Punch (55.1868)

54

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 25, 1868.



IN FORMA PAUPERIS.

London Arab. “Please Sie, can’t i have a Shill'n s’okth ?! ”

A WEATHER WAIL AND A WEATHER
WANT.

“ Drink, pretty creature, drink.”—Wordsworth.

To drip I run when in the sun,

To damp, when in the shade ;

Thermometer at ninety-one,

And rising, I’m afraid !

In-doors or out, or slim or stout,

At a red heat one groans.

Longing one’s flesh to go without,

And sit in one’s bare-bones.

One cannot eat but little meat,

One’s stomach is not good ;

’Tis shame, methinks, that cooling drinks
Aren’t better understood.

Such drinks there are at every bar,

Where stars and stripes wave high,

And ticklers bland from hand to hand
In icy rain-bows fly!

But here, ah me, I nowhere see
The drinks the time requires ;

If, clubless, I for “ coolers ” cry,

What answers my desires ?

There’s soda-water, lemonade.

And there’s Imperial Pop ;

There’s Sainsbuey’s fruit syrups, made
At his peculiar shop.

There’s lemon-kali, with the gripes
Resulting from its use ■

There’s more or less adulterate swipes,

In quantities profuse.

There’s Jacob Townsend’s cooling draught.
Sarsaparilla sp’iled;

But for my taste, however chaste,

Drinks may be drawn “ too mild.”

There’s what for Bass attempts to pass,

Or Allsopp’s bitter beer.

Which or in draught, or bottle quaffed.

Inebriate—not cheer.

And where “nux vomica” with “ grains
Of Paradise ” combine.

Such drink, howe’er one longs for drains,

’Tis wiser to decline.

THE PATENT PREMIER.

(From the “ Arcana of Art.”)

This is a very clever invention. Until recently it was thought impracticable
to produce a Premier possessing such comprehensive properties—the vis inertia
in perpetual motion. Picture to your perplexed imagination a solid body attached
to a fixed point while constantly progressing in political space. Science smiles
upon her latest triumph—a Premier in a rapid state of oscillation, and never for
one moment in danger of being displaced.

Several curious mechanicians have examined its intricate works, and confess
themselves unable to discover by what combination of secret springs its vibratory
action is regulated. To some extent the Patent Premier resembles an ordinary
repeater with a dial elegantly enamelled, but its maintaining power surpasses that
of any similar instrument extant.

The Premier has a heavy striking weight and a powerful alarum—so powerful,
indeed, as to startle many superstitious people in the dark. Another remarkable
feature about the Patent Premier is its marvellous accuracy. It is warranted never
to go wrong, nor _ to stand in need of correction, its capacity of self-adjustment
rendering it peculiarly suitable for any Government office. We are happy to see
that our most influential merchants—those connected with the Tailors—have set
up the Patent Premier in their Hall of Audience, where its ticking is listened
to with whispered delight and admiration. If furnished with stronger hands—
at present those indispensable adjuncts are somewhat rickety—the Patent Pre-
mier would really be a valuable church-clock. As it now stands, the Premier
should not be shaken violently, and it requires a good pair of bellows to blow the
dust out of it.

A Place very much. Wanted.

These are not too many employments in the public service open to men who
are necessitated to earn then living, by the pursuit of literature. The creation of
an office for which skilled authorship would be a qualification is suggested by the
disputes continually occurring on the construction of Acts of Parliament. The
ambiguity and obscurity of parliamentary enactments is due to their not having
been properly revised and corrected. To put the language of all bills into such
! order as to fit them to become law. Parliament wants an Editor.

For us no cafe opes its door.

With marble tables spread ;

With smooth-swept matting on the floor,
And awning o’er the head.

And iced caraffe that wooes to quaff,

And waiters trained and trim,

While in the breeze the boulevard trees
Cast chequered shadows dim.

So to the flaring gin-shop’s bar,

Or pastry-cook’s hot den,

After my wanderings faint and far,

I must come back again !

For cooling draughts there’s but one mart
In London’s vasty pale.

The drinking fount’s my last resort—

My liquor, Adam’s ale !

Tlie “ Intelligent Foreigner.”

One Sunday an Italian went into an English Chuscii
during service, and took a seat which did not belong to
him. The Verger, who was ignorant of Italian, was at
a loss how to explain the case to him. . Remembering,
however, by a happy thought that music is the universal
language, the ingenious official leant over the door, and
in an undertone, so as not to disturb the clergyman, hum-
med the air of

“ Non pew mister

The intelligent Foreigner, comprehending his false posi-
tion, immediately retired.

Geographical.—The Bold Rover who was seen a week
ago snatching a kiss from Florence was detected last
Tuesday in taking a bus from Highbury.