DOI Heft:
November 20, 1869
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16884#0210
November 20, 1869.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
199
AN ELECTRIC LESSON.
The Wires are up, the instruments are being fixed, and in about six
weeks, we suppose, Loud Hartington will appear in the character of
the Electric Spark. In other words, the new system of Telegraphs will
come into play. The Post-Ofnce expects every Man and Woman to
do his and her Duty. We are bound to send Millions of Messages.
Therefore—as we are to have only Twenty Words for a Shilling—will
it not be well for everybody to study the art of condensation of lan-
guage ? Remember—your messages will not be sent if they contain
too much ; at least we imagine not, as the chances of a receiver liking
to pay an extra shilling or two for a piece of chaff, or an intimation
that Aunt Mama's cold is rather better, are too small to justify Lord
Hartington in speculating on being paid at the door. Now, Punch
has observed that many worthy people find much difficulty in tying up
a message in a small parcel, and he thinks that these long evenings
may be profitably spent in acquiring Electric Literature. It will be a
pleasing recreation for the father of a family to assemble his Beloveds
around the Moderator, and to encourage them to prepare in the neatest
form a message suggested, at full length, by himself. Eor instance :—
Paterfamilias. Now, my dears, all got pens, ink, paper? All right.
Now attend. What I wish to say is this:—"In consequence of the
great prevalence of indisposition, the extravagant prices of provisions,
and the universal demands on charity, the dance and supper to which you
were invited are postponed untii next year."
Materfamilias. What's the use of making up a ridiculous message
like that, which nobody in their senses would send ?
P. F. Nobody, my love, is not plural, and it is a message which it is
exceedingly likely that many reasonable persons will dispatch.
Louisa, 1
Helen, > {looking up alarmed). Papa can't mean to hint-
Matilda, J
Bob. What a lark ! I hate dancing.
P. F. Papa never hints, my dears, and Bob will have the goodness to
keep his ornithology for his schoolfellows. I am not thinking of put-
ting off Helen's party— {in a sly undertone) I am too happy to think
that we are going to get rid of her.
Helen. I will box your ears, dear, presently.
P. F. I can wait. Now, go on, whde I examine these most facetious
pictures in our friend Punch's new Pocket-Book.
[A pause of ten minutes—broken only by occasional mutterings of
" 0, bother /" and chuckles from Master Bob.
P. F. All done ? Now, Mamma, you first. Let's see.
M. F. It is such a silly message that I have scarcely had patience
with it.
P. F. So it appears. {Reads.) I am sorry to say that Papa has thought
proper to put off the party. He will explain. That does not, you see, come
from me, and it does not comply with the condition, which was that
the explanation should be in the message. Women cannot do what
they are told.
Louisa. See whether girls can. Here is mine.
P. F. That looks better. Circumstances over which we have no control
—well done, Loo—reluctantly compel us—no. the circumstances are not
reluctant, dear—to postpone the party until next month. Next year,
Miss, I said. Yours is better than Mamma's, but a failure for the
same reason.
Helen. Look at mine.
P. F. Helen has been writing such heaps of letters lately that she
ought to be skilful in expression. Mr. Paterfamilias regrets—no, he
does not—that indisposition and other causes compel him to postpone
the party fixed for the But you should have mentioned the other
causes, Helen.
Helen. They are too idiotic. The idea of your caring about the price
with an elegant freedom that cannot fail to propitiate the admiration of
any intellectual ears.
P. F. Hand over the effort, and wipe up that ink—not, I submit,
with your handkerchief.
The Four Ladies. Horrible boy ! Ring !
P. F. A moment. I hate to be interrupted, though I ought to be
used to it. Noses damp--
Helen. Bob !
P. F. Grub dear-
Matilda. Vulgar child '
P. F. Fellow-creatures destitute--
Bob Please to observe the alliteration—there's art!
P. F. No times for hops and spreads. Spectalum non-admissi risum
teneatis, amici ?
Bob. Notice that master-stroke. Some little familiarity in the
English, relieved by the fortunate classical quotation.
M.F. {rather proud of the monkey, for all the ink). What does it
mean, dear ?
Bob {extempore). "If guests come here, and can't get in,
I think they '11 all begin to grin."
P F. {proud, too, but concealing the fact). Robert, you are not a
fool, but your wisdom hath not, appeared in this composition. The
prize is with Matilda, but here's half-a-sovereign for you. We '11 try
this again another night.
