Punch: Punch (56.1869)

June 19, 1869.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

2 55

You may do what you will with your own, but this Bill
Is the Country’s, and so not your own.”

Quoth Lord Longhead—

“Is the Country’s, and so not your own.”

Quoth Duke Wronghead, “Away with such sophistry, pray;

I ’ve made up my mind for a fight:

This iniquitous Bill 1 can throw out, and will—

So here goes for the Row, and the Right.”

Quoth Duke Wronghead—

“ Here goes for the Row and the Right! ”

Quoth Lord Longhead, “ Of course you should know your own force ;

1 but steer after Sense’s plain light:

And by that light I read—’tis an old-fashioned screed—

* Never bark when you know you can’t bite.’ ”

Quoth Lord Longhead—

“ Never bark when you know you can’t bite.”

Duke Wronghead was dumb: o’er his chin passed his thumb—
Quoth Lord Longhead, “Oft ’neath party stress.

The Peers have said ‘ nay,’ when the Country said ‘ yea,’

But our ‘ nos ’ have still ended in ‘ yes.’ ”

Quoth Lord Longhead—

“ But our ‘ nos ’ have still ended in * yes.’ ”

“Ermined caps crowns may guard : and Peers’ heads may be hard,
But if to butt bulwarks we fall.

The pounding-match o’er, we shall find, sore for sore,

We have hurt our heads more than the wall.”

Quoth Lord Longhead—

“ We have hurt our heads more than the wall.”

brought to me), and therefore I think you suitable for the situation.
I have nothing to say against your honesty, provided you are well
looked after, and your morals are effectually guarded by your age and
personal appearance. I am glad to know that you now go to church.
I hope that you will obtain the place, in which your most marked
failings will have little opportunity of displaying themselves.

Mrs. Bang Blundell,
hi.

To James Jones, Esq., Candidate for a Head-Mastership.

Dear Jones,

I can consistently recommend you to the favourable notice of
the Trustees of the Smotheringbam Grammar School. I consider you
precisely the kind of Master required in these times of progress. Not
devoted to any particular study, you have a catholic feeling for all.
Were you a sound classic, you might be tempted to neglect mathe-
matics, and were you much acquainted with the latter, Latin and Greek
might not be duly attended to by your pupils. Did you know anything
of physical science, you might lead your charges to materialism, or
worse, and were you a professor of any particular religion, there would
be danger lest you should inculcate intolerance. As regards your
temper, I have no doubt that your good sense will teach you, eventu-
ally, to control it, and the lesson will be enforced by your recollection
of having been expelled from your last situation for flogging an entire
class because you spilt the ink over your trousers. Thus, yourself
educated, you will be qualified to educate others, and I shall doubly
rejoice at your success, partly for the sake of your family, whom you
will then have no reason to neglect, and partly for my own sake, as
Smotheringbam is 397 miles from the house, and banker, of

Yours faithfully,

Thomas Trueman.

THE BITTER-SWEET TESTIMONIAL.

A CHANCE EOR OLD GIRLS.

The Times had a very good article the other day, in which, in refer-
ence to the Recommendations and Testimonials which friends give to
their friend, when he wants a situation, it was remarked that these
documents are for the most part untrustworthy, as they suppress all
disagreeable truth. Hence, they are but slightly regarded by those
who have appointments to bestow. This is perfectly true. But the
system might be reformed, and then a friend’s certificate of charaeter
and ability would regain the value which a gentleman’s statement
ought to possess. Why should not Testimonials be framed on the
following plan 1—

i.

To John Brown, Esq., Candidate for a House Sungeonship.

