Punch (47.1864)

266

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 31, 1864.

note from a cookoo.

THE COLENSO CASE.

pERTAIN LY tile following
1 advertisement deserves at-
tention :—

X\TANTED, for a County
• ' Lunatic Asylum, a MAN
COOK, wages £65; a Woman
Cook, wages about £25; also
several Laundi-ymaids or
Washers, wages £14, with all
found.

and it seems to have at-
tracted the attention of our
Colwell Hatcbney corre-
spondent. He has sent us
the following communica-
tion to be laid before the
proper authorities:—

Sirs,--Your Petitioner is
a Man Cook, and likes the
occupation, having had ex-
perience in the kitchens of
the King of the Cannibal
Islands and other magni-
ficoes. He can also be a
woman cook: can join in
a glee, and wages no object, if paid regularly. He will cook also
several laundry-maids and washers,_ if they are, as the advertise-
ment states, all found. Your Petitioner begs to submit to your
•Honourable House and others, a sketch of a Banquet arranged by
the humble Petitioner for the Lord Mayor’s "Day, which honourable
Banquet sheweth, &c., &c., &c. Here, if you please, is the—

ORDER OF THE BANQUET.

The Third Course.—Pumpkandles rampant, with a Bar-sinister stewed.
Gules in the corner crying.

The First Course.—Mutton, by mistake. During this the band, from
the nearest footman’s hat, will play a morsel.

Second Dish.—Nothing, with a cover ove” it.

Side Dishes to be eaten in silence under the table. Lights out, and
all hands tied. Speeches not admitted aftex seven. Ghosts in bonnets
not allowed on the hearthrug. The Sauce piquante for this dish must
be, boat and all, forced down the throat of the hireling Greengrocer.

Fifth Dish.—Jack Puddings. PKections for eating; open your
mouth, shut your eyes, and see what you’ll get. Hands across, and
return to your places.

Pntremets.— Black beetles in chains. Hot spectacles fresh from
Vesuvius. Custards (heard outside).

To follow.—The Original Bones.

Piece of Resistance.— Struggle with the butler who brings in the
beef. Upset the gravy. Give no quarter! Down with him even to
the dust (if any)! Coalscuttle him, and when firmly seated, recite to
him in an undertone the homily on the repairing and keeping clean of
churches. Let him move if he dare.

The Vegetables will of course be under the able direction of Mr.
Alfred Mellon.

Dessert.—Great attention has been paid to this department; so there
will not be any.

No expense has been spared to render this repast the most perfect
of its kind ever yet witnessed, out of metropolitan and the surround-
ing districts {hear, hear!), and if the Statues of the Metropolis {ironical
cheers) will but smile upon our endeavours {tumultuous applause, which
was quelled by a gentleman insisting upon giving his name and
address), then I may safely say {hisses and groans) that {what?) Box
and Cox are satisfied. {Question! Uproar, during ichich the Rhino-
ceros, having finished shaving, left the room.)

And your Petitioner will, as he said bemre, ever pray, except when
doing something else, &c., &c., and begs, in accordance with a time-
honoured custom, to sign himself O E D

Seasonable Sentiment.

Let Charity reign supreme from the twenty-fifth of December,
and let all party-feeling be dropped, except a Christmas-party feeling,
very jolly, good-natured, and happy.

VO MORE QUACK MEDICINE. Punch's Almanack will cure the
L ' Gout, the Cholic, and the Phthisic ; and for Nervousness, Low Spirits, Indi-
gestion, Ague, Asthma, Cramp, Blue Devils, and Rheumatism it is generally allowed
tc be the very best of physic. So buy no more quack brain pills, or other useless
medicines ; but consult good Doctor Punch, and purchase his all-curing Almanack,
which has given relief to Thousands upon Thousands of poor sufferers, and wili
prove a priceless boon to many a million more.

{N.B.—During the hearing of this case the galleries have been
thronged by Tadies.)

Scene — Drawing-room in Mrs. Coddle’s house. Time, four f clock.
The Rev. Nathaniel Pamby, a young Curate from the Country,
has just dropped in to partake of “ the cup that cheers.”

Mrs. Coddle {using, a hand-screen). As you say, Mr. Pamby, this
Bishop Colenso affair is a very serious matter.

The Rev. Pamby {staring at the fire vacantly). Yes. It’s a—e x—{sud-
denly)—I haven’t seen the papers for a day or two. I should like to
hear the arguments on either side. {Ruminating on toast.) Most
im-port-ant.