Matilda and Bob. By all means, Papa.
Enter Jane, to mop up the ink.
M. F. {aside to P. F.). You snub that boy, but who else, at his age,
could have done that cleverness?
P. F. Spilling the ink ? Many boys, I dare say. [Exit.
SOME MISTAKE.
Archbishop Manning, O.CE. (off to the (Ecumenical), has let fly a
parting Pastoral, wherein there is nothing particularly calling for Mr.
Punch's notice, except the amazing and exulting declaration by the
Archbishop that England is rapidly returning to love and veneration
for St. Thomas A'Beckett, of Canterbury! We certainly had not
heard of the fact. There is a very good scene of Canterbury Cathedral
in Mr. Halliday's excellent drama of Little Em'ly, which view, and
the attractions of the play, crowd the Olympic ; but we have inquired
of the intelligent box-keepers (no fees) whether they hear any expres-
sions of adoration of A'Beckett, and they inform us that they do not.
We have written to the admirable Dean of Canterbury on the
subject, and he states that there is only the average attendance of
visitors to the Cathedral, and nobody has prostrated himself over the
little square bit of stone said to mark the spot where the turbulent and
mischievous Thomas ceased to be either. We think the Archbishop
must have made a mistake in the name, and that it is the increasing
admiration of English folk for the wholesome wit in the works of
Gilbert A'Beckett that has been mentioned to Dr. Manning. We
overlook the mistake, as we always deal respectfully with a scholar,
but we must trouble the Archbishop not to call Thomas A'Beckett a
saint any more, inasmuch as Dr. Lingard, a Catholic historian,
informs us that in 1538 a Catholic King solemnly deposed Thomas
from his saint-ship, stating that he had been " guilty of rebellion,
contumacy, and treason, and had been killed in a riot excited by his
own obstinacy and intemperate language." We are sorry to have to
reprove the Archbishop for flying in the face of a Catholic decretal.
NEW MAYORS.
of lobsters ! Looking through a list of Chief Magistrates elected on the ninth by
Louisa. And the utter absurdity of the idea of giving up a party ; various municipalities tlioughout England, it is pleasant to find that
that you might buy soup-tickets for beggars ! j Birmingham has a Prime one, and to read of Joy reigning at Leeds,
P. F. Still, I did myself the honour of requesting you to assign j but a little depressing to note that the Mayor of Manchester is Grave,
those reasons, and when we are playing a game, let us play by i and of Ipswich Grimwade. Exeter is to be ruled bya King, Colchester
rule.
Matilda. Well, I felt that, dear, so I have put it all in
P. F. Obedient child. Voyons !
Bob. Is that French, Governor ?
P. F. Yes, Sir.
Bob. All right. I only asked for information
by a Bishop, and Bideford by a Pedler. There is a Berry at Coventry,
a Nutt at Droitwich, a Thorne at Barnstaple, and a Bird at Stratford-
on-Avon. St. Ives's Mayor is Young, but then Nottingham trusts to
Oldkjjow. At Newbury let us hope there will be no disturbances
during 1869-70 compelling his Worship to read the Ryott Act; an
Torrington harmony must prevail while Loyeband is in office; and
P. F. Nobody wants information more. Take that, Sir. Well ' though Stockport's Chief Magistrate is Wild, at Honiton they have got
Matilda, let us see. " Considerations of health, economy, and philan- \ a man of the right Stamp. Cambridge should be gay with Balls, and
thropy necessitate the postponement of the festivity contemplated on the \ Newport carefully instructed by Pinnock. Portsmouth cannot go
30th instant." _ You are a credit to your governess, my love; and, by wrong with a Sheppard to look after the flock, and Reading has done
the way, here is the watch I promised you.
Matilda. You duck !
well to provide itself with a SpoKES-man. Should we have a dry
summer, Rochester may be glad of itsPooRD, and Riponof its Wells
M. F. You goose ! Why, a stiff and stilted stuck-up message like J nor can Staleybridge be the worse for possessing a Kirk. But of all
that—a lump of starch, I may say—would make people think it was a j the municipalities m the kingdom Hull pleases Mr. Punch the most;
hoax, or that you had gone cracky. ! that enlightened town wisely choosing a Mayor after his own heart—
Bob. Well, / feel that, as Matilda says, so I have expressed myself a Mayor who is Witty !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
199
AN ELECTRIC LESSON.
