Punch: Punch (57.1869)

116

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 25, 1889.

SCHOOLS OF HUMANE SCIENCE.

Miss Btjrdett Coutts's proposal to make kindness to dumb crea-
tures a branch of education is a happy thought, and, as such, commends
itself especially to Punch. It is erroneously imagined that the persons
■whose education has hitherto been neglected in this particular, for the
most part occupy a station at the bottom of the social scale. Surely,
gentlemen accustomed to shoot tame pigeons for fun, in so doing
practise a recreation not at all dissimilar, in point of humanity, for
example, to the sport of forcing a pig through a hole which is too
small for him. The higher classes, some members of them, need
tuition in clemency to the lower animals. There are Swells who, no
less than Cads, want lessons in their duty towards their subordinate
neighbours. Education has been described as teaching the young
idea how to shoot. The supplementary education which Miss Burdett
Coltts has proposed would teach the Gun Club how not to shoot; at
least as they are wont at Wormholt Scrubbs. If it taught them how
to shoot, it would teach them so to shoot as never to break their birds'
legs and wings, but always kill them outright, which indeed would
perhaps be more merciful than wringing their necks, in case they were
wanted for a pigeon-pie.

SONGS OF SIXPENCE.

711.—THE BARON HAN WELL OF COLNEY. HATCH.

The wonderful deeds I '11 sing in a catch
Of the Baron Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

He hadn't a pair of boots to match.
Had Baron Harwell of Colney Hatch.

He went to a shop to buy a batch,
Hid Baeon Han well of Colney Hatch.

He stood on his nose his toes to scratch,
Hid Bakon Han well of Colney Hatch.

He took a poker to wind up his watch,
Hid Bakon Han well of Colney Hatch.

He went to the butcher to sew on a patch,
Hid Baron Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

He sat in a ditch and called it a datch.
Hid Baron Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

Thus he attempted repose to snatch,
Hid Baeon Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

He went outside to bolt the latch,
Hid Baeon Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

Then got on the roof and jumped through the thatch,
Did Baeon Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

mobal.

Now who to the deeds can importance attach
Of Baeon Hanwell of Colney Hatch.

THE FOUL-BOROUGH CATTLE PLAGUE.

This epidemic continues its ravages, particularly in the Eastern and
Western Counties. The exciting cause is a species of Acarus scabiei,
the predominant symptom being an itching palm, whose excessive
irritability can only be allayed by Banker's golden ointment. As a
disease of the body politic it requires to be vigorously stamped out.
and we trust that the Commissioners now sitting will put the govern-
ment stamp upon it. Millionnaires who cherish political aspirations
must not be permitted to touch the Polls, except with clean hands.
The Booths to which the Eoulborough Cattle are driven should be
limewashed—disinfectants liberally used in committee rooms, narrow
passages fumigated, and local attornies deodorised.

It has been observed and verified by Cabmen, that you cannot mis
much with horses without acquiring a love of chaff. Nor can certain
susceptible constitutions come in contact with " a Gent, one," &c, with-
out feeling an irresistible impulse to sue for money.

The Eoulborough pestilence originates in morbid acquisitiveness,
and it may be taken for granted that no curative measures will be
effectual that do not enforce a rigid buttoning up of the Lawyer's
breeches-pocket.

MORE NEW NOVELS.

Raee news for young ladies ! The book market, we hear, is glutted
with new Novels. By the help of a clairvoyant we mention one or
two which probably, ere long, will be in everybody's hands :—

The Deal Door: a romantic story by the Author of The Ivory Gate.
My Friend's Grandmother : a sentimental sequel to My Enemy'a
Daughter.

Ins and Outs of Life: a realistic novel, by the Author of Up and Down
the World.

Declined with Thanks: a sequel to the love story of Twice Refused.
The Pie and the Pudding: a domestic Novel, by the writer of The

Crust and the Cake.
In Corduroys and Highlows: a rustic story, by the Author of In Silk

Attire.

Stingy Doings.

Mes. Malapbop, who has read that the Bishops attending the
Pope's great Council at Rome are to receive an allowance, "varying
between 6s. Sd. and 10s. a day," says that she now understands why
it is called the "Economical" Council. She is thankful to think
(Mes. M. is an exemplary member of the Established Church) that our
Bishops are better paid.

conjecture verified.

The Letters known as Newton-Pascal,
Have turned out forgeries by a rascal.

to correspondents.

Duly received 389 jokes on "Mrs. Beecher 'S-toe putting het
foot in it." Enough for the present.