Punch (56.1869)

7

no PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHAETVAET. [March 20, i860.


the people iu it that Dean Stanley was an ignorant idiot, and that
the figures on the altar were all Guys, and hammered at these with his
umbrella, defying them to defend themselves. Well, he would speedily
be in a police-cell. But suppose China were strong, had a lot of gun-
boats in the Thames, and should land a dashing crew who proceeded
to liberate the Reverend Chopstick Pigtail, and slaughter the
policemen. Only, you see, China is weak and we are strong. Some- j
thing will have to be done on the side of justice. Lord Clarendon j
has given our Consuls some hints that may tend to restrain the fanatic
impulses of illiterate Missionaries. It is due to the great religious
societies to say that they disavow the absurdities of the kind of men
who are so objectionable, but there must be more done. No man has a
right to compromise his country by insulting the creed, or superstition
of another country, and as the Queen is the Chief of Mohammedan
Sovereigns, this rule ought to have been understood long ago.

A Primogeniture Bill, Mr. Locke King’s, was debated in the Com-
mons. Its object is to assimilate the law of real with that of personal
property in the case of intestacy. Punch cannot see any objection to
this. Mr. Henley said that it would snuff out all forty shilling free-
holders, as they never made wills. More fools they. A man who will
not take the trouble to make a disposal of his property, is simply a
booby, of whom no legislature is bound to take care. Mr. Punch j
would go a great deal further in support of this principle, and if it were
carried out in reference to Election matters, nine-tenths of the present
scandals would cease. We would have no nominations, no canvassing.
Let each candidate issue an address, and let the returning officer fix
the day of poll, on which every public-house should be shut up. The
elector who will not take the trouble to learn who asks his suffrage,
and where it is to be given, is a personage whose voice is not wanted in
the selection of representatives, and the man who cannot walk up to
the booth, and mention his own name and his man’s, without instantly
wanting beer, is still less worth consulting.

Wednesday. A fight on the Solicitor-General’s Bill on University
Tests began, and as in the battles of Homer, evening closed upon the
fray, and the combatants drew off.

Thursday. Lord Robert Montagu brought forward his Contagious
Diseases in Cattle Bill. He wanted to make separate waterside mar-
kets, and prevent the admission of afflicted cattle, while the Government;
Bill applies only to cattle after they have been landed. Government:
opposed the measure, contending that their Bill is to be a sort of code
on die whole subject, and for the first time a Liberal aud Conservative
battle was fought,, the result being the defeat of Lord Robert by 253
to 197.

Friday. An Indian Government Bill, introduced by the Duke of
Argyll, and nearly the same as that brought iu by Mr. Disraeli’s
Ministry, was read a Second Time in the Lords.

Some slanders perpetrated against certain most respectable men in
the Eoreign Office by some discontented persons, “bastards, and else,”
as Fuulconbridge says, were mentioned, to be dismissed with the
contempt they deserved.

Mr. White, who talked loudly on a supposed Admiralty grievance,
was informed by the Authorities, past and present, that he could not
utter greater nonsense. We hear that he denies this, and means to
prove that the Authorities were foolish in such a defiance.

Mr. Cardwell moved the Army Estimates. There is a reduction of
above a Million.

Hypothec. Ha 1 Have you, in compliance with Mr. Punch’s gracious
invitation, found out what that means yet ? If not, he regrets it, :
as there was a most interesting debate on the subject in the House of
Lords to-night. If you have found out, of course there is no necessity
for his saying anything in the way of explanation. The matter is really
very important and hypothetical.

A Bill to amend the Law of Bankruptcy in Ireland was brought
in. Dr. Moriarty, one of the Popish Bishops, has written a letter
upon the Irish Church Bill, and affects to think that its result will be
bankruptcy among the married clergy. The letter is a coarse and
vulgar one; and the real character of the Irish priest is revealed in
that of the clown who affects to regret the prospect of seeing “ a
married parson out at heels and elbows, with a lean wife and naked
children.” This scoff at _ a fellow-clergyman is so characteristic of
the priests: of the Affectionate People, that Punch notes it only in
proof of thq venomous hate entertained by the Affectionate People’s
priests—first, for Protestants; secondly, for Marriage. However,
a moralist would prefer that a clergyman should be subject to the
purifying influences of home affections (even if they involve hard self-
denial) than that he should be the full-fed leering roysterer, with a
double entendre ever ready on his tongue, and absolution for every
crime except submission to law. Some of the exuberant zeal of the
Irish parsons may have amused us in other days, but we never insulted
them by placing them in the same category as the clownish agitators
and vulgar libertines who have never taken one step to put down agra-
rian assassination, though a general curse from the altars would have
done it.