The Wires are up, the instruments are being fixed, and in about six
weeks, we suppose, Loud Hartington will appear in the character of
the Electric Spark. In other words, the new system of Telegraphs will
come into play. The Post-Ofnce expects every Man and Woman to
do his and her Duty. We are bound to send Millions of Messages.
Therefore—as we are to have only Twenty Words for a Shilling—will
it not be well for everybody to study the art of condensation of lan-
guage ? Remember—your messages will not be sent if they contain
too much ; at least we imagine not, as the chances of a receiver liking
to pay an extra shilling or two for a piece of chaff, or an intimation
that Aunt Mama's cold is rather better, are too small to justify Lord
Hartington in speculating on being paid at the door. Now, Punch
has observed that many worthy people find much difficulty in tying up
a message in a small parcel, and he thinks that these long evenings
may be profitably spent in acquiring Electric Literature. It will be a
pleasing recreation for the father of a family to assemble his Beloveds
around the Moderator, and to encourage them to prepare in the neatest
form a message suggested, at full length, by himself. Eor instance :—
Paterfamilias. Now, my dears, all got pens, ink, paper? All right.
Now attend. What I wish to say is this:—"In consequence of the
great prevalence of indisposition, the extravagant prices of provisions,
and the universal demands on charity, the dance and supper to which you
were invited are postponed untii next year."
Materfamilias. What's the use of making up a ridiculous message
like that, which nobody in their senses would send ?
P. F. Nobody, my love, is not plural, and it is a message which it is
exceedingly likely that many reasonable persons will dispatch.
Louisa, 1
Helen, > {looking up alarmed). Papa can't mean to hint-
Matilda, J
Bob. What a lark ! I hate dancing.
P. F. Papa never hints, my dears, and Bob will have the goodness to
keep his ornithology for his schoolfellows. I am not thinking of put-
ting off Helen's party— {in a sly undertone) I am too happy to think
that we are going to get rid of her.
Helen. I will box your ears, dear, presently.
P. F. I can wait. Now, go on, whde I examine these most facetious
pictures in our friend Punch's new Pocket-Book.
[A pause of ten minutes—broken only by occasional mutterings of
" 0, bother /" and chuckles from Master Bob.
P. F. All done ? Now, Mamma, you first. Let's see.
M. F. It is such a silly message that I have scarcely had patience
with it.
P. F. So it appears. {Reads.) I am sorry to say that Papa has thought
proper to put off the party. He will explain. That does not, you see, come
from me, and it does not comply with the condition, which was that
the explanation should be in the message. Women cannot do what
they are told.
Louisa. See whether girls can. Here is mine.
P. F. That looks better. Circumstances over which we have no control
—well done, Loo—reluctantly compel us—no. the circumstances are not
reluctant, dear—to postpone the party until next month. Next year,
Miss, I said. Yours is better than Mamma's, but a failure for the
same reason.
Helen. Look at mine.
P. F. Helen has been writing such heaps of letters lately that she
ought to be skilful in expression. Mr. Paterfamilias regrets—no, he
does not—that indisposition and other causes compel him to postpone
the party fixed for the But you should have mentioned the other
causes, Helen.
Helen. They are too idiotic. The idea of your caring about the price
with an elegant freedom that cannot fail to propitiate the admiration of
any intellectual ears.
P. F. Hand over the effort, and wipe up that ink—not, I submit,
with your handkerchief.
The Four Ladies. Horrible boy ! Ring !
P. F. A moment. I hate to be interrupted, though I ought to be
used to it. Noses damp--
Helen. Bob !
P. F. Grub dear-
Matilda. Vulgar child '
P. F. Fellow-creatures destitute--
Bob Please to observe the alliteration—there's art!
P. F. No times for hops and spreads. Spectalum non-admissi risum
teneatis, amici ?
Bob. Notice that master-stroke. Some little familiarity in the
English, relieved by the fortunate classical quotation.
M.F. {rather proud of the monkey, for all the ink). What does it
mean, dear ?
Bob {extempore). "If guests come here, and can't get in,
I think they '11 all begin to grin."
P F. {proud, too, but concealing the fact). Robert, you are not a
fool, but your wisdom hath not, appeared in this composition. The
prize is with Matilda, but here's half-a-sovereign for you. We '11 try
this again another night.
