Punch (47.1864)

52

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 6. 1864.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

oyal Assent was

GIVEN TO THE

Street Music-Nui-
sance Bill, hence-
forth the Anti-
Grinders’ Act, or
Monday, July 25th.

The same ceremony
was performed upon
several other mea-
sures, of no import-
ance, and upon seve-
ral tons of Railway
Bills, and we hope
that somebody is
looking after Mr.
Bradshaw, who
may reasonably be
driven out of his
wits by the prospect
of the interpolations
he will be called
upon to insert in his
interesting and ex-
citing little work. (
The Lords for
warded a Bill for the,
New Zealand Loan,
but Lord Malmes-
bury thought that
the Colonists ought
to do their own fight-
ing, and that the
War was an unjust
and unholy one. So
thought Lord Lyve-
den, formerly Vernon Smith. The Duke op Cambridge denied
that our troops felt disgust at the War, and declared that they were
only too happy to kill anybody and everybody whom they might be
instructed to slay. Lord Ellenborough believed that the Colony
would not be able to meet its pecuniary engagements.

The Commons talked miscellaneously. Lord Palmerston utterly
declined to attempt any mediation in America. The Port ideations Bill
passed after a debate, in which Lord Hartington stated that the
country was by no means in a “deplorable” condition in regard to
ordnance. We are glad to hear it, but only the other day the Duke op
Somerset asserted that we had no good broadside gun. A Bill for
sending out raw and half-taught medical officers to India was rejected,
which was well, but it is not so well that the Army is medically officered,
to a great extent, by such persons, because men of talent will not enter
a service in which they are ill-treated.

The Bill for providing relief for the Casual Poor of London went
through Committee, and was afterwards hastened through the Lords
and passed; so that there is reason to hope that we shall be spared
many painful and shameful scenes with which men who walk the streets
on winter nights have been unhappily familiar.

Moreover, the Commons set themselves against the Bill for the Sur-
render of Criminals between us and Prussia, inasmuch as we know
what despots mean by criminals, and we are not going to be entrapped
into a treaty to hand over refugees. Government had to withdraw the
Bill. The Germans will say that this opposition arose from the ill-
feeling generated by the Danish War, in which case the Germans will
say that which is untrue.

The House rescinded the Vote that turned Bob Lowe out of office.
Now, he had better rescind his resignation. It was clearly shown that
he had not done anything dishonourable. It was by no means so clear
that his enemies had not.

Mr. Layard said that we could do nothing more for the Circassians,
whom the Russians have expelled, with their usual barbarous fidelity
to a policy of acquisition. The brave mountaineers and their long rifles
will be missed on a day when they might have rendered good service.

Tuesday and Wednesday. Routine and flat talk. We except a clever
but awfully- bumptious speech from Lord Ellenborough, who retains
the old-fashioned idea that Britannia rules, not only the waves, but
all the shores they wash.

Thursday. The Lords, but not in their Parliamentary capacity, de-
cided that Mrs. Longwortii Yelverton was not the lawful wife of
Major Yelverton. The Lord Chancellor and the (absent) Lord
Brougham considered that she was, but the Lords Wensleydale,
Chelmspord, and Kingsdown, (olim Parke, Thesiger, and Pember-
ton-Leigh respectively) were the adverse majority. Deducting the
value of the chance ot being Lady Avonmore, one would say that

there was every reason to congratulate the lady on not being linked to
the Major.

Lord Edward Howard was pathetic about the foolish fellows who
go to America and are trapped for the Eederal service. We imagine
that the number is really rather small, but it is well that emigrants
should be warned. Mr. Peter Alfred Taylor, the emphatic
Radical Member for Leicester, took an opportunity of declaring that
the Eederals were resolved to put down Slavery, and had the power to
do so. With the Confederates ravaging Maryland and throwing
Washington and New York into consternation, the declaration seemed
a little ill-timed. Peter had better go down to his constituents and
blow them up well for being such ruffians as to tear Mr. Coxwell’s
balloon to pieces and nearly murder him, because they thought his
ascent was not to take place. Their treatment of the balloon was the
more surprising, because folks who return a Peter Taylor must be
rather partial to a Wind-bag.