In the Commons, Debate on the Want of Education among the

Poorest Classes in the large towns. Stereotype statements—usual
result.

Pagot votes are a good deal manufactured by the Conservatives of
Scotland ; in fact, without such aid they would scarcely get any seats-
at all. Complaint is made, and the defence is of the weakest, but we
are asked to remember that the Anti-Corn Law League did the same
thing. No, replied Her Majesty’s Minister, Mr. Bright, the latter-
votes were real. Well, in a sense they were; that is, they meant pro-
perty which could be seized and sold, and so, it appears, do these
Scotch fagots. But if we take a large view of the question, we may
say that any vote made for the sake of the vote, and not arising out of
the voter’s interest and residence iu a district, is of the fagot nature.
You can’t humbug Mr. Punch, either side.

“ In spite of all your tricks it

Is not in you Judge Punch to do, not nohow you can fix it.”

A Committee was appointed to consider the contracts with the
Cunard and Inman Lines for carrying the American Mails. The
late Government made these, and the new Government does not
entirely approve of them. There is an odd story about some Coals.
As a specimen of the wisdom of Parliament, and the sound and accu-
rate information with which Members arm themselves when they have
to discuss a question, Mr. Punch would mention that Mr. Graves,
champion of the lines, was pleased to inform the House that the
Postage of a letter to Paris now costs eighfpence. We forget what
remark by a lady to Lord Chesterfield drew from that earl the
reply, “ Oh, Madam, I believe only half what I hear.”

A CRICKET-MASTER WANTED.

m,. .MW NE old proverb says, “All

work and no play makes
.Tack a dull boy;” so let f
Jack have his holidays, or 1
he may become a dunce. |
But does not Jack at some !
schools play a little to ex- j
cess ? Else how do you
account for such advertise-
ments as this ?

f \ BAMM.AE SCHOOL,
vX W-R.—Wanted im-

mediately, a Second Assistant
Master, to teach thoroughly
writing and arithmetic, also
j imior English subjects. Must
be a good cricketer and round-
arm bowler. Character to bear
the strictest investigation.
Salary £40, increasing to £60.

How the Schoolmaster abroad—at Paris, say, for instance—would
lift his eyes, aud shrug his shoulders, at a mastership like this 1 Fancy
his astonishment at hearing that a gentleman was paid to teach boys
cricket, as well as English reading, writing and arithmetic 1 Doubtless
lie would next expect to learn that a profasseur was appointed, to teach |
lads to play dominoes as well as to speak French; or else he might '
conceive that, in this benighted country, men learned in the classics
taught their pupils Greek and Latin, and the Art of Self-Defence.

THE CHARITY OF THE STAGE.

It is a weakness with some preachers to throw hard words at the-
stage ; but though there may be sermons in stones, it is rarely wise to
throw stones in a sermon. Charity covereth a multitude of sins, and,
whatever else they may be, actors certainly are charitable. No sooner
do theatrical calamities occur, than help is given liberally by those who
live by acting. To poor players time is money, as it is to other
workers ; yet they never grudge their time in a charitable performance.
Hard-worked as they are, half the best actors in London played at
Drury Lane last Thursday, to help the sufferers by a fire last month at
the Hull theatre; and all who wish to aid in a work of real charity
ought now to go the Hull hog in sending iu their cheques.

Prophecy for Wednesday.

We have carefully considered all the chances of the Water Derby,
weighed each man, examined him as to his teeth and his catechism, the
ages of his father and grandfather, and his opinion of the Digamma
and pate de foies gras. And on mature reflection, we have no hesitation
in saying that both Oxford and Cambridge will show themselves worthy
of their renown, bat that the colour of the winner will be

Blue.