Punch: Punch (57.1869)

170

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 30, 1869.

DEVELOPMENT AND DEMONSTRATION.

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Look you, Mr. Punch,—
According to the Academy,
Mr. Darwin is preparing
a new work, wherein the
conclusions, at which he
has arrived in his Origin of
Species, will be applied to
Man ; that is, of course, to
Woman as well. This trea-
tise, by the following ac-
count which our learned
contemporary gives of part
of its promised contents,
although scientific, appears
likely to be popular:—

" "With respect to the races
or so called species of Man,
Mr. Darwin has been led to
the conclusion that sexual se-
lection has played an im-
portant part. This principle
depends, on the one hand, on
the rivalry between males of
the same species for the pos-
session of the female; and, on
the other, on the choice by
the females of the more attrac-
tive males—combined in each
case with the transmission to
the offspring of the characters
of the more successful individuals of either sex."

In all this there seems much of what commends ordinary novels to
most young ladies, and some men. Philosophers, however, regard-
ing it in another light, will be curious to see how Mr. Darwin
traces his series of zoological love-tales from Man through his imme-
diate progenitors, the anthropoid apes, up a line of beings lessening in
organisation as it gradually ascends to a Monad. This, at present,
problematical pedigree of the human species, must comprise a number
of grades or links which, subject to what Professor De Morgan may
say about it, one would compute at some milliards of milliards. Can
Mr. Darwin show us one of them? Can he produce the beast, if not
the insect ?

Mr. Darwin's theory of Development and Da. Newman's, incom-
patible as they are with each other, and diverse in all respects but one,
yet agree remarkably in that one. They both require confirmation.
There is, too, a curious kind of coincidence between Mr. Darwin and
the Pope. They are just now both trying to establish Assumptions,
and they both appear to assume facts that have no foundation. There
are many who consider that the Pope might appropriately decree, and
invite Mr. Darwin to join him in celebrating, a Festival of the Gra-
tuitous Assumption. But perhaps, if they are right as to the Pope,
they are wrong as touching Mr. Darwin. " I said to him, ' Prove it.'
And he did prove it." Such, let us hope, is the modification of Old
Welter's speech, which Mr. Darwin's book will show to be applicable
to him. He will, of course, send it to you, Sir, and you will read it,
and then you may be pleased to send it to me, and I shall read it too ;
so that if be has made out our genealogy to extend so much above (and
so much below) Adam, as he thinks, that truth will cease to be ques-
tioned by your ancient Cadwallader.

Capricorn Cottage, SnoiMon Hill.

QUI, QUJ5, QUOD, ETC.

"Them Fenians" and their friends will not take a hint. Yet
Mr. Punch gave them one which was broad enough. He explained to
them, in a most beautiful picture, in which he hardly knows which
figure to admire most, that Raging Vilification of England, by ruffianly
Irishr.v, was not the means by which the Fenian convicts could be got
out of their gaols. Now, Mr. Gladstone, who has plenty of other
things to mind, has had the trouble of sending a letter to Limerick
(Prodigious) apprising the Fenians' advocates that the Government
considers that it should not do its duty, did it let loose the convicts.
Some folks have no sense of dignity, and cannot take " No," for an
answer ; but Mr. Punch begs to assure all whom it may concern, that
Mr. Gladstone's No means what it says, and that all law-loving folks
in England, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland mean "No" likewise.
When a bad child keeps on demanding that which a parent has firmly
refused, the consequences to that pertinacious brat are unusually
afflicting—not joyous, but grievous. We do hope that this Educational
suggestion will be applied in the right quarters.

YANKEE BIG-DRUM TAPS.

" Reckon we are a arreat people. Yes, Sir. Greatness runs through
us, it du—gin'rally. We've the greatest do-minion, and the greatest
cataract, and the greatest lake-chain, and the greatest railway system,
and the greatest railway-swindles, and the greatest public debt, ana
the greatest hotel organisation, and the greatest showman, and the
greatest bunkum, and the greatest bounce, and the greatest greenback
circulation, and the greatest gold-ring, and the greatest big guns, and
the greatest market-riggers, and the greatest monitors, and the greatest
shoddy-fortunes, and the greatest landscape-picturs, and the greatest
dry goods store, and the greatest expectoration, and the greatest
sleeping-cars, and the greatest income-tax payers, and the greatest
newspaper headings, and the greatest mare's-nests, and the greatest
sensations, and the greatest ocean-yachts, and the greatest trotters,
and the greatest spider waggons, and the greatest mediums, and the
greatest flats, and the greatest revivals, and the greatest pony-expresses,
and the greatest waggon-teams, and the greatest rifles, and the greatest
varmin-traps, and the greatest pumpkins, and the greatest new religions,
and the greatest pew-rents, and the greatest popular preachers, and the
greatest wooden nutmegs, and the greatest labour-saving machines,
and the greatest wire-pullers, lobbyers, and log-rollers, and the greatest
pies, and the greatest candy, and the greatest penitentiaries, and the
greatest drinks, and the greatest school-system, and the greatest bitters,
and the greatest caucuses, and the greatest clam-chowders, and the
greatest canvas-back ducks, and the greatest gold-diggtns, and the
greatest oil-wells, and the greatest soft sawder, and the greatest
swearin' and the greatest prayin', and the greatest rowdies, and the
greatest benefactor of the species, and the greatest steamboat explo-
sions and the greatest railway smashes in the universal airth \ "

BALLADS FOR BUSINESS MEN.

wouldst thou gain the tender voter,

Wouldst thou gain a doubtful vote ?—a

Little purse put on a sofa;

Suffrages are won by art

When active Agents play their part.

Wouldst thou gain a valued vote ? (a
Candidate must pay his quota)
Lift to the Lady-Moon thy gaze,
Trusting in her silver rays.

Wouldst thou gain a timid vote ?—a
Flock of Lambs lead forth, for Nota
Bene, Painters own 'tis meet,
Lambs should grace a country seat.

Wouldst thou gain a tender Voter ?
Seek his spouse—no source remoter,.
Of her sex's sad subjection,
Speak, and safe is thy election.

TWO SIDES TO A BOBBY.

The Daily News announces a "Metropolitan Police Vigilance Asso-
ciation," to exercise a general supervision of the conduct of the Police
iu the streets.

Punch offers them a motto, " Custodire Custodes," and a suggestion—
that not only shall " the members of the Association be watchful at all
times in the streets, especially at night, ready to acquaint themselves
with the facts of any outrage by the police, and to come forward in
proof of them," but that they shall be equally vigilant to mark any out-
rage on the police, and to come forward in their support. It should
not be forgotten that, as there are a head and tail to a bob, there ar&
two sides to a bobby, and that the situation involves at least as many
kicks as halfpence, if not a good many more.

HOW TO CHECK BRIBERY.

Motto eor the L. G. 0. C.—Bus in Urbe.

In concluding some remarks upon the recent election disclosures, a>
contemporary very sensibly observes : —

" In a society which regards respectability as the highest standard of
human nature, thu real problem is to make bribery disreputable."

If this be the problem, the solution is not difficult. Let bribery
be made an indictable offence, and let election inquiries be pursued in
a police-court. Few men like to see their names paraded in police-
sheets, and pubhshed in the newspapers with the heading of " Police."
Only make bribery a criminal proceeding, and empower our paid
Magistrates to award a fitting punishment both for briber and bribee,
and there soon would be a marked decrease in suck offences, and less
need of the ballot which is now their sole preventive.