My dear Brown,

The Directors of St. Vitus’s Hospital might do worse than
make you House Surgeon. You have been fairly educated, considering
that, your family was a low one; and when you have had more practice
in your profession I daresay you will make fewer mistakes than at
present. I am glad also to know that you have left off the habit of
drinking, with exceptions, which 1 have no doubt will become less
frequent when you acquire a sense of responsibility. When the
Coroner made those remarks upon your apparent ignorance and confu-
sion of ideas, he could not know that you had been at billiards all
night, and therefore his language ought not to operate to your detri-
ment. The patient would very likely have equally died if you had been
to see him : in fact, I think you showed humanity, in the circumstances,
in staying away. I earnestly hope that your canvass will be as suc-
cessful as it deserves. Yours sincerely>

Frank Buffer,
ii.

To Mrs. Switcher, Candidate for a Union Matronship.

Mrs. Switcher,

I do not hesitate to send you a testimonial, to recommend you
to the Board of Guardians of the Pickles Union, though 1 detect some of
your old impudence in asking it from a lady who refused to give you a
character when she discharged you from the place of Housekeeper.
We ought always to hope for the best; and though it is hoping very
much indeed for the best to trust that you have seen your errors, 1
will act in the hope, though I never got back the sheets and pillow-cases.

I can certify that you are a strong, large, healthy woman, quite capable
of beating, single-handed, any she-pauper who might misconduct her-
self, and you are free from any weakness of nature that might make
you uumindful that your one duty is to save the money of the rate-
payers. I daresay that you will have learned by this time to be respect-
ful to your superiors, and have profited by the advice of the Magistrate
before whom Mr. Bang Blundell brought you for defying me with
the tongs. If you had continued in intemperate habits, you could not
write so steady a hand (I suppose the letter to be in your own hand,
though you cannot forget the history of a written character you I

Grandmamma, are you tired of the life you have led sc many years
as a widow ? If so, here is a chance for you offered in an advertisement
which appeared the other day in a newspaper :—

MATRIMONY,— Social position—Any Widow or Single Lady of
independence, desirous of an introduction to the higher circles (through
marriage) may Hear of a Desirable Opportunity. Ail interview with a
lady friend, if preferred.

Perhaps the above extract is an opportunity which some ladies at your
time of life. Grandmamma, would think very desirable indeed. It may
be an opportunity which they would derive from marriage with an insol-
vent old nobleman, or even an insolvent young one, and one not only
young, but handsome. The only question for them to consider, if wil-
ling to marry purely for social position, is whether, supposing they got,
through marriage, an introduction to the higher circles, they could
hold their own in them. That would depend. For instance, unless
very wealthy indeed, so as to be able to empower their husbands to
exercise splendid hospitality, it would be indispensable for them not to
be given to drop their h’s.

From the tenor, however, of this advertisement, addressed to
marriageable women indiscriminately, saving independence, you may
safely conclude that the advertiser (a racing Peer, perhaps) is not at ail
particular, at any rate as to personal qualifications. Therefore, with a
view to treating with him, it will be quite unnecessary for you to go to
the expense of being made, as doubtless you can be, although Madame
Rachel is in prison, just as well as you could if she were at large,
beautiful for ever.

You see that either he is not under any apprehension that the
Married Women’s Property Bill may become law, or does not care if it
will. Very likely does not care. He may be presumed to be a gentle-
man, if not also a nobleman, whose purpose will be quite sufficiently-
answered by any marriage which will insure him, as Dr. Johnson said,
the certainty of three meals a day.

There, Granny!

A Great Oversight.

“ Some disturbances of no great importance have occurred at Besancon,
owing to the authorities having seized an electoral address of M. Ordinaire,
an Opposition Candidate. . . . Several bands of people marched about the

streets up till two in the morning [shouting] ‘ Vive Ordinaire ! ’ ”

Wiiat a fine opportunity for a judicious misprint was here missed.
It should have beeu “ Yin Ordinaire ! ”

A CURIOSITY.

Our friend, Wentwokth Walkington, is a great tourist, and
brings Innne relics and mementoes from every place he visits. Th.' last
addition to his collection is a bit of the Isle of Wight.

i