DOI issue:
August 12, 1865
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16876#0067
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
5o
August 12, 1865.
or final s. Thus, sum, es, est, became shum, esh, esht, and the plural
shumus, eshtis, shunt. This last, signifying a change, came gradually
into modern use. Now, in this note we fall upon a grim jest, for which
we cannot praise our otherwise estimable writer. He says:—“ The
Train leaving London at 6.50 a.m., runs only to Watford; but, by the
train being shunted at this station into the next train, he (the traveller)
is enabled to pursue his journey onward to Stafford or Liverpool.” We
have quoted verbatim. Gracious ! here is a direction, taken perhaps
from some manuscript work, some unpublished Chapter of Accidents.
Here is “How to do it” with a vengeance! “Shunt one train into
the next train,” says Bradshaw, quietly, “ and the traveller is enabled
to pursue his journey,” &c. Aye ! but how ? On foot ? And won’t an
action, or several actions, for due compensation lie against the Company P
Of course. Let us sincerely hope that in all future editions the blot
upon the well-known humanity of Bradshaw may be erased.
12. Wave Lines /wxrwx^,—This is B.’s hieroglyphic, and here is
our explanation
Under this head should also come
No. 14. Wave Rules See Bradshaw, p. 21, by which
hieroglyphic Bradshaw signifies that he is a loyal Englishman, and :
that Britons never, never, ne-ver sha-a-all be slaves.
13. Dotted Lines.—The epithet alludes to their appearance from any
elevated situation, as, for instance, from the top of St. Paul’s, from a
balloon, the Monument, Primrose Hill, or the Wellington Statue.
From any of these positions the Railways appear mere dots, or, we
may more correctly say, “mere specs”—and disastrous specs, too,
sometimes.
15. Branch Lines.—To proceed from a Branch Line to a Station on j
the Main Line (this is the substance of Bradshaw’s note) lying in an i
opposite direction (italicised in Bradshaw), the following is all that is
required :—
Bxample.—From Maidstone to Dover.
This is so simple that no explanation is needed.
TAXES MADE EASY.
My dear Mr. Punch,
Will you publish the following correspondence P It really
seems to me that I get the best of it, and at all events, that there was
no excuse for Mr. Gladstone’s asperity.
Yours, very sincerely,
Mildmay Diddleton,
Mr. Bunch. (Late of the Army).
i.
Myself to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Dear Sir,—Allow me to congratulate you upon your election for
South Lancashire. It would have been a matter of much regret to me
had a gentleman of your ability been excluded from the Senate.
I write, however, chiefly for another purpose. I have noticed for
some years, and with great pleasure, that you are kind enough to receive
Income-Tax, in the lump, at whatever time the payers like to send it,
and that you politely acknowledge the same in the columns of the
leading journal.
It is very disagreeable to me to be waited on, as at present, by a
coarse-minded and conceited Collector, who is vulgarly peremptory.
It is also inconvenient to me to pay the Income-Tax at all. Hereafter,
when I shall have accumulated a fortune, I shall not object to con-
tributing to the burdens of the State.
I have therefore to request your official concurrence in my present
proposition. If you will kindly order the Collector for our district, (I
enclose his card—I have a pack of them) to discontinue all applications
to me, I will undertake, at my own time, to forward to yourself (or
should you be Premier, as we all expect) to your successor, the entire
sum which may then be due from me, under initials to be agreed upon
between us. I assure you that my Conscience will prevent my neglect-
ing my duty, or my tax, and that the State will be no loser.
In the hope of hearing from you, assentingly, and with the addition
of congratulations on the election of your talented son at Chester,
I am, dear Sir, your obedient Servant,
Mildmay Diddleton,
Right Hon. Mr. Gladstone. (Late of the Army).
ii.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer to Myself.
Sir,—I do not know what business my election or my Son’s is of yours;
and as I am not Premier, but Chancellor of the Exchequer, it is my
duty to say that I have more confidence in the immediate exertions of
the Collector for your district than in your compliance, at some unas-
signed date, with the dictates of Conscience. He is instructed accord-
ingly, and you have three courses before you—to pay, to abscond, or to
be sold up. I respectfully recommend the first, and am
Sir, yours obediently,
Mr. M. Diddleton, W. E. Gladstone.