Friday was. Punch is happy to say, the last day of a do-nothing
Session.

The Royal Speech was read by Lord West bury. It was a curious
one. We cannot help thinking that somebody had c‘ chaffed ” Lord
Palmerston, and tola him that there was nothing out of which to
make a speech, and that he had jauntily replied, “ Bet yon we make a
longer speech than usual,” and thereupon had ordered a vast quantity
of extra “ padding.” On the principle on which the Address was
framed, it might indeed have been made twice as long and a great deal
more amusing, though every conceivable Parliamentary topic was
crammed into it. We venture, in order to make this narrative readable,
to show both what was said, and what, had the gossiping principle
been a little more brilliantly carried out, might have been said in the
Speech.

You can go, and the Queen is very much obliged by your assiduity.
The weather has been uncommonly hot lately, and Her Majesty sup-
poses that you have done a good deal in the way of cup and other cool
drinks.

Very sorry we could not make peace between Denmark and Ger-
many, but hope that it will soon be made. Rather a funny picture in
the Charivari, representing England, with the usual prominent teeth,
saying that she was true to the memory of Nelson, and would not
insult him by preventing the bombardment of Copenhagen.

We have got rid of the Ionians, and hope that the Greeks will like
them. Ionia reminds one of the Iona, and a beautiful boat she is, and
if any of yon are going to Scotland for the recess, you can’t do better
than get aboard her at Greenock, and steam up through the lovely
scenery of the Clyde. Her salmon cutlets are also lovely.

We are on good terms with China. The prices which china fetches
at Christie and Manson’s are perfectly astonishing—people must be
cracked, as well as the saucers they buy.

Have patched up matters between the Hospodar of Moldo-Wallachia
and the Sultan. If you are visiting Constantinople, you will of course
go to the Mosque of St. Sophia, and do not forget to buy a handful of
those pretty coloured glass cubes that your guides scratch out of the
great mosaics.

We regret that Eederals and Confederates are still fighting. By the
way, New York seems to have been a good deal riled, because the
Deerhound did not hand over the Confederates whom she saved from
drowning; but why don’t the Yankees abuse Louis Napoleon for not
giving up those who escaped to Cherbourg ?

Very much obliged to the Commons for the money voted. The rex
pecuniarum, as Paul Bedford calls it in his entertaining book, is
something that even a Regina can’t do without. I believe you, my
liberal and munificent ones.

Lancashire distress has diminished, and we trust that the raw ma-
terial of industry will be extracted from countries that have hitherto
furnished it scantily. This means Cotton from India, and elsewhere;
but talking of that, we have not settled that Sir Sydney Cotton is to
be the new Indian Commander, although he is seventy-three, or so, and
therefore, of course, the fittest man for the place.

New Zealand is not quieted. But only a part of the natives are in
revolt. It is to be hoped that among those who will be finally oblite-
rated will be Lord Macaulay’s eternal New Zealander, who is now
becoming a nuisance of which the police should take notice.

Our East Indian possessions are developing their resources, and the
people there are generally content. _ Grant Duff was abominably rude
to Charley Wood, about his inarticulate budget, and deserves to be
called Grant Duffer.

The Assent has been given to many measures of public usefulness.
Did you see that one of the public usefulnesses, the shutting public-
houses after one in the morning, produced a maiden assize at Bow
Street next day ? But we must not be proud, because that is wrong.

The new Eactory Act will be beneficial to women and children. And
if you ’ll excuse the joke, the new Malefaetory Act, for wallopping
garotters, will also be beneficial to women and children by protecting
their protectors from murderous attacks.

The new Assurance Act will benefit the working classes. The As-
surance displayed by the opponents of the measure, and by the officials