Punch (55.1868)

88

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAEI. [Augdst 29, 1868.

!

THE POLITE ELECTION.

{A Model, respectfully recommended to the attention of all th*2

egarding tlie election
of a Member of Par-
liament for the bo-
rough of Pax-cum-
Vobis as a credit and
honour to the British
nation, we give a
somewhat fuller re-
port of it than has
appeared in other
journals. There were
two candidates, who,
though professing
opposite politics,
could hardly be
called antagonists,
they having con-
ducted their canvass
together, and having
throughout it dis-
played all the most
kindly and brotherly
feelings, an example
which had a highly
beneficial effect upon
the borough. The
Honourable Velvet
Bland, son of Lord Honeyball, was the Conservative candidate,
and the Liberal interest was represented by Mr. Gentle Smiler,
the opulent owner of the Treacleton estates, near Pax-cum-Vobis.

The nomination took place in front of the Assembly Rooms on
Tuesday. The worthy Mayor, Mr. Jenial Sole, an eminent fish-
monger, presided. The respected Vicar, the Rev. Dr. Harmony, and
the leading Dissenting minister, the Rev. Moses Meek, who was
driven into town in Mrs. Harmony’s basket carriage, and by that lady
herself, accompanied the Mayor upon the hustings. Proceedings were
commenced by Mr. Meek’s reading the Prayer-Book collect for peace,
and we may as well add that they were closed lay Dr. Harmony’s
giving out the hymn, “ Let dogs delight,” from the Congregational
Hymn-Book. The Mayor made a brief speech, in which he said that
it was needless to ask those whom lie saw before him to preserve the
utmost amity and concord, as quarrels, even at election time, were
unknown in their happy borough; but he would just express his hope
that in the eagerness of all to exhibit good fellowship, after the nomi-
nation, they would bear in mind that the head in the morning some-
times accused the heart of being over-gushing over-night. He hoped
that 6uch a hint, coming from a fishmonger, would not be considered
out of plaice (Roars of laughter and applause), or offishus (Renewed
laughter), as he should be sorry to flounder in the discharge of his duty.
The wit of the excellent Mayor increased the good-humour of the
meeting, and the crowd arranged itself with the utmost consideration,
the shorter persons being invited to stand in front, that they might see
the better. Three cheers were then given for the ladies in the balcony,
which were acknowledged gracefully, with bows from Mrs. Smiler,
the wife of the candidate, and (with some little modest hesitation) from
Miss Darling, who sat by the former, and to whom Mr. Bland is
engaged.

Mr. Syrup (grocer) then proposed Mr. Bland, and said that, with
two such candidates, it was of little consequence which he had the
honour to nominate ; but, having for many years supplied grocery to
Lord Honeyball, and as Mr. Bland might remember, Everton Toffy
to the junior branches of that noble house (laughter ; and Mr. Bland
said, laughing, “Very good toffy, too. I wish I had some now”)
he, Mr. Syrup, had thought it not inappropriate that he should pro-
pose that gentleman. He could hardly give him higher praise than
m saying that he was worthy to be a fellow-candidate with their friend
and neighbour, Mr. Smiler. {Applause, and Mr. Smiler raised
Us hat.)

Mr. Anodyne (chemist) seconded the nomination, and said that,
whatever might be the result of the election, he was sure that every-
body would, be delighted. _ Speeches were a drug, and the only one
he, a druggist, did not deal in, but as a vendor of scent he would give
them a scentiment: “ May the perfume of politeness ever sweeten the
pockethandkerchief of patriotism ! ” (Loud cheers.)

Mr. Silk Napper (hatter) proposed Mr. Gentle Smiler. and said
that the Borough was so fortunately situated, that it could not go
wrong, but that perhaps it would go a little more right in electing Mr.
Smiler, as ke was married and settled, and could give all his time to
their interests; whereas a little bird had told him that, for a couple of
months, perhaps, Mr. Bland might be occupied in reference to

Constituencies.)

another union than that of England and Ireland, though it might also
be said to be a Church question. {Great applause.) He hoped that he
had taken no liberty ; for, if he thought he had doue so, it would make
him as mad as the proverbial hatter. (Mr. Bland. “ Not at all, Mr.
Napper.”)