(Late of the Army).
P.S. The House of Commons is not a Senate.
hi.
Myself to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Sir,—It is my duty as an Englishman, to inform Her Majesty’s
Government that I have adopted the second alternative, and I consider
your letter as absolving me from all liability in respect of the Income
and all other Taxes, present or future. When will rulers be wise ?
Your obedient Servant,
Mr. W. E. Gladstone. Mildmay Diddleton.
(Late of the Army.)
HOMCEOPATHIC medicine and surgery.
Sir,
The other day you allowed an idiot to state in your columns
that reason and not faith ought to decide in questions of medical science.
That is as much as to say, that medical science is founded on reason;
whereas it is founded on experience.
Experience is the basis of homoeopathy; as is plain from the fact,
that homoeopathy is rejected by ail men of eminence in the medical
profession, whilst it is supported by such men as the late Archbishop
Whately, an eminent logician.
To demonstrate the efficiency of infinitesimal doses, I need only say
that force is force whether in physic or physics. As an infinitesimal
dose of physic will arrest acute inflammation, so an infinitesimal quantity
of physical force, properly applied, will reduce a dislocation. I am
ready to produce a hundred proofs of this assertion, on affidavit if
necessary, and am, Sir,
Your obedient Servant,'
Hoaxham, August, 1865. Veritas.
Bad Taste in. a Blaze.
Crinoline has been said to be going out, but it always was going
out ever since its invention. It has kept going out till it attained those
extreme dimensions which may be described as out-and-out. Doubtless
it has gone out of fashion amongst real ladies, but it is still as much in
vogue as ever with vulgar women. As far a.s they are concerned it has
not gone out, except in those cases wherein it caught fire, and could
not be put out. Then it has gone out leaving the wearer burnt more
or less nearly to a cinder. Her remains, what quantity of them there
was, have then been sat upon by a Coroner’s Jury, that has commonly
returned a verdict of Accidental Death by Fire; which is physically
true, but morally incomplete. A better verdict in such a case would
be, Accidental Death by Folly.
A question for the zoological society.
Is there any reason why a Vestryman who apes the public Orator in
speaking may not be regarded as a sort of Harangue-Outang ?
5o
August 12, 1865.
or final s. Thus, sum, es, est, became shum, esh, esht, and the plural
shumus, eshtis, shunt. This last, signifying a change, came gradually
into modern use. Now, in this note we fall upon a grim jest, for which
we cannot praise our otherwise estimable writer. He says:—“ The
Train leaving London at 6.50 a.m., runs only to Watford; but, by the
train being shunted at this station into the next train, he (the traveller)
is enabled to pursue his journey onward to Stafford or Liverpool.” We
have quoted verbatim. Gracious ! here is a direction, taken perhaps
from some manuscript work, some unpublished Chapter of Accidents.
Here is “How to do it” with a vengeance! “Shunt one train into
the next train,” says Bradshaw, quietly, “ and the traveller is enabled
to pursue his journey,” &c. Aye ! but how ? On foot ? And won’t an
action, or several actions, for due compensation lie against the Company P
Of course. Let us sincerely hope that in all future editions the blot
upon the well-known humanity of Bradshaw may be erased.
12. Wave Lines /wxrwx^,—This is B.’s hieroglyphic, and here is
our explanation
Under this head should also come
No. 14. Wave Rules See Bradshaw, p. 21, by which
hieroglyphic Bradshaw signifies that he is a loyal Englishman, and :
that Britons never, never, ne-ver sha-a-all be slaves.
13. Dotted Lines.—The epithet alludes to their appearance from any
elevated situation, as, for instance, from the top of St. Paul’s, from a
balloon, the Monument, Primrose Hill, or the Wellington Statue.
From any of these positions the Railways appear mere dots, or, we
may more correctly say, “mere specs”—and disastrous specs, too,
sometimes.
15. Branch Lines.—To proceed from a Branch Line to a Station on j
the Main Line (this is the substance of Bradshaw’s note) lying in an i
opposite direction (italicised in Bradshaw), the following is all that is
required :—
Bxample.—From Maidstone to Dover.
This is so simple that no explanation is needed.
TAXES MADE EASY.
My dear Mr. Punch,
Will you publish the following correspondence P It really
seems to me that I get the best of it, and at all events, that there was
no excuse for Mr. Gladstone’s asperity.
