July 15, 1865.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ^

system, lungs, heart, and circulation, whereby they invariably give energy, tone,
and vigour to all the natural functions of life.”

Lord Bacon. I was fined £40,000, sent to the Tower, declared inca-
pable of ever holding another office, of sitting in Parliament, or corning
to Court. Those items are inscribed for ever under the memorabile et
venerabile nomen, Francis Bacon. Yet that name is a household word
in this kingdom.

Lord Bethell. I see your Lordship’s drift. It is lucky for me that
party spirit, by which I have been persecuted, for good reasons, was not
powerful enough to damage my character, though I might lose my
place.

Lord Bacon. Melius est cavere semper quam pati semel, but be is to be
held fortunate who hath been careless, yet suffers slightly. For, bating
the loss of place, what else have you lost F One hundred and seventy-
seven enemies voted against one hundred and sixty-three friends. We
will deduct the lesser number from the greater. What is the difference ?

Lord Bethell. Fourteen.

Lord Bacon. Fourteen men say that your Lordship should retire. I {
pray you give me the muster-roll. I see that the whole of the Tories j
who could be whipped into the House were against you, with a few
extra votes, as Bouverie, who is of the priggish nature, Sir Morton
Peto, the Baptist builder, and Bowter, the Papist. I see Hennessy,
the tool of the Papists, the sapient Lennoxes, Hose, the ex-Mayor, the
aged if not wise Duke, the Parliamentary Colonels, ever blatant against
reforms, and some barristers. Truly, my Lord, it must be a tender skin
indeed that feels such bites. Surely you will say, Mens invicta manet.

Lord Bethell. All votes count alike in a division. Palmerston can-
not outweigh even Peto.

Lord Bacon. Distinguo. Your country is the scrutineer. Your coun-
trymen know that the Yote of Censure was a Party Move. You are
hated by the Tories for the reforms you have wrought, and still more
for those you threaten. The vermin of the Bankruptcy Court have
been rudely brushed by you, and would have been brushed out entirely,
had you remained in office. You have given the Divorce Court to the
people. You have simplified conveyancing. This and more will be
remembered, when your errors shall be forgotten.

Lord Bethell. I admit the errors.

Lord Bacon. They were two, and non licet m hello bis peccare. But
Englishmen do not hate a man much because he has been too lenient,
or because he has been wrongly tolerant of the evil deeds of his
children. You have been punished, my Lord, and will live to serve the
State. Non ignarus mali, I give you this consolation. I add that much
of your trouble is from another fault.

Lord Bethell. I wish to hear it.

Lord Bacon. Intolerant of fools and knaves, you have made yourself,
by virtue of a bitter tongue, the least popular man in England. My
gracious manners and flowing eloquence made friends out of enemies.
Multis terribilis, caveto multos, as Ausonius remarks.

Lord Bethell. It may be so. But it is very hard to hear a knave
talking what he knows to be folly, and yet not to give him a backhander.
However, I will mend. You would not have me retire from public
life ?

Lord Bacon. Minime. The nation can ill spare such a brain. Go to
the House of Lords and do your duty. A Bishop or so may be spiteful,
but the Peers are gentlemen, and will remember that nemo bis vexari
debet pro eadem causa. It is from your country that you have your
retaining fee, .my Lord. And for the end, for I may tarry no longer,
take my advice, which I gave to Judge Hutton. “Mix well the
freedom of your own opinion with reverence of the opinion of your
fellows, affect not the opinion of pregnancy and expedition by an im-
patient and catching hearing of others, and fear no man’s face, yet turn
not stoutness into defiance.” And so I bid your Lordship heartily
farewell. [Exit.

Lord Bethell. As my friend Mr. Bunch said, “ the character ot that
Bacon was streaky,” but he always spoke the words of wisdom. My
lark shall whistle yet.

ATTESTATION OF QUACKERY.

The subjoined fudge comes out of a respectable Journal, in which it
is printed at the bottom of a column of news, in the same type with the
rest of the column, ostensibly as a simple statement, and not as an
advertisement: —

“ Dr. Pritchard.—This trial is now going on in Edinburgh, and will form a
pretty specimen ot the pharmaceutical poisons used in medicine, against which the
British College of Health, on behalf of the Society of Hygeists, has protested for the
last forty years. Let the public look to it.—British College of Health, Euston Road,
London, July 4.”

In the same part of the next column but one, and under the same
appearances, the same journal contains the following series of falsehoods :

“ Holloway’s Ointment and Pills.—Hope for all. Whatever their ailments,
none need despair of being cured till they have tried these estimable remedies.
Whether the disease be internal or external, spontaneous or the result of violence—
if a cure be possible, Holloway’s medicaments will effect it. The severity or dura-
tion of the malady is no bar to the successful influence exerted by these twin
medicines, which cleanse, purify, and invigorate every fluid and solid in the body,
and completely renovate the digestion. They render every organ of secretion
healthy. These admirable antidotes to disease act immediately on the absorbent

Now, the quacks of the “ British College of Health” will be enabled
to quote the former of tbe two foregoing puffs as the testimony of a
reputable paper in favour of Morison’s Pills. The quacksalver also,
who thrives by the fools that buy Holloway’s Pills and Ointment may
cite the latter puff as expressing the real belief of tbe conductors of
the paper as to the virtues of those “twin medicines.” Many simple
ersons, having read those puffs, doubtless regard them as avouched
y its authority. Do the gentlemen who are responsible for the asser-
tions published as those of the paper, with reference to the British
College of Health and Holloavay’s Pills and Ointment, give their
apparent sanction to those untruths gratuitously, or for a pecuniary
consideration ? If they sell their endorsement of affirmations to
quacks, regardless of veracity, what will you give for their word ? Is
it too much. to invite them to consider whether the sale of that sort of
commodity is exactly an honourable way of making money ?

ELECTION LUNES.

No. 1.—THE ELECTORAL BODY.

CHARACTER CLEANING, AND REPUTATION RENO-
MATING COMPANY.

FLUMMERY’S PATENT PURIFYING PROCESS.

Enrolled according to Act of Parliament.

The high commercial value which character now commands, and the
extreme difficulty of cleansing it by any system at present in operation,
have suggested the necessity of a Company with large and varied
powers of lustration.

“ Flummery’s Patent Purifying Process ” is already too well known
in this country to require any lengthened encomiums.

As the Directors, however have no desire to encroach on vested
interests, application will be made to Parliament for leave to extend its
application beyond its present privileged area.

All differences of opinion as to the most judicious method of bleaching
any individual reputation will be submitted to the law officers of the
Crown, as most competent, from their experience, to deal with matters
of unusual delicacy.

Courts of Bankruptcy, metropolitan or provincial, requiring fumiga-
tion, will be treated with on liberal terms.

Scandal-cases scoured, and sent home in twenty-four hours, perfectly
inodorous.

Stains on Wool speedily removed, and a new face put on anybody
that has got the Sack.

To protect the Patent, all the Company’s operations will be carried
on behind a screen, and any infringement will be visited by immediate
proceedings in Chancery.

Beds of Justice, on wdiich judicial caution has slept, aired, and
seasoned, and scented pursuant to order.

Calumnies extracted, and rumours dyed to any colour required.
Reports calendered and faded popularities restored.

N.B. Machines are already iu course of construction by which the
accounts of the Company will be periodically audited.