DOI Heft:
March 6, 1869
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16883#0101
March 6, 1869.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
95
HINTS FOR CONVERSATION.
BR
re you benevolent, anxious to
relieve a case of real distress,
and to lay your head on its
pillow at night, conscious that
you can say with Peter the
Great, that you have not lost
a day F Make known, then,
over your Julienne or a la
Reine, the following piteous
appeal to any one you may
think able to alleviate the des-
titution it discloses:—
\ GENTLEMAN, who dines
Xjl occasionally in the City,
seeks information where good
soup may be obtained, SERVED
UP HOT. He is aware it is a
secret known only to a few, and
he will make a donation to some
London charity for reliable infor-
mation.
Modest gourmet! He does
not crave a loan, or a wife, or
a Government appointment in
exchange for a douceur: he
only sighs for hot soup. May
his soupir not be unheeded !
(N.B. If you dislike that push-
ing word “reliable,” quote it
under protest.)
Not improbably the conver-
sation will now take a culinary
turn—in Dublin the tendency
would very likely be Cullen-
ary—and you will find your
advantage in having read such
old work as The
a savoury old work as
Original, and such a succulent new one as The Epicure's Year Book, an
annual, we hope, will long flourish; but beware of fishing up from
your common-place memory anything so stale as the story of the great
chef who killed himself because the turbot did not come in time, or
Sydney Smith’s receipt for salad, or Dr. Johnson’s partiality for
veal-pie with plums, or Lord Eldon’s fondness for liver and bacon.
The Pine Arts are nearly related; one introduces another. The
pleasures of the palate are in most men’s mouths (one of the few things
in which woman is the inferior creature); the delights of the palette are
almost as much appreciated. Cooks are great female artists, women
of taste, but the ladies who show their paintings in Conduit Street
are greater, at least aesthetically (this once idolised word has been
somewhat neglected of late); so leave oil and vinegar for oil and
water, and touch on the pictures, and drawings, and studies in the
various Exhibitions at present open, with the air of an expert and the
mien of a judge. Next, as a suitable introduction to the politics you
must come to—let us keep away from the Irish Church as long as we
can, for the services there will be protracted and weary—descant on the
meeting of the two Houses, on the coalition of the two Companies,
(like the Siamese with one band between them), under Mr. Prime
Minister Gye, and Mr. Leader of the Opposition Mapleson, and on
the aviary of singing birds that are to make Covent Garden melodious,
with the coming of the sweet airs and showers of April; postponing for
a few happy moments William and Benjamin, Robert and John, to
linger with the Lady Superiors of Song, Pauline and Adelina,
Christine and Teresa. (We congratulate everybody on their break-
fast table being free from “ The Great Convent Case,” and are ready
to take all sorts of vows never to hint at it again.)
For a few moments only! For William Gladstone will be heard
before William Tell; Michael Costa may or may not be Conductor,
but Benjamin Disraeli is now the Leader of a powerful band ; there
is a Bon Giovanni to be listened to at Westminster as well as at Covent
Garden, and the tale of his conquests is not yet complete; there is
more than one Robert, with a Budget not likely to be quite so amusing
as Figaro; and Les Huguenots may set us a-thinking of the massacre
that is impending of Bishops, and Deans, and Pastors without flocks ;
of columns—of newspapers, and divisions—in lobbies ; of manoeuvres,
and tactics, and skirmishes, and general engagements; and of all the
defeats and victories in the great campaign, perhaps another SevenYears’
War, the first shot of which was fired on St. David’s Day, the last
bayonet-thrust dealt—when F The Greek Kalends or Latter Lammas
would be as easy a date to fix.
Drink your Chateau Lafitte, or your Chateau Ordinaire, whichever
it may chance to be, smoke the hodman’s clay or the Sultan’s chibouque,
care no more for the Established Church of Ireland than you do for
the worship and ritual of Buddha, have as little feeliug for Bishops as
for Bonzes, be as ignorant of Politics as of protoplasms, be indifferent
to all parties but evening ones; you must talk, and will be talked to
about Dis-&c. and Dis-&c., and the College of Maynooth, and the Regium
Donum, and the Act of Union, and the Coronation Oath, and Protestant
Ascendency, and Papal Aggression, and Tithe Rent Charges, and
Gladstone’s magnificent speech of three hours and a half, and Dis-
raeli’s equally splendid oration of three hours and three-quarters—
so, for there is no ticket-of-leave for you, incarcerate yourself, and read
blue-books, and pamphlets and debates, and come out as well informed
upon the subject of the Irish Church, as you already are on the laws of
short whist, or the public running of the best two-year-olds of ’68, or
the new regulations as to Court Dress, or the Gulf Stream.