Yours, very sincerely,
Mildmay Diddleton,
Mr. Bunch. (Late of the Army).
i.
Myself to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Dear Sir,—Allow me to congratulate you upon your election for
South Lancashire. It would have been a matter of much regret to me
had a gentleman of your ability been excluded from the Senate.
I write, however, chiefly for another purpose. I have noticed for
some years, and with great pleasure, that you are kind enough to receive
Income-Tax, in the lump, at whatever time the payers like to send it,
and that you politely acknowledge the same in the columns of the
leading journal.
It is very disagreeable to me to be waited on, as at present, by a
coarse-minded and conceited Collector, who is vulgarly peremptory.
It is also inconvenient to me to pay the Income-Tax at all. Hereafter,
when I shall have accumulated a fortune, I shall not object to con-
tributing to the burdens of the State.
I have therefore to request your official concurrence in my present
proposition. If you will kindly order the Collector for our district, (I
enclose his card—I have a pack of them) to discontinue all applications
to me, I will undertake, at my own time, to forward to yourself (or
should you be Premier, as we all expect) to your successor, the entire
sum which may then be due from me, under initials to be agreed upon
between us. I assure you that my Conscience will prevent my neglect-
ing my duty, or my tax, and that the State will be no loser.
In the hope of hearing from you, assentingly, and with the addition
of congratulations on the election of your talented son at Chester,
I am, dear Sir, your obedient Servant,
Mildmay Diddleton,
Right Hon. Mr. Gladstone. (Late of the Army).
ii.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer to Myself.
Sir,—I do not know what business my election or my Son’s is of yours;
and as I am not Premier, but Chancellor of the Exchequer, it is my
duty to say that I have more confidence in the immediate exertions of
the Collector for your district than in your compliance, at some unas-
signed date, with the dictates of Conscience. He is instructed accord-
ingly, and you have three courses before you—to pay, to abscond, or to
be sold up. I respectfully recommend the first, and am
Sir, yours obediently,
Mr. M. Diddleton, W. E. Gladstone.
(Late of the Army).
P.S. The House of Commons is not a Senate.
hi.
Myself to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Sir,—It is my duty as an Englishman, to inform Her Majesty’s
Government that I have adopted the second alternative, and I consider
your letter as absolving me from all liability in respect of the Income
and all other Taxes, present or future. When will rulers be wise ?
Your obedient Servant,
Mr. W. E. Gladstone. Mildmay Diddleton.
(Late of the Army.)
HOMCEOPATHIC medicine and surgery.
Sir,
The other day you allowed an idiot to state in your columns
that reason and not faith ought to decide in questions of medical science.
That is as much as to say, that medical science is founded on reason;
whereas it is founded on experience.
Experience is the basis of homoeopathy; as is plain from the fact,
that homoeopathy is rejected by ail men of eminence in the medical
profession, whilst it is supported by such men as the late Archbishop
Whately, an eminent logician.
To demonstrate the efficiency of infinitesimal doses, I need only say
that force is force whether in physic or physics. As an infinitesimal
dose of physic will arrest acute inflammation, so an infinitesimal quantity
of physical force, properly applied, will reduce a dislocation. I am
ready to produce a hundred proofs of this assertion, on affidavit if
necessary, and am, Sir,
Your obedient Servant,'
Hoaxham, August, 1865. Veritas.
Bad Taste in. a Blaze.
Crinoline has been said to be going out, but it always was going
out ever since its invention. It has kept going out till it attained those
extreme dimensions which may be described as out-and-out. Doubtless
it has gone out of fashion amongst real ladies, but it is still as much in
vogue as ever with vulgar women. As far a.s they are concerned it has
not gone out, except in those cases wherein it caught fire, and could
not be put out. Then it has gone out leaving the wearer burnt more
or less nearly to a cinder. Her remains, what quantity of them there
was, have then been sat upon by a Coroner’s Jury, that has commonly
returned a verdict of Accidental Death by Fire; which is physically
true, but morally incomplete. A better verdict in such a case would
be, Accidental Death by Folly.
A question for the zoological society.
Is there any reason why a Vestryman who apes the public Orator in
speaking may not be regarded as a sort of Harangue-Outang ?