Punch (55.1868)

July 4, 1868.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

7

MRS. PUNCH’S LETTERS TO HER DAUGHTER.

Y DEALEST JUDIANA,

You have now
reached the age of
eighteen, when it
is the fashion for
young ladies to take
the reins of domes-
tic government, and
for their mothers to
abdicate the chair
of authority for
ever; but I feel
sure that your dear
Papa, who has al-
ways been an advo-
cate of woman’s
rights, would never
consent to that sort
of thing. I trust,
therefore, that my
daughter will not
look down upon her
mother because she
is no Medical Wo-
man, or would-be
U niversity-W oman,
nor would-be Arch-
bishopees, to talk
sublimely about the Irish Church, no Mrs. Dizzy, climbing the greased
pole at the political fair to win the pig! but simply a stewing, preserv-
ing, non-Novel-writing person of the weaker—I mean—stronger sex,
and a firm believer in the Rights of Men.

Such, my dearest, is your Mother, and I cannot conceal my satis-
faction that I am not writing this letter to you fifty years hence;
for your dear Papa, Mu. John Stuart Mill, and all reformers,
whether they be great and glorious, or the veriest rag-tag and
bob-tail of society, prophesy such changes, that the very thought
of being alive then, and of having daughters, makes my hair stand on
end. To be sure, it would be a good thing for young ladies to find
wholesome occupation ; but how overwhelming to think of one’s girls
being M.A’s and M.D.’s, and Curates and Barristers, and Members of
Parliament! I console myself with thinking that if the study of Greek
and Algebra would not make ladies better housekeepers and financiers
than they are now, it could not make them worse.

To return to. the point, though I really forget what that is now, my
heart swells with British ardour and maternal pride when I contem-
plate the education I have been enabled to give my daughter' and all
the money it has cost! I know that it is the fashion to run clown the
present system of female education, but has not my daughter learned
to dance, to sing, to speak a little French, to dress her hair becomingly,
to play croquet,, to discuss with knowingness every topic of the day-
to amuse herself from morning till night P—and is not this the accepted
curriculum of female education in this great country ?

Your education finished thus, it is my wish to discourse to you upon
many things which every young woman on entering life ought to see
through the eyes of a mother, even if she is only a meek-miniled person
addicted to Pickles and Pastry. I really feel ashamed of myself
when I reflect that I am a nobody, and have not even written a novel!
But though extremely humiliated at the idea of never contributing
immortal works to the literature of my country, I can discourse to
you in your mother tongue upon such topics as Hair Dyes, Husbands,
Chignons, Curate’s slippers, Ladies’ Committees, Rights of Men, Dear
Mu. Mill’s theories, (of which I am a humble expounder) and so on.

When I first surveyed the greatness of my undertaking I thought I
should never have courage to battle with it, but the sight of so many
words on paper has such an exhilarating effect upon the spirits, that I
can well, understand how ladies take to wilting as men do to cigars
and. billiards. It is the only dram-drinking within their reach, and
having once got a taste they cannot abstain; and really it would be
very terrible if this desire to hear oneself wordify had no other vent-
hole but conversation. Your Papa, however, though he has a great
objection to . what may be denominated as Tatting and Twaddling
women (for it is astonishing and lamentable how ladies’ tongues go
when occupied with their harmless tatting needles), is at all times
pleased to hear the opinions of Persons, as we may now call ourselves,
who have any—and no British matron ought to be without—though
they suit his palate better when they have been kept for some time,
like onions, and are not too strong.

Oh, dear ! I ask any feeling Person of the other sex to think of what
it is to have a daughter just coming out, or rather one ought to say,
going in, - a daughter going in, then, for croquet and curates, if she is
an ordinary young lady, or for Committees and Degrees and Causes if
she is clever; but in either case with so much sail and steam that it is

impossible for any steady-going maternal craft to keep within hail of
her, and to imagine what the state of mind of such a panting and
despairing left-behind mother must be ! I ask that feeling Person, as
a man and a brother, to shut his eye for a moment, and putting himself
in the place of a parent who has a daughter, look into the future and
make what he can of it.