CLERICAL HARD-RIDERS.
Upper House of Convocation
To the Queen a mild address pens,
Groaning o’er Gladstonization,
But not louder than some press pens.
Lower House of Convocation
O’er the mild address of Upper
Falls to fierce recalcitration,
Scorning bit and breaking crupper,
Finds it Gallio-like and gall-less ;
Sprinkling with mere milk and water
Sacrilege—what can you call less,
Gladstone’s conduct o’er the water F
Adds to it a brace of riders—
Moved by canons and arch-deacons—
Pitching into the backsliders,
Who would quench our Irish beacons—
Calling Gladstone’s. Irish measures
Clean un-Christianization;
Wilful wast’ry of the treasures
Of the glorious Reformation.—
Its “Anathema, Maranatha”
Thundering in the old Church fashion,
On the family of wrath a-
bout to encroach the Church’s cash on.
Gently, Lower-House dividers !
Lest folks claw back when you claw them :
And if you must needs draw “ riders,”
Try if you can’t milder draw them.
Hunting men (without implying
Thereby anything censorious)
Say the Clergy for supplying
Hardest-1'riders ” are notorious.
But by Clerics to be chidden
Ends in riling Lay outsiders :
John Bull now, if once priest-ridden,
Won’t stand Clerical rough-" riders.”
A Publicola’s Plea.
Everybody who has the public interest at heart will rejoice that the
Conservative element in the House of Commons obliged Viscount
Bury to withdraw his motion for leave to bring in a Bill to repeal that
portion of the Act, 6th Queen Anne, chap. 7, which necessitates the
re-election of Members accepting office under the Crown. The main-
tenance of the law requiring such Members to be re-elected often
occasions a contested election, which is always a good thing for the
publicans. __
Two Great Works.
The Bundee Advertiser says that since the ugly revelations in the
great Rumble case were published, information of similar mal-practices
has been pouring in on the Admiralty fromall sides, and that Mr.Baxter,
“ the indefatigable secretary,” is giving up his time and attention to
routing out these rogues in and out of the office, at the cost of much
personal ill-will. All Eunch can say is, Bravo, Baxter ! The Member
for Dundee is determined that his great work shall not be Baxter’s
Saints’ Rest, but Baxter’s Sinners’ Bisturbance.
A Bookworm’s Observation.—When a man has got turned of 70,
he is in the Appendix of Life.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
95
HINTS FOR CONVERSATION.
BR
re you benevolent, anxious to
relieve a case of real distress,
and to lay your head on its
pillow at night, conscious that
you can say with Peter the
Great, that you have not lost
a day F Make known, then,
over your Julienne or a la
Reine, the following piteous
appeal to any one you may
think able to alleviate the des-
titution it discloses:—
\ GENTLEMAN, who dines
Xjl occasionally in the City,
seeks information where good
soup may be obtained, SERVED
UP HOT. He is aware it is a
secret known only to a few, and
he will make a donation to some
London charity for reliable infor-
mation.
Modest gourmet! He does
not crave a loan, or a wife, or
a Government appointment in
exchange for a douceur: he
only sighs for hot soup. May
his soupir not be unheeded !
(N.B. If you dislike that push-
ing word “reliable,” quote it
under protest.)
Not improbably the conver-
sation will now take a culinary
turn—in Dublin the tendency
would very likely be Cullen-
ary—and you will find your
advantage in having read such
old work as The
a savoury old work as
Original, and such a succulent new one as The Epicure's Year Book, an
annual, we hope, will long flourish; but beware of fishing up from
your common-place memory anything so stale as the story of the great
chef who killed himself because the turbot did not come in time, or
Sydney Smith’s receipt for salad, or Dr. Johnson’s partiality for
veal-pie with plums, or Lord Eldon’s fondness for liver and bacon.
The Pine Arts are nearly related; one introduces another. The
pleasures of the palate are in most men’s mouths (one of the few things
in which woman is the inferior creature); the delights of the palette are
almost as much appreciated. Cooks are great female artists, women
of taste, but the ladies who show their paintings in Conduit Street
are greater, at least aesthetically (this once idolised word has been
somewhat neglected of late); so leave oil and vinegar for oil and
water, and touch on the pictures, and drawings, and studies in the
various Exhibitions at present open, with the air of an expert and the
mien of a judge. Next, as a suitable introduction to the politics you
must come to—let us keep away from the Irish Church as long as we
can, for the services there will be protracted and weary—descant on the
meeting of the two Houses, on the coalition of the two Companies,
(like the Siamese with one band between them), under Mr. Prime
Minister Gye, and Mr. Leader of the Opposition Mapleson, and on
the aviary of singing birds that are to make Covent Garden melodious,
with the coming of the sweet airs and showers of April; postponing for
a few happy moments William and Benjamin, Robert and John, to
linger with the Lady Superiors of Song, Pauline and Adelina,
Christine and Teresa. (We congratulate everybody on their break-
fast table being free from “ The Great Convent Case,” and are ready
to take all sorts of vows never to hint at it again.)
