DOI issue:
August 26, 1865
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16876#0087
August 26, 1865.] PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
75
THE PLEA OF DRUNKENNESS.
From the Police Reports.
illlam Jones was
charged with hav-
ing set fire to
Westminster Ab-
bey on the 5th ult.,
and thus caused
the conflagration
in which that fa-
mous edifice pe-
rished.
The prisoner
said that he was
drunk, and knew
nothing about it.
The worthy Ma-
gistrate said, that
though he could
hardly call intoxi-
cation an excuse,
he should be
ashamed to deal
with a drunken
man as if he had
been sober. He
hoped that the
having beenlocked
up all night would
be a caution to
the prisoner not
down any more public buildings, and discharged him.
James Brown was charged with having scuttled the Gravesend
steamer Periwinkle, when full of passengers, on Sunday. The boat
sank, but the majority of the passengers were saved.
The prisoner said that some friends had treated him, and he hardly
knew what he was about.
The worthy Magistrate said that the fault was more that of the
prisoner’s friends than his own, and as not many persons had been
drowned, he would only hold the prisoner to bail, in his own recog- j
nisances, not to do it again.
William Buggins was charged with having laid a large log across
the Great Eastern Railway, in order to overturn the express train. By
some accident a look-out was kept, and the train was stopped.
The prisoner said that he might have done it, he could not say. It
was his grandmother’s birthday, and he had taken a drop too much.
The worthy Magistrate remonstrated with him, in the kindest manner, j
against letting his meritorious family feelings induce him to exceed the '
limits of moderation, and a3 no one had been hurt, of course could not |
think of detaining a man who had erred unconsciously.
Jonathan Jarvis was charged with rushing into the street on!
Sunday last, just as people were coming out of church, and knocking j
down a congregation with a large stick.
The prisoner hoped he should be forgiven. He had only just returned
from abroad, and the wine of this country soon intoxicated him. He !
hoped to get used to it in time.
The worthy Magistrate asked whether any complainants remained in
attendance. Being informed that there were several, he said that it
was not very creditable to their charity, after the explanation that had
been given. However, he must enforce the law, and should fine the
prisoner five shillings.
Silas Eletcher was charged with knocking for two hours at the
house of a gentleman in Baker Street, pulling the bell, kicking, and
declaring that he would murder the inmates. A medical man said that
a lady who had recently become a mother had been made dangerously ill
by the nuisance.
The prisoner said that his own wife had caused him to be turned out
of doors because he was drunk, and this naturally infuriated him.
The worthy Magistrate said that it would infuriate anybody, and she
ought to be ashamed of herself. As for the house in Baker Street, was
the knocker properly tied up F
The gentleman said that the white glove had been removed.
The worthy Magistrate said that this was culpable negligence, and
discharged the prisoner with an earnest caution.
Barnabas Briggs was charged with rushing among the bathing
machines at Sandpiper, frightening the ladies, dragging away the horse,
beating some gentlemen who endeavoured to interfere, and drowning
an aged bathing-woman.
The prisoner, a very athletic man, said that he had been a sailor, and
having met some old messmates they had drunk together until he hardly
knew what he did.
The worthy Magistrate said that he did not like to be hard upon a
man who had sailed the deep, and on his assurance that he had been
drunk, would overlook the offence this time, but Briggs must keep
away from the seaside, except when on duty.
[Mr. Punch has, as yet, named no names, but as certain of his friends
the Beaks (and some higher judges) seem resolved to regard intoxi-
cation as an Extenuation instead of an Aggravation, those distinguished
individuals must accept the above as a hint that he means, unless he
sees reform, to take special note of magisterial offenders in this line.]
THE SURPLICED BEGGAR.
Talk of the Mendicant Monks ! They may have known a few dodges
in their day, but they would have been beaten hollow by the Clergy of
the Church of England as by law established. No one can say that
these gentlemen do their work negligently. There is, we firmly
believe, no incident that can occur in human life, that will not give
a Parson an excuse for suggesting the disbursement of money.
One might have thought that the frightful accident on the Matter-
horn would have been regarded as too awful to be connected with a
begging process. No, an Irish chaplain writes to the papers to suggest
that it would be an elegant thing to Endow a Church at Zermatt, to
the memory of the unfortunate adventurers who fell from the mountain.
But when a mountain accident does not help a Parson, he easily finds
another peg to hang the begging box on. Here is an advertisement
which has been sent to us. It is from a place in the east of England.
