Punch (59.1870)

December 31, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

273

Old Gent, {nervous). "Bad thing, Whiskey, foe Shaving!"
Barber. " Ou ay—atweel it is—mars tbe Skin unco' Tender ; but I'll
tak' great Care."

VEBDICT—IN RE CAPTAIN.

A house divided 'gainst itself, indeed,

Is that which John Bull's wooden walls controls :
With Childers minuting sly digs at Reed :

And with Reed calling Childers o'er the coals.

One thing seems clear, from minutes and replies,

Left, to cool down, and passed through non-conductors ;

That of the Captain's loss the credit lies
Alike at " my Lords'" doors, and their constructor's.

Heat had bred heat, and quarrel quarrel fanned ;

Servant who could not rule, rose on his chief;
The Reed Lords would not lean on pierced their hand,

And 'twist two schools the Captain came to grief!

Bequeathing us a total in her lost

Unto which no arithmetic arrives.
Who to the hundred thousands that she cost,

Can add the worth of her five hundred lives?

Happy for you, my Lords, and you, my Laird,
And you, Controller, Ex-Constructor, too,

Each so much of this un-summed debt is spared,
As from the others rightfully is due.

What odds at whose door heaviest blame should lie F
What should To pet, to partisanship, fall—

To those who swelled, or those who feared, a cry ?
Enough, that all the blame rests on you all.

december the twenty-second.

Mrs. Malaprop is a very just person, and never favours
anyone unduly. She, therefore, did not approve of the
eclipse being " partial," and thinks the astrologers ought
to have known better than to have taken any notice of it.

Quite in its Line.—The Builder, it is said, is to have
an article on the old Moktara case. Something about
Bricks and Mortara, of course.

The Worst Kind of Conundrum.—Riddling with
Cannon-shot.

WOMAN'S WOEK IN THE EAST.

Why is Civilisation like a Crab ? The answer is almost too obvious
to be mentionable, but we will venture to say, "Because civilised
Europe is going backwards." On the other hand, uncivilised Europe,
that was, is making a degree of progress whereof the magnitude may
be inferred from the following news -.—

"A Lady Lecturing in Constantinople.—The Neologos of Constanti-
nople, of the 1st inst., says that in the first winter sitting of the Heltenikos
I'hilologos Syllogos of Constantinople, Madame Dora d'Isteja, an honorary
member, delivered a lecture, in Greek, upon epic poetry and the works of M.
Gervesio. This is the first time that the City of the Sultan has seen a
literary entertainment in which a lady took the principal part."

The wonderful social changes likely to be wrought in Turkey by the
growing self-assertion of Woman, may be expected to result in nothing
less than the conversion of the Turks. Turkish women will endeavour
to vie with Greek in the display of their mental powers. They will
take to lecturing too, and, deriving ideas from intercommunication
with their Eoglish sisters, go on to occupy themselves with Penny
Readings and other High Intellectual Treats. By-and-by, strong-
minded Womanhood will have developed itself among the better half
of the Sultan's subjects. Eatima and Leila will harangue public
meetings in advocacy of Woman's Rights, and demand to be eligible
to a seat in the Divan, and the office of Grand Vizier. Seeing these
things, and knowing that the Eouuder of their Creed never dreamt of
them, the Mussulmans will perceive that Mahomet was no prophet.
Thus a chink will have been made for the thin end of the Missionary
wedge. To make it is evidently, in Turkey, the mission of Woman.

A TRAGICAL TALE.

There was no doubt she did it. It could not be concealed. Traces
of it were too evident. Indeed she did not attempt to deny it. No
one was by when it was done. Her mistress had only been speaking to
her a few minutes before it happened. She was detected in the very
act. A policeman was passing at the moment, and saw her through the
area railings at the kitchen window. She was hardened enough to lookup
from what she was doing and smile, and nod to him. It came out that
this was not the first time. And she declared she would repeat it. It
was cleverly done. In a very brief space of time all signs of it would
have disappeared. Yes, there could be no doubt of it—the law must
take its course—she had smothered—a rabbit in onions !

WANT OF TACT.

Rhyme and no Reason Whatever.

Who'll be a Moblot ?
1 will, saj s Bob Lowe.

To Catholics.—Is the Cook in a Convent a Professed Cook ?

Arguing with an opponent who is lame, and assuring him that he
has not a leg to stand on.

Telling a man with only one eye (in an insinuating way) that you
would like to get on his blind side.

Urging a friend who stammers not to hesitate to express his opinion.

Declaring to the possessor of a false set that you mean to do it in
spite of his teeth.

Informing an acquaintance, who never has his glass out of his eye,
that you consider he takes a very short-sighted view of things.

Telling a man who squints that you are sorry you cannot see the
matter as he sees it.

A Problem for the Entomological Society.

Mrs. Ramsbotham desires to know if Caterpillars are attracted to
particular localities merely by the force of Caterpillary Attraction ?

The Best Share in a Earm.—The Plough-share.