Punch (55.1868)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jolt 18, 1868,


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DIFFICULT TO PLEASE.

Landlord (exultingly). “ Beautiful, promising Weather, Mr. Clovfrdale ! ”
British Farmer. “ Ah, we shan't hev’ any nice Mouldy Hay for the
Cows this Year !! ”

EXQUISITE HOMAGE TO A LION.

Of course, wlien Sir Robert Napier visited the
Crystal Palace there was tremendous cheering, and—

“ The two bands, accompanied by the Great Organ, at the
same time played ‘ See the Conquering Hero Conies.’ ”

This was a truly British, straightforward, and explicit
demonstration of merited homage, honest and hearty, if
a little adipous. A more refined and delicate, because at
Erst sight not quite so flattering compliment was paid, in
the course of a musical performance, to the victor of
Theodore, when Signor Foli sang the famous air from
Handel’s Samson, beginning with the words :—

“ Honour and arms scorn such a foe ; ”

As whom, one naturally asks, if not the late King of
Abyssinia ? The song continues—

“ Poor victory,

To conquer thee,

Or glory in thy overthrow ;

Vanquish a slave that is half slain !

So mean a triumph I disdain.”

To anybody whose sensibilities are but commonly keen,
the foregoing strain, considered as sung in honour of
Sir Robert Napier, may appear an example of curious
infelicity;. A nicer sense discerns the exquisite subtlety
of a reticence which may be imagined to suggest that
the foe with whom that great General had to contend was
not the miserable Theodore, but the nature of his country,
with the obstacles which it opposed to an invader. Other-
wise one would think that “ Honour and Arms ” had been
selected for the occasion of Wednesday’s fete at the Crystal
Palace by some sly member of the Jamaica Committee and
the Peace Society, or at least that Napier had fallen into
the hands of the Philistines.

Cruel Satire.

Lord Derby has charged Lord Carnarvon with
having recommended “ a dash ” upon Magdala.

What Lord Carnarvon says he recommended was,
“ a diplomatic mission.”

The idea of Lord Stanley’s father confounding
“ dash ” with “ diplomacy! ”


ADXICE TO THE POPE—

Don’t take too much Rope.

Poor dear Pio Nono ! I prithee take warning,

Nor good advice, though it is Hunch’s, be scorning.

Take up whate’er hobby may please Antonelli :

Take to scourging your back, or to starving your belly—

To hair-shirts or Chasse-pots, to Zouaves or penitents—

To preaching at women in tunics, or men i’ tents—

To holding your toe to be kissed by young ’Merica—

To consigning King Victor to—let us say—Jericho—

To putting down Campagna cub-limits or chignons—

To gagging free speech, clipping free-thinkers’ pinions—

Jo sending gold roses to Queen Isabella,

And making believe that she’s all that you tell her—

To threatening damnation to Austria’s Kaiser—

To laying mare’s nests for our own Advertiser—

1 o cramming canards for our wonderful Whalley—

Giving Orangemen points for a row and a rally7—

To sainting or sinnering, blessing or banning—

Finding texts for a Murphy, or truths for a Manning—
Bringing down Peter’s keys, bringing up Peter’s pence—

I uttmg truth in the Index, and banishing sense—

Anything, in a word, that is commonly foolish,

And in mere Papal measure mistaken or mulish,

But, as you your good would achieve and renounce ill.

Have nothing to do with a General Council:

The Council I mean that is called “ (Ecumenical,”

For which to Rome’s bishops the earth o’er, you pen a call.
Pan-Anglican Synods may look Lilliputian,

To the crowd that obeys your world-wide allocution,

Tut, from small things to great, by that Synod take warning.
Which left its toes laughing, its friends in deep mourning.

I' or as surely as too many cooks spoil the broth.

The Church will be spoiled by too much of “ the cloth.”
For proof I appeal to the deliberations—

Condones ad clerum—of our Convocations.

N o work they get through, not a question they settle :
Tis but clerical pot pounding clerical kettle:

Or if e’er they unite to direct Church’s thunder,

’Tis to back an injustice or bolster a blunder.

"Whate’er your Episcopal Council proposes,

For putting down Luther, or backing up Moses,

They have no more chance of o’er-bishopmg men so
Than has Convocation of muzzling Colenso.

Be wise then, and stick to encyclic and syllabus.

To mumming and mass in pontificabilibus.

Prove Papal misdoings mere Protestant scandal,
Excommunicate monarchs with bell, book and candle.
Intone “ Miserere ” and cliaunt “ Dies Tree’’

O’er Bishops and Cardinals prone to inquiry7.

Trust Cullen in Ireland, or Manning m London,—
Then zeal may be checked, or their blundering undone,—
But would you as Pope still direct fasts and feasts,

Ware General Councils, especially Priests’!

Very Alarming.

The Waterford Mail says the intense heat in that part of Ireland
has created quite a frenzy among the cattle, who are rushing about the
country, halt mad, in all directions. An excited mob of British Bulls
is bad enough; but think of a stampede of frantic Irish Bulls ! Per-
haps they are all moving towards Rome, to be canonised into Papal
Bulls. Nothing more crazy can well lie imagined.

Literary.—The excellent article in the Pall Mall Gazette on “ The i
I Pleasures of Wapping ” has been erroneously attributed to the Head
| Master ot Eton.