Punch (55.1868)

august 22, 1868.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PARTICULAR !

I Adjutant of Volunteers [to Recruit). “Well, Sip., and what Company do you
j wish to be in ?”

Recruit. “ Augh! I’ve been—ah—used to the Co’pany of—ah—•Ge’tle-
] men, Sjr ! ! ! ! ”

OUR DEAR OLD CHURCH OE ENGLAND.’

[Genuine Version.)

Our dear old Church of England,

Let’s rally round you now,

Though there’s not the least occasion
Eor kicking up a row.

You know you ’re safe as ever,

And watched with loving eye,

But Dizzy (who’s so clever)

Suggests a little Cry.

So, dear old Church of England,

(And none can call you cheap)

We ’ll make your name a war-cry,

Eor those who’d office keep.

Declare to win elections,

Old Mother Church so dear,

With these, our crack selections.

Yourself, and Gold, and Beer.

SERVE BOTH RIGHT.

Mr. Hiram Crawshaw, a friend of Lord Paulett’s
must, as a nobleman’s friend, be replete with all the moral
and social virtues, but we should think that “ talent was
not his forte,” as somebody said. At Brighton Races he
does three wise things. Eirst, he proposes to give money
to one of a gang of the impudent and filthy mountebanks
who are called nigger minstrels. Secondly, he gives him a
napoleon. Thirdly, on the cunning cad returning what
he coidd not easily dispose of, Mr. H. C. gives him a
sovereign, and asks for nineteen shillings. Of course the
greasy thief bolts with Mr. EIiram’s money. Luckily a
lady’s keen eyes detect the fellow at Lewes Races, and he
gets six weeks with hard labour, a fortnight more than
most ruffians get for brutal assaults on women, and not
more than, comparisons aside, he deserves. But we hope S
that Mr. Crawshaw is not unduly proud of his own
cleverness. Punch might not have mentioned it, but has
no kindly feeling for folks who encourage dirty nuisances,
and he would be glad that everybody who does it were
fined £1 as Mr. H. C. has been.

Marriages which are not
Lucifer Matches.

made in Heaven.’

KILLING THE GOOSE.

[An old Moral new pointed.)

“The increase in the fares of the South-Eastern, Brighton, and Chatham.
! Companies, that were to form the ‘Great Southern Confederation,’ has pro-
j duced a decrease in the last published weekly returns over the corresponding
period of last year :—

1867. 1868. Decrease.

South-Eastern . £34,350 .£32,893 . £1,457

Brighton . 36,409 . 33,497 2,912

Chatham and Dover . 17,499 . 16,042 1,457.”

—Daily Telegrojih.

Even blockheads are able to point to the fable
Experience is ever endorsing,

Whose moral proclaims that to make your gam stable,

You had best let it grow without forcing.

’Tis the tale of the goose that was wont to produce
Eor the goose without feathers, its master,

Eggs of genuine gold, at the rate, we were told,

Of one egg per day, but no faster.

Eor some time the man-goose was content to make use
Of the egg daily brought by the bird to him.

Till fired by disdain of such slow rate of gain,

A short-cut to millions occurred to him.

If his goose thus could lay one gold egg every day,

E or him to put by in his bureau,

’Twas an obvious idea, inside her must be a
Mine of all the gold eggs in futuro.

The thirst for her murder prevailed when he heard her
Cackle loud o’er the egg for the day.

As, in proud sense of duty, to say, “ Here’s a beauty.

At the feet of my master to lay! ”

So he took with his knife goosey’s innocent life,

And, without the delay of a minute,

Disembowelled her corse, av’rice stifling remorse,

Groped eager, and found nothing in it!

That blmd goose-dissector was sure a Director
On some Southern Line of his region,

Who accustomed his public to humbug or hector,

Eor his daily gold egg put the squeege on.

Till at last putting screw on to force out a new one,

He finds the more sternly he squeezes,

Ear from new eggs out-shelled, that the old egg’s withheld.
And that geese can’t be bled as he pleases !

Though our Watkins and Laings and Mangles ’gainst sayings
Are proof, let the week’s doings teach ’em,

If trav’llers think proper to put on the stopper,

E’en on Railway Directors, they’ll reach ’em.

If you cut up your geese, that they ’ll not only cease
Eor your needs to lay gold eggs enough, Sir,

But the eggs will be lost, and the geese, to your cost,

Will ciit up exceedingly rough, Sir.

Another Dainty.

A new relish may shortly be expected to appear on the breakfast-
table. According to the Pall Mall Gazette, news has arrived from the
German North Pole Expedition, one item of which reads thus:—
“Potted six ice-bears already.” Epicures received this intelligence
open-mouthed. _ Eortnum and Mason instantly telegraphed to secure
the whole consignment. Great uneasiness in certain quarters in the
Zoological Gardens.

A Stump Orator.—A Dentist who talks about himself.

Vol. 55.

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