I confess that a daughter is a delightful spectacle to outsiders and
the world in general, and I never go into the dull London streets with-
out gazing in amazement, not unmixed with awe, at these chignon-
bearing creatures, as young ladies may now be described in natural
histories of civilisation, and without wondering if they tie up their
throats with so many yards of gay ribbon to show that they deserve
moral hanging for their follies. But to return to the mental arithmetic
of any Peeling Person doing a sum in simple addition, who shall put
his income, moral sentiments, philosophy, fireside comforts, and a quiet
mind on one side, and on the other, his daughter’s lawn-parties, concert-
tickets, trips to Paris, seaside expenses, guineas for fashionable chari-
ties, brides’-maids’ costume, Doing-as-other-people-do and other Neces-
saries of life, and see where the balance remains.

Ah! my dearest daughter, the Necessaries of life have increased sadly
since Mr. Punch led me to the hymeneal altar, especially the one last
mentioned!

I do not wish to cavil at the spirit of the age. I only want you to
feel that you have a mother, and that that mother is a reformer, though
she can blow with no mighty trumpet. A few years ago there waged
a terrible war between those of my sex who called themselves reformers
and the men they wanted to reform; but after many sanguinary con-
flicts, in which both parties were always victorious, a truce has been
proclaimed, arms are laid down, and the once hostile forces are upon
the most amicable terms imaginable.

I have already made some allusion to the Rights of Men, and as this
is a question quite set aside by most ladies who come forward as cham-
pions of humanity, I feel it incumbent upon me to stand up for the
poor helpless injured tilings. Por though all women have not husbands
and brothers, all women must at some time or other have had fathers,
and have thus come into.pretty close, relationship with the inferior sex,
as I suppose it is in this age of scientific discovery universally held
to be ; of course, making a few glorious exceptions, such as Mu.
Beales, the Pope, Mr. Tupper, &c. The fact is, or rather my fact
is,—for may it always be Mrs. Ptmch's. endeavour to state opinions in
the mild pleasant manner peculiar to her sex—my fact is, that men as
an institution are Httle understood by the female part of the commu-
nity. Why, boldly asks Mrs. Punch, in the name of common sense
and her sex in general (excuse the paradoxical phraseology) is a man
treated as if he were a fool by his female relations ? “ Gentle Marl
Walker,” as the old song sweetly runs, “tell me why.”

Before expounding upon this particular text, I will state what I con-
sider to be the rights of all Britons of the male sex, only excluding
Spirit-Rappers, Mormons, and all mischief-makers from Mr. Eyre’s
persecutors and Mr. Reardon downwards.

The Rights of Men are :—

1st. The last word but one in every domestic discussion.

2nd. The privilege of proroguing the parliament when the subject
under consideration has been vehemently handled for the space of an
hour.

3rd. To see that his wife or fiancee is properly taught the rudiments
of arithmetic, so as to be able to do such sums as these

B.’s income is £600 per annum, but B.’s wife cannot, with the
strictest economy keep house under £'800 per annum. Subtract the
last sum from the first, and what remains to lay by for the education
of the boys, and for the dress of the girls, poor things ?

If this does not answer, a man is justified by the laws of his country
to quote Adam Smith, Jeremy Bentham, and other learned authori-
ties, demonstrating that two and two make four.

4th. To go to the club with Smith and Brown whenever he
returns home to find the kitchen chimney on fire, remonstrating
policemen in the hall, cook sulky, mistress stormy, dinner not in sight,
and most likely out of the question.

5th. To be treated like a reasonable being, and not like a fool; that
is, cajoled into follies he cannot afford, to snobbisms he detests, flat-
tered, fooled, wheedled.

6th. Every free-bom Briton, provided he is harmless, and does his
duty to his family and the world, in general, has a right to a quiet life,
a cigar now and then, sensible conversation, and a comfortable home.

Having enumerated the Rights of Men, I must now say a word or
two about their wrongs ; and this brings me back to the question—why
is a man treated like a fool by most of the women with whom he is
brought in contact P Whilst other ladies are proclaiming on the house-
tops that we want Votes, Universities, and Medical Degrees, and Pro-
perty Laws, let me, as becomes Mr. Punch's consort, act the part of a
(domestic reformer, and tell my daughter and the rest of her sex, what
we want besides in the way of reformation.

I wonder whether there will be a Professor of Common Sense in the