Punch (59.1870)

22 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 16, 1870.

MORE REVENGE FOR FLODDEN.

Scene—A Scotch Hotel.

Tourist {indignant at his bill). " Why, Landlord, there must be some
Mistake there !"

Landlord. " Mistake ? Aye, Aye. That Stupid Fellow, the "Waiter,

has just Charged you Five Shillings-too Little."

" THE CUT DIRECT."

(Given and Returned)

When Lesseps planned the project grand

Of cutting Suez' isthmus,
Looking askance, Bull seemed to stand

Afflicted with strabismus.
Buttoned his pockets : cash from him

Forbade the fool to expect:
In short, gave him and his big whim,

Alike, the " Cut Direct."

Lo, Lesseps now, with bright bold brow,

Strong in the " accomplished fact!"
And England, glad to do Kotow,

Backs him, from whom she backed !
Of English cheers, 'gainst English sneers,

Let Lesseps weigh the effect:
Nor, as he miajhr, in victory's right,

Give us the"" Cut Direct."

Magnanimous, as strong men are,

Let him smile on the crowd,
So lately scornful, round his car

Of triumph now so loud !
'Twixt " deed " and plan your Englishman

The difference can detect!
The beau role's yours : you have had ours ;

Now we've your " Cut Direct! "

RAINFALL AND REASON.

A French Chemist, arguing from the fact that great
battles have coincided with heavy showers, has proposed
that, in order to terminate a drought, the attempt should
be made to shake rain out of the clouds by a general can-
nonade. This, with the view, apparently, of getting the
popular mind of France to entertain the idea of it, he
suggests, might be associated with some religious celebra-
tion. We should like to know what Faraday would have
said to this twofold proposal, which, if it were practised,
and found to answer, might rather mislead the faithful but
unscientific multitude ? A French philosopher might not
mind doing that, but a true English one would. We would
dissociate the theological from the scientific experiment for
the deduction of rain. Invoke St. Swithin on St. Swithin's
day if you like, but try your cannonade on some day before
or after.

THOUGHTS OF GREAT MEN.

{Now first collected.)

What can be more magnificent than this apostrophe to "Time " by

Thomson ?

" 0, Time ! thou greatest autocrat of all
Who reign o'er millions and o'er millionnaires,
Despotic sovran of a drooping world,
Wrinkled and worn, and faded as a robe
Blanched ruleless by the Sun's solstitial ray—
Deal gently with this young connubial pair,
Launched gaily on Life's tossing sea to-day,
And now en route for Folkestone and Boulogne:
Drop scythe and glass, and bid thy visage wear
A cheerful smile, as in those jocund days,
"When in the morning of the buxom world
All things were bright, and fresh, and gay, and cheap,
And universal credit reigned."

The almost crystalline clearness of the following profound reflection
of Kant's cannot fail to be at once appreciated : " We are not what
we seem. We are something else, and yet the identical. Our entity
wavers, but our bein? remains immutable. Essence is in permanence,
accidents vacillate. Various in invariableness, with many phases, but
of one unyielding type, we are not to-morrow as we were the day
before yesterday, and a fortnight hence we shall be on our way to
Newhaven."

No other author, ancient or modern, could bring the pleasing scene
which Addison describes, before our very eyes with equal vividness
and fidelity to Nature. He says : " I walked by the side of a stately
river, renowned in commerce, in history, in tuneful song. The evening
was tranquilly beautiful; the sun was departing in regal glory; the

crescent moon rose in the amber sky. The sound of plashing oars and
merry voices mingled with the nightingale's plaintive trill and the
pensive chime of distant bells.

" Seated on the bank, sat a youthful pair. Their hands were joined,
her face was turned to his with all the ardour of passionate affection,
with all the purity of maiden innocence. Wishful not to disturb their
happiness, I selected a path which took my steps away from the tuft
of verdure they occupied, when, turning once more to admire the
glowing west, I saw, to my amazement, my sorrow, that her head was
averted, that her hand was no longer clasped in his. That moment a
cloud passed over the face of the moon. Had a cloud so soon over-
shadowed their happiness ? My interest in the lovers overcame my
unwillingness to intrude on their retirement. I approached, and heard
a slight but familiar noise. My fears were dispelled, my doubts were
at an end. She had turned away her face, and withdrawn her hand-
to sneeze! "

A Warning to Waiters.

by a frequent diner-out.

Ye, at tables small or great,

Who stand behind our chairs in state,

Ne'er be slow to change a plate,

Ne'er be heedful of our prate,

Never breathe upon our pate,

" Learn to labour and to wait."

oecumenical and canine.

Warm work as well as words may be anticipated at Rome if the
debate on Infallibility is to go on, so that the Pope's proposed dogma
shall be discussed during the dog-days.