Punch (49.1865)

54

[August 12, 1865,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE GUIDE TO BRADSHAW.

upon, their safety, and the admirable precautions taken against the
dangers of locomotion, by the Directors of the different Companies.



CHAPTER II.—(Continued).

Some mystics, failing in every endeavour
to apply Bradshaw practically, would
have it to be an allegory, a modern
Pilgrim's Progress; a guide to a Wan-
dering Christian, to be printed at the
Press of one Faithfuld. To which
opinion we make the famous monosyllabic
reply, uttered by the Turkish Sultan
Mahommed Hafez, to Zulema the
faithless favourite, “ Bosh ! ” On which
an intelligent eunuch filled up the cup
of her misery with genuine Sack, and
pitched her into the Bosh-phorus.

Talking of Sultans, reminds us of Blue
Beard, the mention of Blue Beard re-
calls Fatima, and the name of Fatima
brings us, by all that’s blue, including
Stockings and Horse Guards, to the
Key.

Of course we mean the Key to Bradshaw. This Key consists of a
number of separate notes, each having its own value, and in it you will
also find reference made to a Scale of charges. You will notice too
that all the observations therein are perfectly natural, none of the jokes
flat, and most of the remarks sharp.

1. “The first thirty-two
pages,” he informs us, “ are
advertisements.” This is
his gratuitous fun ; the in-
formation is scarcely need-
ed. We shall have a word
or two to say on this sub-
ject by-and-by.

2. “The Map shows all
the Railways open.” He
probably means all the carriages open. By the way, if Bradshaw’s
Key would only unlock the doors of the compartments, no Traveller
ought to be without it. Note that.

THICK FIGURES REFERRING TO THE PAGE.

3. “ The. Thick Figures refer to the page on which the trains of the par-
ticular lines to which they are attached may be found.” Don’t bother
yourself as to his precise meaning; you’ll soon get accustomed to his
quaint mode of expression.

Observe’tis only the Thick figures who refer to the Page; so,
whoever lays claim to ordinary sharpness will not trouble himself about
this performance.

Note further, Bradshaw’s caution '. whatever is the subject of the
above direction “ may be found?' not will be found in such and such a
place.

If the Oracle at Delphi was not an ancestor of Bradshaw, we’re
Dutchmen, and you ladies, if English, are Duchesses.

Then follows a jest about the Index, which he pretends is contained in
Bradshaw. But everyone knows that the Index is published in Rome,
and by the way, perhaps, Bradshaw figures in the List of expur-
gated Books; in which case the Index contained in Bradshaw would
be a ‘1 skit ” upon the Papal Compilation, and herein is an example of his
satiric vein.

4. Contents— Under this head comes everyone who is pleased with
Bradshaw, and all the shareholders who are receiving handsome
dividends.

Non-Co?itents are not mentioned; but we’ve an idea that it would
include the Queen, the Royal Eamily, both Houses of Parliament, and
all travellers who are so perfectly satisfied with the tender care bestowed

BRADSHAW BEING PLACED ON THE INDEX BY RAILWAY BELL, BOOK AND CANDLE.

The Male-Contents are always quiet and respectful in the presence
of the Eemale-Contents of the Train, and to the latter every attention
will be paid by the Poliowers of Bradshaw.

5. Time Tables.—-Herein Bradshaw revels. In treating, however,
of the starting of Trains, he has omitted to propose any line of conduct
to be adopted by passengers, whose Trains do not start for some time,

: or whose Trains have started without them, which comes to much the
same thing. Of this, and divers other matters, we shall treat, by way,
as we before said, of Complement to Bradshaw. We shall have a word
to say for Dinner-time Tables, Luncheon-time Tables, and what is most
important RefreshmentXvcm Tables. These will, it is most likely, have
some connection with Mahogany, except on the Dover line, where we
shall have to speak of Deal Time Tables.

6. Fares.—“ In the occasional absence of these,” says the wag, “ an
approximation may be obtained,” &c. Here is all the fun of the Pares
for you ! But of course every one except the “ Thick Figures ” will
see through the double meaning. The “ occasional absence of Fairs”
(read thus) can only occur in a Male Train. The “ approximation ”
spoken of, is probably when you get out for a spoonful of hot soup, and
a few minutes’ brilliant conversation with the attendant Fairies of
Swindon, Cambridge, Rugby, or Peterborough.

7. The sum of this note is that Thick Lines are not Thin Lines; that
the former mean one thing, the latter another thing, and both nothing
in particular. “ That’s the humour of it.” The true meaning under-
lies this current of words, and what is the use of our Key to the Key

| if it does not assist the otherwise superficial observer ? This is it:—

| Tourists who are going on fishing excursions, will use “ thick lines ” or
“thin lines ” according as their destination is the sea or the river.

8. Lndentions.—“ Those Stations which have an indention on the left,
hand are branches showing that travellers in going from London to
Dover, do not pass through any of those places haviug indentions except
at the point of junction." That is, you never pass through a place having
indentions except when you do.

“ To indent,” signifies “ To cut in the shape of teeth,” and therefore
“ indentions ” mean “ cuttings in the shape of teeth.” “ To indent ”

(is also a law term, from which is derived “indentures.” Commentators
are of opinion that here the d is a misprint for t, and that the note
should have followed No. 6 on Pares or Pairs, where the question as to
Intentions would have come in most appropriately. Such a literal
mistake is rendered all the more probable by the fact that D stands for
dinner, and therefore might without much difficulty have been mistaken
for the next thing to it—a T. There is confessedly some obscurity in
the text.

9. Bark Lines.—Those in embryo; those about whose arrangements
there is some confusion; projected lines; and lines, like the Metro-
politan Underground, or the Great Northern over ground, which, for
several miles, journey through tunnels.

N.B. Travelling on an over-ground railway must be always very sharp
work. Again, under-ground officials must be excused for their blunt-
ness.

10. Bold Figures “ opposite Stations refer to other lines,” &c. Of
course it does require some audacity to go to a Station that is in oppo-
sition to another Station, and refer the passengers to other lines.
Bradshaw would also include under the head of Bold Figures, that
large body of men whose business it is to creep under the wheels with
oil-cans, run about on the carriage tops, and so forth.

11. Shunts.—To shunt, is a verb derived from some Latin one, or
rather from the Latin one, sum. When the Romans invaded Judaea,
the ancient people gradually came to use the language of the conquerors,
and. as is their custom, introduced the letter * after the initial, medial.