Punch: Punch (57.1869)

82

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 28, 1869.

Call it a Toy, indeed! Why, our ingenious Friend, Glimmer, has a
Run before Breakfast, and Grinds his Coffee and Churns his Butter
with the greatest ease.

A COMPATRIOT TO CUMMING.

Hech ! Jock Cumming, ye're nae daft,
Jock, ye're nae puir doited bodie;

I' the croon, Jock, ye 're nae safe,
Ye 're nae crackit linkum-doddie.

Na, Jock Cumming, ye're nae gyte,
Ye've nae bee in your auld bonnet,

When ye did your letter write
To the Pop', ye thocht weel on it.

Ye 're nae fou, ye 're nae that fou,
At Rome's Cooncil when ye proffer

Your attendance ; dinna you

Ken the Pop' will scoot your offer ?

What a gowk, gude troth, were he,
Wi' his harns hoo unco' dizzie,

Lettin' you prove him to be
Man o' Sin, an' Scarlet Hizzie !

Hech, Jock, ye're a modest man,

Bein' than ye are nae bigger,
In the Cooncil's face to stau'

Wha propose, a central figure.

As ye 're modest, so ye're braw,
You, while Constance ye remember,

Wha, 1 i 11 Horn', where Pop'ry's law,
Think o' gangin' next December.

Papal vengeance wad ye dare,

Doctrine into dour heads drummin' ?

Eh ! of martyrdom beware.
.Recollect John Huss, John Cummin'.

But they roast, nae mair the noo,
Be that hauds the Keys o' Peter,

Rules ; and a' the Pop' will do
Aiblins will be burn—your letter.

Want Places.

Are you in search of employment ? You have only to
apply at one of those Theatres which advertise " new ap-
pointments."

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

{At Drury Lane during the performance of that excessively prudish drama,

" Formosa")

University Man {in Stalls, seeing Formosa's protector at supper in the
Fulham Villa scene). Why, he's supposed to be the stroke of the Oxford
Eight, isn't he ? and in training ? He wouldn't be allowed to do it.

Gentleman {who has lost his bill, and hasn't quite followed the story).
Very pretty view of Switzerland ! Wonder what lake it is! Very
pretty!

His Daughter. No, Papa, it's at Eulham.

[Enter on the stage ladies of the demi-monde, who enact leaving out their
" h's" and talk generally in a fast and looxe manner. Young Lady
in Stalls doesn't quite understand it. Papa rather wishes she hadn't
come.

Man about Toion {in Stalls). Yes. Doosid bad form, though.
His Funny Friend. Doosid bad Form-osa, eh? {Changes the subject?)
That's a pretty girl, by Jove, in the private box !

Man about Town. Yes. {With knowing wink) That's Lady MotTNT-
street. {They both laugh) She seems to enjoy it.

[The lady in question is ablaze with jewellery, and is accompanied by

two rakish-looking Swells.
[During the scene where Formosa's parents discover her, and she
makes a sudden and miraculous leap, from the lowest vice to the
height of most sublime virtue, telegraphic communications of
incredulity pass between the occupants of certain boxes, in-
cluding "Lady" Mountstreet's, and various fast parties in the
Stalls.

Fast Party {Lady very much interested). Have you got your smelling-
bottle, dear? I can't help crying, really.

Fast Party {Gentleman to a Friend). Gammon !

[His Friend shrugs his shoulders.
Man about Town {to Showy Lady in Stalls). Very affecting, isn't it ?
Showy Lady. Yes ; quite knocks one over, doesn't it ? {They laugh)

The old woman plays it very well, doesn't she ? {The old woman means

Formosa's mother, excellently played by Mrs. Billington.)
Showy Lady's Shoivy Friend. I'm thinking of goine: on the stage

next season. I should like to act a part like Formosa's. Wouldn't I

have a dress ! ! and I'd wear all my diamonds.

[Ultimately Formosa the Bad becomes Formosa the Good, and marries,
if we clearly follow the story {which, perhaps, oioing to our
attention being distracted by the above remarks, we did not) a
young fool. However, we have great pleasure in recording the
excellent

Moral.

" Lady " Mounistreet {in box to her Friends). We '11 go on to supper—
it's ordered. Mount won't be there. Ask for our room. {To her Showy
Friend.) You must come, dear. The Duke's a-coming. {Whispers)
Heaps of money.

[Muck the same in the Stalls, and exeunt omnes to various parties of
pleasure. General moral deduction being Iced Soup, Champagne
Cup, Cigarettes, and We Won't Go Home till Morning—in short
the thorough realisation of an entire Fvening from Home.

PENNY-A-LINEAL DESTITUTION.

A local paper, for want of something more instructive or amusing
to say, enlivens and enlightens its readers with the information that—

" It is a curious coincidence that the names of the Lords' and Commons'
present leaders should both begin with a G (Granville and Gladstone),
whereas the champions of the late Government each commenced with a B
(Derby and Disraeli).

Gooseberries are over, but mulberries are in, and an enormous turnip
could be made to turn up at any time; invented^f not found. A
potato of.monstrous dimensions, described as a "Gigantic Eluke,"
would be a curiosity more remarkable than the coincidence remarked
on in the foregoing extract as curious. So very simple a coincidence
can have heen mentioned at all only in consequence of an extreme
dearth of intelligence.