AN OPEN AIR SERVICE
Will be held in tbe RECTORY MEADOWS in this Village next Sunday evening,
at 7 o’clock (D.V., and if the weather permits), to implore a blessing on the coming
hai-vest. A collection will be made afterwards, towards a vieather-cock on the
church tower.
Another and a very resolute attack on the purse is thus made. A
Parson cuts out from the newspaper the announcement of the birth of
a baby. He sticks the record upon a card, into the middle of a little
painted wreath of rosebuds, violets, or lilies. He writes some senti-
mental lines comparing the baby to the flower, and he addresses the
affair to the newly-made mother, accompanying it by another intimation
that if the rosebuds have pleased her, she should show her gratitude to
the Supreme Being who has given her a rosebud, and to the author of
the poem, by enclosing a shilling to help to pay for—something or
other of a clerical kind. Mr. Punch has no doubt that this bait, thrown
out at amomeut when a young mother believes that the greatest event
in universal history has just occurred, catches much fish.
Yes, many of the Parsons are good men and also capital fellows, but
some of them are the most pertinacious and accomplished of beggars.
Punch admires their ingenuity too much not to hold it up to public
notice, and has some more specimens in hand.
ODE TO GAMGEE.
Hey, Propessor Gamgee!
The great outcry, may be,
’Gainst diseased foreign cattle’s all fiddle-de-dee.
If the truth’s to be said,
Isn’t murrain home-bred
In the pen of uncleanness, and close-crowded shed ?
Meat is awfully dear,
’Twould be much more severe
If we had no more of it than all that we rear.
Look, with careful inspection,
Out for alien infection,
But don’t stop importation with view to Protection.
An Impossibility Accomplished.
Stuart Mill demolishes Sir William Hamilton, and Mr.
Spencer demolishes Mr. Mill, and the Saturday Review demolishes
Mr. Spencer, for aught we know ; but we got no further, in a truly
admirable and perfectly incomprehensible article, than to this illustration
of what the reviewer thinks an impossibility:—
“ Try and form an idea of motion without a moving body.”
Well, here. Imagine the Conservative body, supporting a motion
against progress. __
Quite Contrariwise.
We are told that “like cures like.” We wish our clever homoeopaths
would invent a much more valuable system to Society by which “dis-
likes should cure dislikes.” _
An Acute Angler.—The Judicious Hooker.
75
THE PLEA OF DRUNKENNESS.
From the Police Reports.
illlam Jones was
charged with hav-
ing set fire to
Westminster Ab-
bey on the 5th ult.,
and thus caused
the conflagration
in which that fa-
mous edifice pe-
rished.
The prisoner
said that he was
drunk, and knew
nothing about it.
The worthy Ma-
gistrate said, that
though he could
hardly call intoxi-
cation an excuse,
he should be
ashamed to deal
with a drunken
man as if he had
been sober. He
hoped that the
having beenlocked
up all night would
be a caution to
the prisoner not
down any more public buildings, and discharged him.
James Brown was charged with having scuttled the Gravesend
steamer Periwinkle, when full of passengers, on Sunday. The boat
sank, but the majority of the passengers were saved.
The prisoner said that some friends had treated him, and he hardly
knew what he was about.
The worthy Magistrate said that the fault was more that of the
prisoner’s friends than his own, and as not many persons had been
drowned, he would only hold the prisoner to bail, in his own recog- j
nisances, not to do it again.
William Buggins was charged with having laid a large log across
the Great Eastern Railway, in order to overturn the express train. By
some accident a look-out was kept, and the train was stopped.
The prisoner said that he might have done it, he could not say. It
was his grandmother’s birthday, and he had taken a drop too much.
The worthy Magistrate remonstrated with him, in the kindest manner, j
against letting his meritorious family feelings induce him to exceed the '
limits of moderation, and a3 no one had been hurt, of course could not |
think of detaining a man who had erred unconsciously.
Jonathan Jarvis was charged with rushing into the street on!
Sunday last, just as people were coming out of church, and knocking j
down a congregation with a large stick.
The prisoner hoped he should be forgiven. He had only just returned
from abroad, and the wine of this country soon intoxicated him. He !
hoped to get used to it in time.
The worthy Magistrate asked whether any complainants remained in
attendance. Being informed that there were several, he said that it
was not very creditable to their charity, after the explanation that had
been given. However, he must enforce the law, and should fine the
prisoner five shillings.
Silas Eletcher was charged with knocking for two hours at the
house of a gentleman in Baker Street, pulling the bell, kicking, and
declaring that he would murder the inmates. A medical man said that
a lady who had recently become a mother had been made dangerously ill
by the nuisance.
