DOI issue:
October 23, 1869
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16884#0169
Oqtober 23 1869.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
MR. PUNCH'S SYLLABUS.
comprising (or embracing, ip totj like) thirty principal errors
under which the church of rome is labouring, "with
references to the authorities confuting such errors.
respectfully prepared in return for the list of eighty
errors imputed by h. h. pius the ninth to the educated
world.
1. That Mr. Punch has any personal dislike to Popes, or that he is
lacking in respect for the religion of millions, although of the less in-
structed sort. [Punch—passim!
2. That he is likely to be deluded into confounding Catholicism with
Romish Priestcraft. [Ibid]
3. That he has the least respect for the (Ecumenical Council, or
would tolerate it except as a means of giving pleasure to a good old
Priest. [Ibid, nupcr et nunc.']
4. That the decisions of the Council will have more weight than the
hooting of any number of dignified old Owls. [Garden of the Soul—no,
Zool. Society.}
5. That more than two in one hundred of male Catholics believe
more than one in a hundred of the things the Church tells us to
believe. [Conve? sations with Young Catholics.]
6. That the sun goes round the earth. [Prof. Airy.}
7. That salmon and lobster sauce are more religious than chops and
tomato sauce. [Francatelli, Catholic Cook.}
8. That what is right on Thursday is wrong on Friday. [Ovid. Fasti.}
9. That a priest has any supernatural power denied to a layma^
except supernatural cheekiness. [Else he would show it. M. Luther^}
10. That holy water has a chance against printer's ink. [M. Luther.]
11. That Archbishop Manning believes that the liquifying pomatum
is the blood of S. Januarius. [H. Walkerius.]
12. That the Catholic bishops in Ireland do not hate Cardinal
Cullen, who was forced on them to the exclusion of the men of their
own suggestion, and that they do not speak of him privately as " that
blessed Italian," or thereabouts. [Echoes of Dublin^}
13 That Rome will extinguish Father Hyacinthe, and that there
will not be a whole flower-show of hyacinth's ere long [Flora Romana.]
14 That the Society of Jesuits will vanquish the Bible Society.
[Vide Reports.}
15. That Caesar Borgia was not the son of a Pope. [A. Dumas.]
16. That English folks approve of Guy Fawkeses because they
annoy Catholics. [Scotland Tard.] _
17. That Guy FaWKes was originally a Catholic, and not a Protes-
tant who was converted. [Hepworth Dixon, Tower, II.}
18 That if the Pope honoured us with a visit he would not be wel-
comed by all except a few fanatics [H. M. the Sultan^}
19. That Protestants want anything more than equal liberty for
everybody. [Russell, Earl.]
20. That they cannot see the difference between a gentle and good-
natured ecclesiastic, and the dirty, scowling, low-browed priests,
creatures to be beheld at B mlogne-on-the-Sea, and in certain parts of
Ireland ; and that the Protestant mind confounds an Antonelli with
a Dupanloup. [Punch, passim.}
21. That Protestants cannot perceive that Catholic newspapers are
addressed to readers of a low order of intellect. [Ibid.]
22 That though the hierarchy of Rome does not believe in Winking
Pictures, it is fit that the lower orders should be taught to believe in
them. [Butler. Paley.]
23. That putting a book into an Index is not the means of procuring
for it a quadrupled circulation. [Publisher's Circular.]
24 That the female Catholic world is not gradually extricating
itself from the grip of the priests, while retaining the true piety in-
stinctive in women. [Recent Sojourners in Paris.}
25. That Pantheism has received a blow in England by the Pantheon
being turned into a wine-merchant's warehouse. [Gilby &■ Co.]
26. That young Catholics can be prevented from learning anti-
Romish truth by preventing their attendance at Secular Schools, and
that the maid-servant who put a piece of paper over the first pint of
beer, and then had a second poured into the same jug, remarking that
they were for different lodgers, did not resemble the excellent Cullen.
[Josephus Miller.]
27. That separating the wretched wedded is not better than driving
them to the bottle, or to throwing bottles. [Lord Penzance.]