Mrs. Coddle. Ah ! it’s so interesting. You ought to read it. And—
{inspired)—oh! Mr. Pamby, now you’re here, 1 must ask you, what is
the whole state of the case?

Rev. Mr. Pamby {rather taken aback). The Colenso case ?

Mrs. Coddle. Yes. Of course I know he wrote books about the—
the—{means “ the Pentateuchbut isn’t quite decided as to the pro-
nunciation).

Rev. Mr. Pamby {coming to the rescue, and asserting his superiority).
The Pentateuch ?

Mrs. Coddle {much relieved—gratefidly). Yes, that’s it. {Doesn’t
trust herself with the word)

Rev. Mr. Pamby. Well—er—you see it’s a long and somewhat intri-
cate matter; one, perhaps, that would hardly—er—bear—{ivanders, but

refreshes his intellect with a sip of tea)—well, the point is this-

[Servant enters, and announces “ Mrs. Muddle.” After the usual
greetings, and the necessary introduction, the conversation is thus
continued—

Mrs. Muddle. I am so tired ! I’ve been in Court all day.

Mrs. Coddle. In Court ?

Mrs. Muddle. Yes, bearing the case which of course interests you,

Mr.--(is going to say “Danby,” but checks herself, and confesses her

ignorance). 1 beg your pardon {turning to Mrs. Coddle), I didn’t quite
catch the-

Rev. Mr. Pamby {humbly and meekly). Pamby.

Mrs. Muddle. Mr. Pamby—(the Reverend gentleman bows smilingly)—
of course it interests you ?

Mrs. Coddle. Mr. Pamby was just telling me, my dear, as you came
in, the whole point of the case.

Rev. Mr. Pamby {waiving his right to be heard). But you. Madam,
have just come from, it, and so of course are better able to—to-

Mrs. Muddle. I’ve followed it closely in what they call an official
capacity.

Mrs. Coddle. Official, my dear-

Mrs. Muddle. Yes; I’m sure Mr.—Mr.—(gives it up, and substi-
tutes a form)—this gentleman will keep my confidence. {The Reverend
gentleman intimates by something between a smile and a snort, that he’s
ready for anything in the way of feminine confidences.) Well, 1 ’m report-
ing the case for the Pcclesiastical Pnglishwoman’s Anglican Weekly
Journal, and here {producing pocket-book) are my notes.

Mrs. Coddle. Oh, do let’s hear them.

Rev. Mr. Pamby. I should so like, if it would uot be too much
trouble-

Mrs. Muddle {making a show of reluctance). Ah, it will be boring you.

Mrs. Coddle. Boring, my dear ! I was only just saying, as you came
in, that, &c., &c.

Mrs. Ramby. Yes, we were only just saying, &c. {Joins in the duet,
and corroborates Mrs. Coddle’s statement).

Mrs. Muddle. Well, then, the case is this. {Refers to her notes.)

First, the Bishop-oh no, I won’t begin with that. No—you must

know that the Archbishop of—or, rather, I should say, to make it
clearer, for it is a little difficult to make you understand the whole case
at once {her friends nod approvingly, and smile encouragingly)—yes—
well, you see, the Bishop of Cape Town held a Synod with two others
and one who hadn’t anything to do with the place, and they deposed
Dr. Gray—no, I mean Dr. Colenso, who’s the Bishop of Natal; and
then when a Suffering Bishop (Rev. Mr. Pamby thinks that she means
“ Suffragan” perhaps) is sent away, he has a right to appeal to the
Crown in Council, at least the question is, whether there was a Patent-
yes, a patent, you know, or president—{refers to her notes)—no {spelling
the notes) a p-r-e—it’s half rubbed out—no, precedent. And Sib
Hugh Cairns says that there was a Lucy (he didn’t mention the sur-
name) who quarrelled with the Bishop of St. David’s. 1 couldn’t
exactly catch whether Lucy was his wife, or not, or any relation to
Dr. Colenso, but they all said it was of great importance; but of
course the position of the Church in the Colonies is the chief thing to
be considered.

Mrs. Coddle {sagely). Ah!

(Rev. Mr. Pamby says “Ah!” too, and thinks he ought to get the
subject up thoroughly.)

Mrs. Muddle. Oh, it’s most interesting. You see the Queen w