have lost the thread.
Cavalier. And so, dear Isabella.
[Looks at Isabella, expecting her to say something.
Isabella. Ah ! a—a—
[Looks earnestly at Mr. Muff, and nods, intimating that he has for-
gotten his part.
Cavalier. You—a—a—dear Isabella.
[Becomes confused. Indulgent audience apiplaud. Stupid Prompter
hearing this thinks everything is going on capitally, and shuts his
book.
Isabella (trying back in the dialogue'). The King will show you no
further mercy.
Cavalier (puzzled). No—that is—yes (sticking to his origbial point)—
dear Isabella (aside to Prompter, but aloud to audience) What’s the
word ? [Audience applaud.
Stupid Prompter. Eh ? What ? [Awkwardpause.
Cavalier. The word.
[More awkward pause. Isabella determines never to play with
Mr. Muee again.
Stupid Prompter (to himself). Where’s my spectacles? (finds them).
(Aside to Cavalier). What’s the page ?
[Cavalier anathematises Prompter. Confusion, Curtain falls.
Bnd of Act.
Beer.—What’s the difference between Bad Beer, Ginger Beer, and
Good Beer ?—Because they are respectively, All Slop, All Pop, and
AH-sop.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
CROQUET.
A Parenthesis.
An English-Erenehman, whom this pen respects,
Tells me that in my use of circumflex
Over the “e” in Croquet, as you see,
I am in no way authorised. (ISesprit
Of the French language asks for, I confess,
A circumflex when we omit an “ s.”)
My sole authority’s John Ja-ques ; so
1 give him up. Ask him; he ought to know.
x.
If you ’re a hand at Billiards, then you
Will choose a mallet as you would a cue •
The mallet should be made of Box or Ash,
All other kinds you may set down as trash;
Four shapes there are: howbeit, you will see
But one in constant use. Now this should be
So balanced, as to need but little strength,
And, on an average, three feet in length.
Sometimes the play demands a smartish rap,
Sometimes you will but give a gentle tap;
So that you can strike soft or hard with ease,
You’ll hold the mallet any way you please.
A coloured ring should every mallet note—
One blue, one red, ana so on, as in rote
Mark both the starting and the turning pegs.
Like varied garters on two wooden legs.
XI.
The Croquet Ball comes next; and this should be.
If made of English wood, formed from that tree
Which in our parks and forests may be found,
Whence sylvan ’Peckers draw a hollow sound.
But better far to bear the mallet’s knocks,
Are Croquet Balls turned out of Turkey-Box;
Three inches, and a fraction, five by eight,
Circumference; and fourteen ounces, weight.
Of Turkey Boxwood made, or Beech, these two ;
Beside, I know none other that would do.
XII.
For setting out the Hoops there are three ways.
Some this approve, some that, some t’other praise,
Who hold the one the other two condemn,
And, vice versa, are condemned by them.
To settle this there is no certain voice,
You buy your implements and take your choice.
Test every mode: whate’er you think the best
Straightway determine on ; and, tor the rest,
In this old rule the surest guide you ’ll find.
In non-essentials, have a liberal mind,
Let, in essentials, Unity prevail,
In all things, Charity: we yet may hail.
One of these summer days, though now too late.
An Act, whose object, it shall duly state,
Is for the Better Regulation and
Improvement of the Game throughout the land ;
“ Whereas ’’—away with legal phrase!—“ An Act
Of'Croquet Uniformity” hi fact.
XIII.
When six or eight are playing, then the clip
Is used: ’t is made of metal: with a nip
’T is fixed upon the hoop, through which you next
Are going: this decides the question vexed
As ta the player’s progress, stops all jangling,
One Croquet clip at once cuts short much wrangling;
So, ladies, I advise its use: but that
Will call for further notice. Verbum sat.
XIV.
Aid me, ye playful nymphs that flit around
The Pegs and Hoops of every Croquet Ground !
Ye gentle spirits do not mock, uor hlame
My humble efforts to describe the Game.
Eight’s the full complement of players : more
Than six is bad, I think; let two or four
Of equal skill for Croquet’s laurels fight.
This the best form of game. Say, am I right ?
Let Messrs. Robinson and Jones choose sides;
Miss Smith, Miss Brown ; perchance their future brides.