28. That if a youngster has "leaped in the dark" into Orders,
before he knew his own mind or nature, he ought not to be released,
and thus saved from being as much out of place as a brass-knocker on
a pigstye-door. [Home Tooke.]
29. That St. Peter will open no letter dimissory unless it is fastened
with a consecrated wafer. [Postmaster General.]
30. That the wisest thing for Catholics and Protestants to do is not
to shake hands, agree to differ, live like good friends, hope for the best,
and regularly read their Punch. [Common Sense.]
N.B. If anybody wants the above in Latin, he may have it on appli-
cation at 85, Fleet Street, between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m. Cave
canem, however.
OCCASIONAL SONNETS.
xxi.-homeward bound.
They come, they come, the pilgrim army come !
From all the points the mariner's compass shows,
Not with the pennon and the rolling drum,
But with portmanteaux packed with suits of clothes.
The engine snorts, the fuming funnel roars :
They start—the old, the middle-aged, the young,
For Albion's limestone cliffs and rocky shores;
Again to time the pulse and view the tongue,
Again to throng the forum and the mart,
In learning's home to mould the coming age,
To ply the painter's and the poet's art,
And give the world the broad diurnal page—
So shutters open, open long-closed doors,
And ready get your first and second floors.
xxii—look on the bright side.
" London, with all thy faults, I love thee still"—
So sang (with one slight alteration) he
Who holds high place in English poetry ;
And back in Lombard Street and Notting Hill,
With sweet remembrances of stream and rill,
Of Alp, and tarn, and moonlight on the sea,
Of Switzerland and storied Italy,
'Twere wise, pent up again, against our will,
In London where three million people live,
To seek its sunniest side, its brightest phase,
And all the charms Metropolises boast,
Till in the solace which the Town can give
In clubs and cooks, in libraries and plays,
We half forget those sunsets on the coast.
CIRCULAE TO POOR LAW GUARDIANS.
Gentlemen,
You are, doubtless, aware that the high price of meat, caused
by the cattle disease, rendered necessary, last Session, the enactment
of a precautionary measure against that pestilence.
It must be equally well-known to you that another malady has
broken out, and is now raging, amongst both milch cows and feeding
stock, a distemper named the foot and mouth disease. The mouth
disease of the coarser classes, which vents itself in expressions sig-
nified by blanks and asterisks; the foot disease of young ladies,
apparently produced by high-heeled highlows, are bad enough. But
the foot and mouth disease of cattle is worse : for it raises the price of
milk, cheese, and butter.
The papers may be presumed to have informed you that great
cruelty (that is, the careless or wilful infliction of suffering, whether on
animals or mankind) has been discovered to be habitually practised on
cattle during their conveyance both by sea and land carriage, and that
there is every reason to believe that this very greatly aggravates, if it
does not engender, the cattle diseases ; especially the foot and mouth
disease.
You, Gentlemen, can well appreciate the seriousness of these diseases
of cattle; because we eat cattle. You know what it is to pay for, and
consume, bad beef at a shilling a pound. If the bad beef went begging
at a vile price; if it were both cheap and nasty, and that were all, you
would know what to do with it: and you would bear it as well as you
might. As it is, the quantity of beef which you can afford to allow
the inmates of your workhouses on meat days, or even on a Christmas
Day, amounts to a very few oz.
If we were heathens, Gentlemen, unblest with the privilege of
Christian light, and if we were cannibals besides, should we not, how-
ever, be more careful how we treat our kind ? Should we not practi-
cally love our neighbour more if we could eat him ? If man were so
high as a shilling a pound, should we not, for the sake of dead paupers,
feed and house living paupers better P Should we not be almost as
anxious about the medical treatment of our sick poor as we are about
that, of our diseased cattle ?
These questions will perhaps come before you at your next general
meeting, and should any difficulty occur to you as to the conclusions
which their consideration may suggest, you are invited to apply to the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which is competent
to afford you all the information that you can require.
(Signed) S. Pancras.
Excelsiores.