The prisoner said that his own wife had caused him to be turned out
of doors because he was drunk, and this naturally infuriated him.
The worthy Magistrate said that it would infuriate anybody, and she
ought to be ashamed of herself. As for the house in Baker Street, was
the knocker properly tied up F
The gentleman said that the white glove had been removed.
The worthy Magistrate said that this was culpable negligence, and
discharged the prisoner with an earnest caution.
Barnabas Briggs was charged with rushing among the bathing
machines at Sandpiper, frightening the ladies, dragging away the horse,
beating some gentlemen who endeavoured to interfere, and drowning
an aged bathing-woman.
The prisoner, a very athletic man, said that he had been a sailor, and
having met some old messmates they had drunk together until he hardly
knew what he did.
The worthy Magistrate said that he did not like to be hard upon a
man who had sailed the deep, and on his assurance that he had been
drunk, would overlook the offence this time, but Briggs must keep
away from the seaside, except when on duty.
[Mr. Punch has, as yet, named no names, but as certain of his friends
the Beaks (and some higher judges) seem resolved to regard intoxi-
cation as an Extenuation instead of an Aggravation, those distinguished
individuals must accept the above as a hint that he means, unless he
sees reform, to take special note of magisterial offenders in this line.]
THE SURPLICED BEGGAR.
Talk of the Mendicant Monks ! They may have known a few dodges
in their day, but they would have been beaten hollow by the Clergy of
the Church of England as by law established. No one can say that
these gentlemen do their work negligently. There is, we firmly
believe, no incident that can occur in human life, that will not give
a Parson an excuse for suggesting the disbursement of money.
One might have thought that the frightful accident on the Matter-
horn would have been regarded as too awful to be connected with a
begging process. No, an Irish chaplain writes to the papers to suggest
that it would be an elegant thing to Endow a Church at Zermatt, to
the memory of the unfortunate adventurers who fell from the mountain.
But when a mountain accident does not help a Parson, he easily finds
another peg to hang the begging box on. Here is an advertisement
which has been sent to us. It is from a place in the east of England.
AN OPEN AIR SERVICE
Will be held in tbe RECTORY MEADOWS in this Village next Sunday evening,
at 7 o’clock (D.V., and if the weather permits), to implore a blessing on the coming
hai-vest. A collection will be made afterwards, towards a vieather-cock on the
church tower.
Another and a very resolute attack on the purse is thus made. A
Parson cuts out from the newspaper the announcement of the birth of
a baby. He sticks the record upon a card, into the middle of a little
painted wreath of rosebuds, violets, or lilies. He writes some senti-
mental lines comparing the baby to the flower, and he addresses the
affair to the newly-made mother, accompanying it by another intimation
that if the rosebuds have pleased her, she should show her gratitude to
the Supreme Being who has given her a rosebud, and to the author of
the poem, by enclosing a shilling to help to pay for—something or
other of a clerical kind. Mr. Punch has no doubt that this bait, thrown
out at amomeut when a young mother believes that the greatest event
in universal history has just occurred, catches much fish.
Yes, many of the Parsons are good men and also capital fellows, but
some of them are the most pertinacious and accomplished of beggars.
Punch admires their ingenuity too much not to hold it up to public
notice, and has some more specimens in hand.
ODE TO GAMGEE.
Hey, Propessor Gamgee!
The great outcry, may be,
’Gainst diseased foreign cattle’s all fiddle-de-dee.
If the truth’s to be said,
Isn’t murrain home-bred
In the pen of uncleanness, and close-crowded shed ?
Meat is awfully dear,
’Twould be much more severe
If we had no more of it than all that we rear.
Look, with careful inspection,
Out for alien infection,
But don’t stop importation with view to Protection.
An Impossibility Accomplished.
Stuart Mill demolishes Sir William Hamilton, and Mr.
Spencer demolishes Mr. Mill, and the Saturday Review demolishes
Mr. Spencer, for aught we know ; but we got no further, in a truly
admirable and perfectly incomprehensible article, than to this illustration
of what the reviewer thinks an impossibility:—
“ Try and form an idea of motion without a moving body.”
Well, here. Imagine the Conservative body, supporting a motion
against progress. __
Quite Contrariwise.
We are told that “like cures like.” We wish our clever homoeopaths
would invent a much more valuable system to Society by which “dis-
likes should cure dislikes.” _
An Acute Angler.—The Judicious Hooker.