Events do happen strange as those we read,
And Croquet may to Hymen’s Altar lead.
Jones wins the Toss, and, cunning dog, forthwith
Takes for his partner blonde Miss Emmy Smith ;
While Robinson, who’d just begun to frown,
Looks happy and selects brunette Miss Brown.
On Emmy, Blue her partner’s care bestows,
And her with Yellow does Brunette oppose;
Jones chooses Green: two laugh : “he laughs who wins :
To Robinson the Red: and Red begins.
BARCELONIAN BOOBIES.
One has heard that musical fools are the greatest of all fools, and it
is hard to struggle against such evidence as this. Here is a bit from
the Musical World, and the story is inserted without a word ot com-
ment, and as if such idiotcies were the most natural and proper demon-
stration in the world. At Barcelona a piece of foolery has been perpe-
trated “ as a special mark of respect to Meyerbeer,” who, if he had
been alive and at all resembled his celebrated fellow-Hebrew, Men-
doza, would have made his special mark exactly between the eyes of
the blockhead who could get up such an affair. A sham monument was
erected on the stage, carpenters, redolent of garlick, of course, swearing
and quarrelling as they held it up :—
‘ Nine members of the company each bore a letter, surrounded by immortelles, ot
Meyerbekr’s name, which they fixed to the monument. On the latter lay the
scores of the celebrated composer’s three great masterpieces. They were crowned
with laurel by the members of the company, headed by the famous double-bassist,
Bottesini. The audience, in their enthusiasm, let loose upon the stage white doves
with black ribbons round, their necks, and it so happened that one of the doves
settled upon Bottesini’s wreath, just as Bottesini had. laid it down.”
How sweet! Let us hope that the dove was not from the pigeon-
house of Tobit. How pretty! What a pity that the bird aid not
settle on the fiddler’s head, when the “ enthusiasm ” might have been
still greater; for unless we can suppose that doves with ribbons on
them build in the Barcelona opera-boxes, to be ready when wanted,
the enthusiasm must have been rehearsed at the poulterers’ and milli-
ners’ shops. Well, we don’t want to be Pharisaical, and we own that
English mobs, gentle and simple, do behave ridiculously at times, but we
do not believe that grown-up English folk would do anything but roar
with laughter, if a sentimental manager attempted such tom-foolery.
On the other hand, we pay real homage to Meyerbeer, by regarding
his works as the great attraction of our Season. We wonder whether
one of those Barcelonian fribbles would pay a guinea to hear one of the |
“three great master-pieces?” We don’t believe it.
AMATEUR THEATRICALS.
DRAMATIS PERSONAS.
Cavalier ....... Mr. Muff.
Lovely Being.Miss Screech.
Stupid Prompter.By Himself.
Scene—A Dungeon. Cavalier about to rescue Young and Lovely
Being, or Young and Lovely Being about to rescue Cavalier.
It doesn't matter which, as the plot is somewhat intricate, and the
audience have lost the thread.
Cavalier. And so, dear Isabella.
[Looks at Isabella, expecting her to say something.
Isabella. Ah ! a—a—
[Looks earnestly at Mr. Muff, and nods, intimating that he has for-
gotten his part.
Cavalier. You—a—a—dear Isabella.
[Becomes confused. Indulgent audience apiplaud. Stupid Prompter
hearing this thinks everything is going on capitally, and shuts his
book.
Isabella (trying back in the dialogue'). The King will show you no
further mercy.
Cavalier (puzzled). No—that is—yes (sticking to his origbial point)—
dear Isabella (aside to Prompter, but aloud to audience) What’s the
word ? [Audience applaud.
Stupid Prompter. Eh ? What ? [Awkwardpause.
Cavalier. The word.
[More awkward pause. Isabella determines never to play with
Mr. Muee again.
Stupid Prompter (to himself). Where’s my spectacles? (finds them).
(Aside to Cavalier). What’s the page ?
[Cavalier anathematises Prompter. Confusion, Curtain falls.
Bnd of Act.
Beer.—What’s the difference between Bad Beer, Ginger Beer, and
Good Beer ?—Because they are respectively, All Slop, All Pop, and
AH-sop.