For a few moments only! For William Gladstone will be heard
before William Tell; Michael Costa may or may not be Conductor,
but Benjamin Disraeli is now the Leader of a powerful band ; there
is a Bon Giovanni to be listened to at Westminster as well as at Covent
Garden, and the tale of his conquests is not yet complete; there is
more than one Robert, with a Budget not likely to be quite so amusing
as Figaro; and Les Huguenots may set us a-thinking of the massacre
that is impending of Bishops, and Deans, and Pastors without flocks ;
of columns—of newspapers, and divisions—in lobbies ; of manoeuvres,
and tactics, and skirmishes, and general engagements; and of all the
defeats and victories in the great campaign, perhaps another SevenYears’
War, the first shot of which was fired on St. David’s Day, the last
bayonet-thrust dealt—when F The Greek Kalends or Latter Lammas
would be as easy a date to fix.
Drink your Chateau Lafitte, or your Chateau Ordinaire, whichever
it may chance to be, smoke the hodman’s clay or the Sultan’s chibouque,
care no more for the Established Church of Ireland than you do for
the worship and ritual of Buddha, have as little feeliug for Bishops as
for Bonzes, be as ignorant of Politics as of protoplasms, be indifferent
to all parties but evening ones; you must talk, and will be talked to
about Dis-&c. and Dis-&c., and the College of Maynooth, and the Regium
Donum, and the Act of Union, and the Coronation Oath, and Protestant
Ascendency, and Papal Aggression, and Tithe Rent Charges, and
Gladstone’s magnificent speech of three hours and a half, and Dis-
raeli’s equally splendid oration of three hours and three-quarters—
so, for there is no ticket-of-leave for you, incarcerate yourself, and read
blue-books, and pamphlets and debates, and come out as well informed
upon the subject of the Irish Church, as you already are on the laws of
short whist, or the public running of the best two-year-olds of ’68, or
the new regulations as to Court Dress, or the Gulf Stream.
CLERICAL HARD-RIDERS.
Upper House of Convocation
To the Queen a mild address pens,
Groaning o’er Gladstonization,
But not louder than some press pens.
Lower House of Convocation
O’er the mild address of Upper
Falls to fierce recalcitration,
Scorning bit and breaking crupper,
Finds it Gallio-like and gall-less ;
Sprinkling with mere milk and water
Sacrilege—what can you call less,
Gladstone’s conduct o’er the water F
Adds to it a brace of riders—
Moved by canons and arch-deacons—
Pitching into the backsliders,
Who would quench our Irish beacons—
Calling Gladstone’s. Irish measures
Clean un-Christianization;
Wilful wast’ry of the treasures
Of the glorious Reformation.—
Its “Anathema, Maranatha”
Thundering in the old Church fashion,
On the family of wrath a-
bout to encroach the Church’s cash on.
Gently, Lower-House dividers !
Lest folks claw back when you claw them :
And if you must needs draw “ riders,”
Try if you can’t milder draw them.
Hunting men (without implying
Thereby anything censorious)
Say the Clergy for supplying
Hardest-1'riders ” are notorious.
But by Clerics to be chidden
Ends in riling Lay outsiders :
John Bull now, if once priest-ridden,
Won’t stand Clerical rough-" riders.”
A Publicola’s Plea.
Everybody who has the public interest at heart will rejoice that the
Conservative element in the House of Commons obliged Viscount
Bury to withdraw his motion for leave to bring in a Bill to repeal that
portion of the Act, 6th Queen Anne, chap. 7, which necessitates the
re-election of Members accepting office under the Crown. The main-
tenance of the law requiring such Members to be re-elected often
occasions a contested election, which is always a good thing for the
publicans. __
Two Great Works.
The Bundee Advertiser says that since the ugly revelations in the
great Rumble case were published, information of similar mal-practices
has been pouring in on the Admiralty fromall sides, and that Mr.Baxter,
“ the indefatigable secretary,” is giving up his time and attention to
routing out these rogues in and out of the office, at the cost of much
personal ill-will. All Eunch can say is, Bravo, Baxter ! The Member
for Dundee is determined that his great work shall not be Baxter’s
Saints’ Rest, but Baxter’s Sinners’ Bisturbance.
A Bookworm’s Observation.—When a man has got turned of 70,
he is in the Appendix of Life.