Punch (49.1865)

2‘26

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 9, 1865.

TESTIMONY AGAINST

THE ROCKS.

PETROLIA.

New Association lias been
formed. It is called the
“Victoria Institute, or Philo-
sophical Society of Great
Britain.” Lord Shaftes-
bury, K G., is at its head,
but we do not observe any
other great person in the
list, which is chiefly com-
posed of what are called
“serious” gentlemen, and
clergymen of the evangelical
school. Its circular sets forth
its objects at some length,
but we condense the state-
ment, fairly, we trust, in
saying that it is an Anti-
Geological Society. The
design is by means of argu-
ment and evidence to sustain
what are called orthodox
views.

We mention the Anti-
Geological Society simply
that we may congratulate its
members on the advance of
their party. To write and
publish candid and well
weighed argument is the
true way to make war for or
against a faith. How very much better this course is than to denounce geologists
and philosophers and critical commentators as knaves, fools, wicked men, deceivers,
ensnarers, breakers of vows, sophists, atheists, infidels, and people who would
marry their grandmothers. At last the orthodox have discovered that among the
sins of the heterodox there is the sin of not thinking that giving a person a bad
name is quite an answer to all that he may have said. Now that argument is to
come into play, there is hope for truth. We do not quite like the sticking a
fragment of a text into the first paragraph, because this is a bit of Claphamism;
and though there is doubtless “ philosophy falsely so called,” there is also philosophy
truly so called, and it has demolished a great deal of orthodoxy falsely so called.
But this is a trifle, and one perhaps necessary as a sop to a class that prefers the
utterances of an Irish parson of rabid unction to the calm and analytical teaching
of a Stanley or a Maurice. Our objection is not grave. We cordially welcome
the Anti-Geological Society, because all efforts to discover truth are respectable,
and because it is a sign of the times that gentlemen of the Clapham faith condescend
to argue.

Tx these busy days,

Unless anything “ pays,”

’Tis put down as of minor importance;

What matter how filthy
The way to be wealthy.

If, by it, men, dirt cheap, make fortes,
Petrolia, that’s a fine lie land—

A slimy, detestable He land—
Venturesome men
Run off to Penn-
-sylvania’s unctuous lie land !

Let the whales rest in peace.

Like old Heroes of Grease,

They may blubber all over their faces;

But the whalers won’t pay
Them attention, when they
Have found out more azm/able places.

They ’ll go to Petrolia’s He land—

That sweet, oleaginous lie land—

They ’ll play their harpoons
And a-singing of tunes
They ’ll be off to this unctuous lie land.

You may talk, upon paper,

Of mud, slime, and vapour,

Such reports speculators are pleased at;

But who cares for the smell
That can work an oil-well P
Cent, per scent’s not a thing to be sneezed at.
If you are a cunning old file, land
With money to rent and to buy land,
With that trump card a spade
Why, your fortune is made
In this wondrous Petrolian He Land.

Oh ! just wait awhile
And we all shall burn He,

Gas and candles grow dearer and dearer.

Snuff out each short six in this
Day of oil wicks, in this
Oil and TPi'ctorian Era.

Pare well to my own native sile! and
To-day I embark from this Island!

We, of Petrolia
Slowly, too slowly are,

Steaming away to the lie Land.

A WORD TO THE ORCHESTRAS.

Unlike the Christian Lorenzo, Mr. Punch is ever “merry when
he hears sweet music.” But then, to make him merry, the music
must be sweet. Else it only makes him miserable, and irritates
his temper, and tempts him to repine that he was not born deaf.

Now, the music at our theatres is usually execrable, and it is time
that public notice be taken of the fact. When Mr. Punch goes to the
play, he goes intending to be pleased with everything he hears; but the
pleasure the play gives him is neutralised well-nigh by the music that
attends it. To enjoy a play completely, one’s hearing must be fresh,
and not wearied and worn out by the banging of a drum and the blaring
of a cornet. A few fiddles and a flute, with a clarinet or two, a good
Erench horn, and double bass, are quite enough to give sufficient music
for an entr'acte. What one wants, then, is some music gentle, delicate,
and light, to form an under-current, as it were, for conversation. At
the falling of the curtain, people mostly like to talk, and unless they be
born Stentors, they cannot easily converse amid the banging and the
bellowing of kettledrums and cornets. It may be hinted that the
“ gods” are partial to a row, and that noisy tunes are only played to
please the gallery. But the stalls and boxes surely have a right to be
consulted ; and Mr. Punch feels pretty sure that they will side with
him in thinking that a side drum is a nuisance, and brass bellowers are
bores.

There may be playgoers whose ears are tough as those of a rhinoceros,
and capable of hearing any quantity of clamour; but there must be
others, also, whose hearing is more sensitive, and who, to listen through
a play, must not be worried in the entr'actes. Ears sometimes are so
wearied by the blaring of the band, that they have barely strength to
listen to the drama. If plays are to be published bound in brass and
calfskin—in cornopeans and kettledrums—they really might almost as
well be plays without words ; for after all the clanging and clamour of
the band, not one playgoer in ten can have his hearing left to listen
to them.

REFORM—PARLIAMENTARY AND PATAGONIAN.

The present enormous demand for giants is suggestive of some
serious reflections. It seems probable that our standard of human
excellence will soon be raised to an eight feet standard. We may then
expect to have manhood suffrage with a vengeance. The poor ten pound
householder will be swept away to make room for one of thirty stone.
Faggot votes of course will be abolished, and every elector be in himself
a plumper.

Further—with a gigantic constituency what qualifications will be
required for a legislator! Who but a “second Daniel” can fairly
embody the principles of a Lambert ? Then what will be the estimated
size of a House of Representatives ? St. Stephen will shrink in dismay
when he sees a legislative body approaching for whom he has no ade-
quate accommodation. But when a Member who sits for (say) Great
Yarmouth occupies a sensible space, will debates be confined within
their present almost unreportable limits? The elastic properties of
popular oratory are proverbial. With an enlarged rotunda, may we not
anticipate an aggravated ore rotundo ? Would not an Irish Member
swell over six short hours with Erin’s grief, and would a country gen-
tleman be content with an entire evening in spreading forth his burthens
on land ? We should like to see the franchise placed on a firm footing,
but we cannot consistently support one which fascinates many muscular
politicians because it is calculated to please the fancy.

In conclusion, we would ask, is Earl Russell prepared to bring in
a Reform Bill on this bold basis—giving sympathetically a preponderance
of power to those who have the greatest weight, not in the social, but
the fistic scale, and is he strong enough to carry it ? We pause for a
reply._

AMERICAN CLAIMS.

There is a large Tick between England and America.
The Atlan-tic.