Matilda and Bob. By all means, Papa.
Enter Jane, to mop up the ink.
M. F. {aside to P. F.). You snub that boy, but who else, at his age,
could have done that cleverness?
P. F. Spilling the ink ? Many boys, I dare say. [Exit.
SOME MISTAKE.
Archbishop Manning, O.CE. (off to the (Ecumenical), has let fly a
parting Pastoral, wherein there is nothing particularly calling for Mr.
Punch's notice, except the amazing and exulting declaration by the
Archbishop that England is rapidly returning to love and veneration
for St. Thomas A'Beckett, of Canterbury! We certainly had not
heard of the fact. There is a very good scene of Canterbury Cathedral
in Mr. Halliday's excellent drama of Little Em'ly, which view, and
the attractions of the play, crowd the Olympic ; but we have inquired
of the intelligent box-keepers (no fees) whether they hear any expres-
sions of adoration of A'Beckett, and they inform us that they do not.
We have written to the admirable Dean of Canterbury on the
subject, and he states that there is only the average attendance of
visitors to the Cathedral, and nobody has prostrated himself over the
little square bit of stone said to mark the spot where the turbulent and
mischievous Thomas ceased to be either. We think the Archbishop
must have made a mistake in the name, and that it is the increasing
admiration of English folk for the wholesome wit in the works of
Gilbert A'Beckett that has been mentioned to Dr. Manning. We
overlook the mistake, as we always deal respectfully with a scholar,
but we must trouble the Archbishop not to call Thomas A'Beckett a
saint any more, inasmuch as Dr. Lingard, a Catholic historian,
informs us that in 1538 a Catholic King solemnly deposed Thomas
from his saint-ship, stating that he had been " guilty of rebellion,
contumacy, and treason, and had been killed in a riot excited by his
own obstinacy and intemperate language." We are sorry to have to
reprove the Archbishop for flying in the face of a Catholic decretal.
NEW MAYORS.
of lobsters ! Looking through a list of Chief Magistrates elected on the ninth by
Louisa. And the utter absurdity of the idea of giving up a party ; various municipalities tlioughout England, it is pleasant to find that
that you might buy soup-tickets for beggars ! j Birmingham has a Prime one, and to read of Joy reigning at Leeds,
P. F. Still, I did myself the honour of requesting you to assign j but a little depressing to note that the Mayor of Manchester is Grave,
those reasons, and when we are playing a game, let us play by i and of Ipswich Grimwade. Exeter is to be ruled bya King, Colchester
rule.
Matilda. Well, I felt that, dear, so I have put it all in
P. F. Obedient child. Voyons !
Bob. Is that French, Governor ?
P. F. Yes, Sir.
Bob. All right. I only asked for information
by a Bishop, and Bideford by a Pedler. There is a Berry at Coventry,
a Nutt at Droitwich, a Thorne at Barnstaple, and a Bird at Stratford-
on-Avon. St. Ives's Mayor is Young, but then Nottingham trusts to
Oldkjjow. At Newbury let us hope there will be no disturbances
during 1869-70 compelling his Worship to read the Ryott Act; an
Torrington harmony must prevail while Loyeband is in office; and
P. F. Nobody wants information more. Take that, Sir. Well ' though Stockport's Chief Magistrate is Wild, at Honiton they have got
Matilda, let us see. " Considerations of health, economy, and philan- \ a man of the right Stamp. Cambridge should be gay with Balls, and
thropy necessitate the postponement of the festivity contemplated on the \ Newport carefully instructed by Pinnock. Portsmouth cannot go
30th instant." _ You are a credit to your governess, my love; and, by wrong with a Sheppard to look after the flock, and Reading has done
the way, here is the watch I promised you.
Matilda. You duck !
well to provide itself with a SpoKES-man. Should we have a dry
summer, Rochester may be glad of itsPooRD, and Riponof its Wells
M. F. You goose ! Why, a stiff and stilted stuck-up message like J nor can Staleybridge be the worse for possessing a Kirk. But of all
that—a lump of starch, I may say—would make people think it was a j the municipalities m the kingdom Hull pleases Mr. Punch the most;
hoax, or that you had gone cracky. ! that enlightened town wisely choosing a Mayor after his own heart—
Bob. Well, / feel that, as Matilda says, so I have expressed myself a Mayor who is Witty !