The Spaniards are not commonly supposed to be a progressive
people, and yet it is certain that Spain at this moment is the most
rising country in Europe, not even except Ireland.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
MR. PUNCH'S SYLLABUS.
comprising (or embracing, ip totj like) thirty principal errors
under which the church of rome is labouring, "with
references to the authorities confuting such errors.
respectfully prepared in return for the list of eighty
errors imputed by h. h. pius the ninth to the educated
world.
1. That Mr. Punch has any personal dislike to Popes, or that he is
lacking in respect for the religion of millions, although of the less in-
structed sort. [Punch—passim!
2. That he is likely to be deluded into confounding Catholicism with
Romish Priestcraft. [Ibid]
3. That he has the least respect for the (Ecumenical Council, or
would tolerate it except as a means of giving pleasure to a good old
Priest. [Ibid, nupcr et nunc.']
4. That the decisions of the Council will have more weight than the
hooting of any number of dignified old Owls. [Garden of the Soul—no,
Zool. Society.}
5. That more than two in one hundred of male Catholics believe
more than one in a hundred of the things the Church tells us to
believe. [Conve? sations with Young Catholics.]
6. That the sun goes round the earth. [Prof. Airy.}
7. That salmon and lobster sauce are more religious than chops and
tomato sauce. [Francatelli, Catholic Cook.}
8. That what is right on Thursday is wrong on Friday. [Ovid. Fasti.}
9. That a priest has any supernatural power denied to a layma^
except supernatural cheekiness. [Else he would show it. M. Luther^}
10. That holy water has a chance against printer's ink. [M. Luther.]
11. That Archbishop Manning believes that the liquifying pomatum
is the blood of S. Januarius. [H. Walkerius.]
12. That the Catholic bishops in Ireland do not hate Cardinal
Cullen, who was forced on them to the exclusion of the men of their
own suggestion, and that they do not speak of him privately as " that
blessed Italian," or thereabouts. [Echoes of Dublin^}
13 That Rome will extinguish Father Hyacinthe, and that there
will not be a whole flower-show of hyacinth's ere long [Flora Romana.]
14 That the Society of Jesuits will vanquish the Bible Society.
[Vide Reports.}
15. That Caesar Borgia was not the son of a Pope. [A. Dumas.]
16. That English folks approve of Guy Fawkeses because they
annoy Catholics. [Scotland Tard.] _
17. That Guy FaWKes was originally a Catholic, and not a Protes-
tant who was converted. [Hepworth Dixon, Tower, II.}
18 That if the Pope honoured us with a visit he would not be wel-
comed by all except a few fanatics [H. M. the Sultan^}
19. That Protestants want anything more than equal liberty for
everybody. [Russell, Earl.]
20. That they cannot see the difference between a gentle and good-
natured ecclesiastic, and the dirty, scowling, low-browed priests,
creatures to be beheld at B mlogne-on-the-Sea, and in certain parts of
Ireland ; and that the Protestant mind confounds an Antonelli with
a Dupanloup. [Punch, passim.}
21. That Protestants cannot perceive that Catholic newspapers are
addressed to readers of a low order of intellect. [Ibid.]
22 That though the hierarchy of Rome does not believe in Winking
Pictures, it is fit that the lower orders should be taught to believe in
them. [Butler. Paley.]
23. That putting a book into an Index is not the means of procuring
for it a quadrupled circulation. [Publisher's Circular.]
24 That the female Catholic world is not gradually extricating
itself from the grip of the priests, while retaining the true piety in-
stinctive in women. [Recent Sojourners in Paris.}
25. That Pantheism has received a blow in England by the Pantheon
being turned into a wine-merchant's warehouse. [Gilby &■ Co.]
26. That young Catholics can be prevented from learning anti-
Romish truth by preventing their attendance at Secular Schools, and
that the maid-servant who put a piece of paper over the first pint of
beer, and then had a second poured into the same jug, remarking that
they were for different lodgers, did not resemble the excellent Cullen.
[Josephus Miller.]
27. That separating the wretched wedded is not better than driving
them to the bottle, or to throwing bottles. [Lord Penzance.]
