Punch: Punch (57.1869)

•168

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 30, 1869.

HYACINTHUS REDIVIVUS. A BALLAD.

Till he took to preaching
Doctrines heterodox;
Then upon his cranium
Got he cruel knocks.

Pio sits, like Phoebus,

Throned above the hills,
And the world with daylight
At his pleasure fills.

All the reins of knowledge

Loosens he, or pulls,
O'er the verdant pastures
Fulminating Bulls.

And for Hyacinthus

Felt he great regard,
Whilst Pi re Hyacinthtjs
Was a winning card.

'Till those wanton Zephyrs

Treacherously came,
Making Hyacinthtjs
Play a losing game.

" Popularis aura,"

(So Pope Pius said)
Came and turned the Father
Hyacinthtjs' head.

So upon his cranium
Knocked they cruel knocks

Gentle Hyacinthus,

In the days of old,
Was to Dan Apollo

Dearer than nis gold ;

Dearer than the cattle,

All and every one,
Grazing in the golden

Pastures of the sun ;

Dearer than the daybeams,

Which that lord of light
Opened in the morning,

Bottled up at night.

Gentle Hyacinthus

Perished, it is said,
Zephyrus the jealous

Knocked him on the head :

Hit him with the discus

Whilst he was at play ;
Weltering in his life blood

Hyacinthus lay.

From that crimson fountain

Beautifully grew
Hyacinths unnumber'd.

With their bells of blue.

Father Hyacinthus,

In these modern days,
Got from Pio Nono ' As on those who utter

Kudos great and praise; Doctrines heterodox.

But alas ! the traitor,

Though they gave him rope,
Would not hang himself, no,

Not to please the Pope.

Still, to hear his preaching

Eagerly there flew
Fashionable Paris,

Savans, and " bas Metis."

So they just pronounced him
Heterodox and hated,

From the verdant pastures
Excommunicated!

Father Hyacinthus

He has run away,
T'other side the Atlantic

Little games to play.

Zephyrs gently waft him
To that land of hope ;

Brother Sam he owns not
Any " airthly " Pope.

There he '11 live a new life,
Lecturing Broadway swells,

Whilst there hang upon him
Bluest Yankee belles.

So shall Hyacinthus
Prove the legend true—

Still the crushed flower liveth
With its bells of blue !

TOBACCO AND ITS ANTIDOTE.

Hurrah, Punch, old boy ! Here's a bit of rare good news for us
habitual criminals—I mean habitual smokers :—

" M. Armakd. a French savant, has stated to the Academy of Sciences that
he has discovered a sure antidote to nicotine, in the common watercress. It
destroys the poisonous effects of nicotine, and yet does not alter the aroma of
tobacco. A solution of watercress may therefore be employed for steeping the
leaves of tobacco, and would thus divest them of their noxious properties, and
moreover a draught of the same will act as a sure antidote to nicotine.''

My life has been made miserable for many a month past by a general
conspiracy among my friends to put my pipe out. My wife, backed by
my doctor, first sounded the alarm that it was gradually killing me;
and, to please her, I suppose, my friends have made my life a burden
by solemnly exhorting me, whenever we have met, to abstain from
certain suicide through this pernicious habit. The nicotine, they told
me, was playing the Old Nick with my health and constitution; and
they would not believe my protests that when I gave up smoking—
say for half-a-dozen hours or so—I felt no whit the better for my
virtuous self-denial. But now, thanks to this sweet Armand, I have
them on the hip. Every time 1 buy a pound or so of bird's-eye, I shall
invest also in a pennyworth of watercress. Ha ! ha! cured in an
instant! No more talk of nicotine, nor any other counterblast. To
Baccy ! Let us sing a song of triumph ! Sine Bacco friget Venus, as
I often tell my wife, which means (as I explain) that my love for her
gets soon cooled down when she cuts off my 'bacco.

Yours, old boy, delightedly,

One in the Clouds.

P.S. Won't you, as a smoker, give the French fellow a regular good
uff for his discovery ?

PP.S. Another classical excuse. Jupiter was for
Else why did Homer call him " the cloud compeller " ?

MUMMERY AND MUMMIES.

Everybody knows that a dried head, called that of St. Januarius, is
preserved at Naples; but few people, probably, are aware of the fact
apparently implied in the following extract from a letter in the Post
dated at Rome, and stating that after having done so and so :—

" The Pope then proceeded up to the Lateran Church, where he only stayed
to adore the Holy Sacrament, and venerate the heads of the Apostles Peter
and Paul."

Is the head of St. Peter, then, or at least is there a head said to be
St. Peter's, included amongst the sacrosanct organic remains in the
Lateran Hagiological Museum ? And does that collection also contain
the head, or the reputed head of St. Paul r1 The answer to this question
may perhaps be that it is a Protestant fool's; that the heads of the
Apostles Peter and Paul mean Peter and Paul, the heads of the
Apostles. Very good, if you mean to say there were two Head-
Apostles ; but we need not go into controversy. Read on, and you
will see that His Holiness next went to the Church of San Lorenzo-
extra-Muros ; where :—

" After venerating the bodies of Saints Stephen and Laurence—the prin-
cipal relics preserved in the church—his Holiness inspected the paintings by
the late Fracassini, by Mei, Bazzani, Mariani, and Grandi, and Signor
Cochotti's vast composition over the principal door, representing the triumph
of the martyrs."

Hence it is quite clear that whether or no the Pope venerated the
heads, genuine or supposititious of St. Peter and St. Paul, he at any
rate did venerate the bodies of SS. Stephen and Laurence, or the
remains of their bodies, or the remains of bodies alleged to be theirs,
remains which, as for one of them, should consist of cinders. Perhaps
one of the new dogmas proposed to the (Ecumenical Council by His

puff for his discovery ? j Holiness for ratification will be a sentence of anathema against any

PP.S. Another classical excuse. Jupiter was fond of smoking. | one who shall have affirmed that the mummy of a Saint, made an object

1 of veneration, is a fetiche. If this passes, every rational human being
will be excommunicated.

FALLACY-WORSHIP.

The "Revivers of British Industry" have been holding meetings
in the East of London, at which resolutions are passed attributing the
present distress among the working-classes to the importation of foreign
manufactures duty-free. If this is not a revival of industry, it is at
least a revival of Protection. Considering how soundly that theory
has been beaten by facts, we should say that these " Revivers " must
be the " black and blue Revivers" one used to see advertised by the
dyers. We thought they had died out long ago; and that Protection
was not dying, but dead, along with them.

Don't Pick me Up before I Fall Down.

A Country journal, which, having mislaid it, we fear to miscall,
makes merry over the following lapsuspennce by a London journal which
we shall not name :—

" The Empress was very near receiving damage at the hands of a soldier's
runaway horse."

But where is the mistake ? We don't see it. Perhaps it was a horse
of sixteen hands. We have seen such creatures. Critics should not
be hasty.