Mr. Eetpier Bedd (furniture maker) said that, in seconding Mr.
Smiler, he discharged an office which made him very happy, but he
wished that the wisdom of Parliament had left them two Members, for
two better men could not be found than the two before them. How-
ever, he hoped that the one they did not choose would soon get a seat
elsewhere, and if he had the stuffing it, the honourable Member should
not complain that it was not soft. {Much cheering.)

The Mayor then looked at the candidates, but neither seemed inclined
to take precedence.

Mr. Bland. Only a little older, Mr. Smiler, but still the older man.
Come.

Mr. Smiler. The son of a nobleman, my dear young friend. Please
begin.

Mr. Bland. The best manners is to do as you are bid, but I am
really ashamed to be the first to address you. Gentlemen Electors—for
all the electors of Pax-cum-Vobis are gentlemen—I feel that if I were
to advise you in this matter, I should conscientiously recommend you
to select my friend Mr. Smiler, for though he cannot be more attached
than I am to the institutions of our country, or more devoted than I
am to the interests of our beloved borough, he has the advantage of
years and experience. But “ situated as I am,” as you heard Mrs.
German Reed sing so delightfully when she favoured us with a visit,
you will allow me to put my modesty in my pocket, from which, as you
know, I have drawn no other arguments in my favour, and to say that
I should much like to be your Member. My dear old father would
like it, and a young lady not a hundred miles off would like it, and I
am not without hope that you would like it also. But I earnestly beg
that you will be guided by your own discretion and your own con-
science. One advantage I have over my opponent, or rather I will
say, my valued friend. This is a great advantage, and I think, though
it may be ungrateful to say so, that it ought to give me the victory.
My valued friend has promised, should you elect me, to afford me in
private the benefit of his best advice on all public questions. I leave
the rest in your hands. (Loud and long-continued cheering.)

A Voice. Ten thousand pardons, and indeed it’s of no consequence,
but the honourable candidate has omitted to mention his politics.

Mr. Bland. Ten thousand thanks, rather, for reminding me. So I
have. Well, you know, I would not say a word against Mr. Glad-
stone. {Cheers) He is a splendid orator, a thoroughly honest and
earnest man, a real friend to the Church, and one of whom we are all

proud; but it so happens--well, as a rule, I should like to vote with

Mr. Disraeli. {Cheers, and cries of “ Nothing can he manlier.”)

Mr. Smiler. Hpon my soul, Gentlemen, I think that you had better
choose my gallant young friend, Bland. He has spoken to-day in a
way that makes me feel I am doing an unjust, and almost an unkind
thing, in offering you a choice. What does it matter to me whether I
come in or not F I live near you. {Cheers.) I know you all. {Cheers.)
I shall see you very often. {Cheers.) And it is not the adventitious
circumstance of being your Member that can draw us closer together.
And, as he has frankly told you, he shall have the benefit of my
advice, valeat quantum. Still, having undertaken to give you the
option, it would be inconsistent with my habits as a man of business
to forfeit my word, and therefore, you will do as you please. I should
prefer your electing him. But if you like, take me for a Session, for I shall
certainly retire in his favour when he, too, shall have settled down into
the sedate happiness I enjoy with yonder good woman. (Loud cheers)
I may as well say that I hold Mr. Disraeli {cheers) to be one of the
most remarkable men of the day. Self-made, he has attained the
leadership of a party not over-fond of men from the ranks, and he has
shown extraordinary political talents, while his books are, I believe,
among the most brilliant of fictions. But, on the whole, I should
prefer to go into the lobby with Mr. Gladstone. {Cheers from all
sides)

N0 other candidate being proposed, the Mayor asked whether a poll
were demanded F

Mr. Bland. Couldn’t we draw lots ?

Mr. Smiler. Or toss up ?

The Mayor. I’m afraid, Gentlemen, that we must go on in the old
way. Mv return made on the writ that Mr. Bland had drawn
“ Seated,” or that Mr. Smiler had cried “Woman, and it Was,” would
scarcely content the Speaker.

A Coarse Voice. Let ’em fight for it.

There was a painful sensation in the assembly, but Mr. Anodyne,
with great presence of mind, sprang from the hustings, and, rushing to
the offender, administered to him a large dose of chloroform. He was
speedily rendered insensible, and was conveyed to the Dove and Olive
Inn, the landlord of which undertook to have him severely pumped
upon by-and-by.

Mr. Bland. He’s a stranger, poor fellow. Give him some dinner,
and send liim away. I may treat him, as he’s not an elector.

I