28. That if a youngster has "leaped in the dark" into Orders,
before he knew his own mind or nature, he ought not to be released,
and thus saved from being as much out of place as a brass-knocker on
a pigstye-door. [Home Tooke.]
29. That St. Peter will open no letter dimissory unless it is fastened
with a consecrated wafer. [Postmaster General.]
30. That the wisest thing for Catholics and Protestants to do is not
to shake hands, agree to differ, live like good friends, hope for the best,
and regularly read their Punch. [Common Sense.]
N.B. If anybody wants the above in Latin, he may have it on appli-
cation at 85, Fleet Street, between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m. Cave
canem, however.
OCCASIONAL SONNETS.
xxi.-homeward bound.
They come, they come, the pilgrim army come !
From all the points the mariner's compass shows,
Not with the pennon and the rolling drum,
But with portmanteaux packed with suits of clothes.
The engine snorts, the fuming funnel roars :
They start—the old, the middle-aged, the young,
For Albion's limestone cliffs and rocky shores;
Again to time the pulse and view the tongue,
Again to throng the forum and the mart,
In learning's home to mould the coming age,
To ply the painter's and the poet's art,
And give the world the broad diurnal page—
So shutters open, open long-closed doors,
And ready get your first and second floors.
xxii—look on the bright side.
" London, with all thy faults, I love thee still"—
So sang (with one slight alteration) he
Who holds high place in English poetry ;
And back in Lombard Street and Notting Hill,
With sweet remembrances of stream and rill,
Of Alp, and tarn, and moonlight on the sea,
Of Switzerland and storied Italy,
'Twere wise, pent up again, against our will,
In London where three million people live,
To seek its sunniest side, its brightest phase,
And all the charms Metropolises boast,
Till in the solace which the Town can give
In clubs and cooks, in libraries and plays,
We half forget those sunsets on the coast.
CIRCULAE TO POOR LAW GUARDIANS.
Gentlemen,
You are, doubtless, aware that the high price of meat, caused
by the cattle disease, rendered necessary, last Session, the enactment
of a precautionary measure against that pestilence.
It must be equally well-known to you that another malady has
broken out, and is now raging, amongst both milch cows and feeding
stock, a distemper named the foot and mouth disease. The mouth
disease of the coarser classes, which vents itself in expressions sig-
nified by blanks and asterisks; the foot disease of young ladies,
apparently produced by high-heeled highlows, are bad enough. But
the foot and mouth disease of cattle is worse : for it raises the price of
milk, cheese, and butter.
The papers may be presumed to have informed you that great
cruelty (that is, the careless or wilful infliction of suffering, whether on
animals or mankind) has been discovered to be habitually practised on
cattle during their conveyance both by sea and land carriage, and that
there is every reason to believe that this very greatly aggravates, if it
does not engender, the cattle diseases ; especially the foot and mouth
disease.
You, Gentlemen, can well appreciate the seriousness of these diseases
of cattle; because we eat cattle. You know what it is to pay for, and
consume, bad beef at a shilling a pound. If the bad beef went begging
at a vile price; if it were both cheap and nasty, and that were all, you
would know what to do with it: and you would bear it as well as you
might. As it is, the quantity of beef which you can afford to allow
the inmates of your workhouses on meat days, or even on a Christmas
Day, amounts to a very few oz.
If we were heathens, Gentlemen, unblest with the privilege of
Christian light, and if we were cannibals besides, should we not, how-
ever, be more careful how we treat our kind ? Should we not practi-
cally love our neighbour more if we could eat him ? If man were so
high as a shilling a pound, should we not, for the sake of dead paupers,
feed and house living paupers better P Should we not be almost as
anxious about the medical treatment of our sick poor as we are about
that, of our diseased cattle ?
These questions will perhaps come before you at your next general
meeting, and should any difficulty occur to you as to the conclusions
which their consideration may suggest, you are invited to apply to the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which is competent
to afford you all the information that you can require.
(Signed) S. Pancras.
Excelsiores.
The Spaniards are not commonly supposed to be a progressive
people, and yet it is certain that Spain at this moment is the most
rising country in Europe, not even except Ireland.