Punch (55.1868)

236

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 5, 1868.

ELECTION REPORTS.

here has been a large cir-
culation of strange reports
affecting many of those, both
commanders and subalterns,
who were engaged in the
Parliamentary War. Now,
when the lawyers, and the
printers, and the publicans
have got in their harvest, and
the bill-sticking (and the bill-

| — „ _sticking it on) is done, there

can be no impropriety in
mentioning a few of these
unaccountable rumours.

Immediately after the
meeting between Mr.Bright
and the gun trade, Birming-
ham was shaken by a re-
port of Mr. Bright having
invented, in his leisure hours,
a new breechloader of the
deadliest quality, which he
had sold to the Emperor oe
the French for a large sum
of money and the Legion of
Honour. The same distin-
guished politician was also
confidently asserted, on the
very best authority, to have
taken a leading part in a
great Duke’s great battue,
and to have shot the head-
keeper in the calf of the leg,
contrary to his professed
opinions on the Game Laws.

Lord Stanley was obliged
to contradict an extraordi-
nary statement that he had
solemnly promised the Poles
Lord Napier and twenty
thousand British troops, if
they would only rise against
the Emperor of Russia;
and he volunteered to show
his constituents at King’s
Lynn ) over the whole of the
new Foreign Office, that they might satisfy themselves there was no truth in the
story of secret dungeons having been constructed in that edifice, expressly for
the reception of such foreigners sojourning in London as Continental Tyrants
might signify their wish to have placed in safe keeping.

Mr. Gladstone (how ashamed and penitent South-West Lancashire will be
before the end of next vear!) gave up one whole day and night to correspondence
in refutation of the following (amongst other) charges :—That, as Chancellor
of the Exchequer, he defrayed all Garibaldi’s expenses, when in this country,
out of the Secret Service money; that he once entertained at dinner Cardinal
Cullen, Mr. Bright, Archbishop Manning, Mr. Edward Miall, Sir
George Bowyer, Mr. Mill, and the Editor of the Star, when the demolition of
the Established Church of England and Ireland was settled in a quarter of an
hour over a dessert, served on the finest old Dresden, a present from the Pope ; that
in his younger days, when Member for Newark, he danced at the Annual Dis-
pensary Ball held in that town with the sister-in-law of a Roman Catholic Earl;
and that he was once found smoking in a railway carriage, and without a ticket!

Mr. Disraeli declared in the strongest possible language that he did not write,
when a very young man, The Maid, the Mummy, and the Mausoleum, in penny
weekly numbers illustrated; that he did not lay, with Masonic rites, the founda-
tion-stone of a Particular Baptist cbapel at Shrewsbury, when Member for that
borough ; that he had never killed a fox; that he did not induce Mr. Gathorne
Hardy to sing comic songs to his own accompaniment whenever he dined with
him ; and—worst of all—that he did not take a new greatcoat which belonged to
somebody else, after one of the Countess of Derby’s Assemblies.

The University of London before electing Mr. Lowe were satisfied, on strict
inquiry, that there was no truth in the allegation that he sympathised with canni-
balism when living in Australia.

Those who knew Sir John Pakington best were slow to believe that he had
for years been in the habit of subscribing secretly and largely in support of
Mormonism.

The whole county of Middlesex reeled under the blow—there were men hardy
enough to assert that they had seen Lord George Hamilton having his boots
blacked at the Piccadilly end of St. James’s Street.

At Bristol, Mr. Samuel Morley found it advisable to publish handbills denying
the tale that he was an admirable performer in private theatricals.

At Carlisle his opponents gave out that Sir Wilfrid Lawson had
been seen in the London Docks with a tasting order.

A rumour prevailed that the Duke of Beaufort had
written the handsomest letter of apology to the Rev. F.
Burges, inviting him to stay at Badminton, offering him
a much better living, and undertaking the entire cost of
rebuilding the school in his parish; but this report, like
the others we have mentioned, was not believed.

The worst report about Mr. Mill was—that he was
thrown out.

THE OLD TOBY'S YOUNG DAYS.

(Occasional Song at an Election Dimier.)

0 those old days when I was young,

We ne’er again such times shall see,

When horse and sheepstealers were hung.

And likewise rogues for forgery !

Then thieves and robbers had their due,

By twenty at a time upstrung;

A spectacle not rare to view

In those old days when I was young.

Sing foodie, doodle, doodle doo.

It is a chorus which was sung,

Before your fathers dreamt of you,

In those old days when I was young.

Then, when a rabble raised its head
Against the Government and Crown,

The Riot Act forthwith was read,

Thereon the mob at once put down.

The Law and Judges then could teach
A demagogue to hold his tongue.

None of your liberty of speech
In those old days when I was young !

Sing, &c.

Our food was cheap then; poultry, meat,

For those who had the cash to buy.

We grew the bread we used to eat;

Were happy when its price was high.

The beer we brewed, bright, brisk and strong
Was kept in barrels, under bung :

No engine ever did it wrong

In those old days when I was young.

Sing, &c.

’Tis true no railways then we had ;

Folks were contented still to keep.

They wanted not about to gad

When they could quiet sit or sleep.

And if they were obliged to roam,

To their firesides in mind they clung,

And wished they were again at home,

In those old days when I was young.

Sing, &c.

People, to travel who had need,

Coaches with ample means supplied,

Or, rather than on foot proceed,

On horseback gentlemen could ride.

The surgeons had some work to do
On them that were upset, or flung,

But monster accidents we knew
Not in the days when I was young.

Sing, &c.

No telegrams, with fresh alarm.

Disturbed our minds from day to day.

Few letters ever plagued the farm,

High postage if we had to pay.

’Tis said taxation crippled trade ;

But land was not so hardly wrung:
Succession duty not yet laid
On in the days when I was young.

Sing, &c.

Much India-rubber we had not,

And gutta percha we had none.

Now we ’ve enough of both, I wot;

That’s the chief good Free Trade has done.
We all did very well without
All those fight wines that up have sprung ;
Drank port and sherry, ale and stout.

In those old days wfien I was young.

Sing, &c.