Punch (55.1868)

226

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 28, 1868.

A LADY WITH THREE EYES.

AFTER THE MELEE.

Oxford and Cambridge, as we
all know, have been called the
Two Eyes of England. We
don’t object to the designa-
tion, whether it were originally
given sentimentally, or be-
cause they contain pupils,
which would be a base and
contemptible jest. Some-
times those eyes would be the
better for a little wiping,
notably when one of them is
blind to the merits of men
like Gladstone and Palmer,
and so dim as to see much in
Mr. Mowbray. But now that
the University of London is
not only famous, but has got
a Member of Parliament, and
has made choice of no de-
bilitv, but of Robert Lowe,
surely England has a Third
Eye. London claims ocular
honours. Macbeth talks of
having Three Ears, and here
is a case of Three Eyes. The
new eye has more Speculation
than the old ones, and evi-
dently sees more clearly what
sort of man should represent
a seat of learning. Mr. Lowe
is hereby apprised that, in the coming Session, he must do all that he
knows; and that, if he takes office with Mr. Gladstone, we look for an
Education Bill. And if he wants to refresh his memory as to the sort of
Bill which Mr. Punch desires, that gentleman refers him—and everybody
else—to the last chapter of Mill on Liberty, which chapter Mr.
Punch takes the Mill and Liberty of saving gives, exactly, what he
himself would have written on the subject; that is to say, a lucid
development of a wise design. Mr. Punch concludes by taking an
Eye-opener to the health of Bob Lowe and his Constituents.

Now trumps are blown, and warders thrown,—forth like two waves
they go.

Challengers and Defenders —crests high and lances low !

Hark ! The roar of shouting thousands—and the ring of shields and
glaives;

Lo! the emptying of saddles, and the splintering of staves!

The dust-clouds fly so thick and high, they almost shroud from sight.
The rushing gleam of plumes that stream o’er housse * and harness
bright;

Scant time to test device or crest, as the melee hurleth past.

Of knights that reel, and knights that roll, and knights that still sit fast.

But now the clash of conflict’s o’er, the great tilt hath been run :
Men’s hard-held breaths are freely drawn, and talk’s pent tide may run;
And eager eyes may traverse the tell-tale field of fight,

Eor count of gains and losses, and fate of squire and knight.

The knights defenders have the worst :• the challengers have won
The prize that waits the conquerors, when the great tilt is run.

But though victor-chief of victors, Gladstone comes from the melee,
He will miss good names at muster, and find gaps in his array.

Where is Mill’s ten-man power of brain ? Where Bruce, with mind
and hand.

Ever as ready to obey, as able to command ?

Where Milner Gibson, faineant in fight, but glib of speech.

Aye powerful at a parley, if of small count on a breach 1

And these are noted captains, who high place would have ta’en,

When Gladstone wipes his forehead, and counts his loss and gain:
Less grave, but not less notable, the blanks your seats display—
Roebuck, the rude and rough of tongue, Bernal, the blithe and gay !

The stalwart Smith of Westminster, with strength that baffles skill,
Hath earthward borne, in wisdom’s scorn, the philosophic Mill :

Why saved he not for tilt the force that all to waste has gone,

In patting Bradlaugh on the back, and cheering Chadwick on ?

Some have fallen to fair fighting, some to might of coin and beer,

Some to the terror of a cry, and the phantom of a fear.

Some to hatred of the Pope, and some to feeling for the Church,

Some to dread of Gladstone’s ferule, some to trust in Dizzy’s birch.

VERY HARD NAMES.

Many of Punch’s readers are in the habit of reading Punch out loud
to their female relations and others whose apprehension of subtlety
needs assistance from elocution. This is a very laudable practice. It
would be well, indeed, if societies for the elevation and instruction of
the masses were to appoint Punch readers, duly remunerated, though
their labour, to be sure, would be, in most people’s opinion, its own
sufficient reward, to read Punch to the people at penny readings, and
in the cottages of the poor. But here is something which any reader
of Punch had better read to himself. It occurs in an obituary notice
of the late King of Siam in the Morning Post.-—

“ Phra Bard Somdetch Phra Paramendz Maha Mongicut, also named
Phra Ckom Klan Tu Hua, the supreme King of Siam, was the eldest legi-
timate son of Borrommatham Mixara Xatharat Phra Chao Prasat
Thong, supreme King of Siam, who died in 1824.”

There is in existence, if not in print, a little book, written by a dis-
interested dentist, entitled Ten Minutes’ Advice on the Care of the Teeth.
It is an imperfect work unless it contains a grave caution against any
attempt at the enunciation of such names as those of the late King of
Siam and his predecessor. Ko less of a crackjaw character are the
seven names of his subordinate Siamese Majesty; for :—-

“ Siam, as is well known, has two kings, and the second king of the country
was Phra Bard Sondetch Phra Pwarendz Kameso Hahiswareso.”

Such names as the foregoing may be regarded as almost as perilous
to utter as the mastication of cheap college-pudding, or the plum-buns
sold by inferior pastrycooks. They are nearly, if not quite, as hard as
the small pebbles which commonly occur in those articles of food and
all others of the same stamp apt to contain gritty currants.

Note.—That the Siamese Kings are not as the Siamese Twins. One
King is above another, whereas the Twins are upon a par. Also, that
the two Kings of Siam differ materially from those of Brentford. A
sub-King and a super-King cannot, with any congruity, be imagined
; smelling at the same rose.

LORD MAYO.

Telegram last iaeek from Italy, “Psyche is waiting for the Earl of
Mayo.” What a charming Cupid—ana what rhymes to Cupid ?

But be the losses what they may, the victory is ours—

The gallant Gladstone rideth, chief of resistless powers.
Queen of the lists, prize of the fight, Britannia bends to lay
Her hand in his, to find therein her guidance and her stay !

* Mousses—housings.

ELOREAT ETONA !

8aid Mr. Punch, as he was walking through the playing-fields with
Dr. Balston.

“ Why is Eootball at Eton a demoralising pastime F ” The worthy
Doctor started. “ Inasmuch,” continued the sage, calmly, “ as it
teaches the boys a vain and meretricious art ? ”

The excellent Doctor looked more astonished than ever he did since
Bolter Maximus took leave of him, without putting a ten-pound
note on his library table.

_“ If I thought that’’ he exclaimed, “I would make the boys
give it up.”

“Nay,” returned Mr. Punch, pleasantly; “do not do that, but do
you yourself give up the conundrum ? ”

“ I do,” answered the Master, responding for himself, as if he were
at a baptism, and had “ renounced them all.”

“ The practice of your Eton Eootball, then, is demoralising,” quoth
the amiable and learned Punch, “ because it teaches the boys to Rouge.”
So they went into Dr. Balston’s house and sherried and biscuited.

Napoleonic Burlesque.

So M. Leher, publisher in Paris, has been condemned to 100 fr.
fine, and a month’s imprisonment for smuggling the Lanterne into
Prance. The Prench Government binds its Prometheus by means of
Strength and Porce. What a very small burlesque of Prometheus
Bound !

What music ought to be played to Lord Lytton’s drama at the
Lyceum ?

The Rifol air. (With his, the Comic Singer’s compliments, and his
tol lol, thank you—how are you ?)