Punch (59.1870)

August 6, 1870.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

55

THE DEAD SHOT AT DOVES.

I call it, hard labour to carry a gun
Out shooting for hours iu the heat of the sun,
Through stubble, and turnips, or heather to stride,
To stalk the broad acres and scale the hill-side,
Jn velveteen, fustian, or shepherd's plaid suits,
And coarse leather gaiters and clodhopping boots.

You'll never catch me beating cover or moor,
Exertion like that 1 consider a bore.
The thought of my cheeks and brow streaming and red
Appals me with horror, o'erwhelms me with dread:
Perspire like a navvy whom work has made hot?
Get tanned as a carter does ? Much rather not.

No; give me the Scrubbs, or a smooth-shaven lawn,
And pigeon in trap, with a cord to be drawn ;
No dogs to toil after, but, cool and serene,
Kid-gloved and glazed-booted, place me on the green,
Before my box, posted in turn at the scratch,
A concourse assembled to witness our match.

The daughters of Fashion in brilliant, array,
Beholders, their dresses and graces display.
To transport excited I feel, while [ blaze,
The object admired of their languishing gaze.
With both barrels cocked, in position, eyes right,
Oh, then, I enjoy a true sportsman's delight!

Out, flutters the pigeon when pulled is the string;

Bang, bang! and 1 " tailor," or " rake " him and wing.

The odds of the betting run high on my skill,

Unless I but cripple more doves than 1 kill.

The ladies applaud my precision of aim;

Next morning my prowess the papers proclaim.

Crack shots there are many that love a battue ;

And that is great sport with small trouble, 'tis true.

But, like pigeon-shooting, no shooting can please

A gentleman liking to shoot at his ease,

Of killing, because he prefers the mere fun—

Hooray for our " Club," that is known as " The Gun !"

HIGH JINKS. Prussian Army Tailors.

The term " tailoring," in the language of pigeon-shooters,
means, we suppose, effectually shooting the pigeon. It is
Country Photographer. "The Heyes might be Heleyated a little 'Igher, ,a piece of slang by which the Prussians might aptly describe

yooe Eeyeeence ! ! " | the work of their needle-gun.

the rev. alban rochet has his photograph taken in " full ritualistic

fig" to present to his flock.

THE CENSUS.

A People's Bill, the Census Bill, has been passing through Com-
mittee in the House of Commons. Members tried to enlarge its scope,
and make the information it is to produce rather more amusing;
but not with much success, the House rejecting proposals to persuade
us all, on a certain day in the month of April next, to confide to the
Pusgistrar General to what religious community we belong; whether
we have married our first cousin; how many rooms there are without
windows in our house, &c.

It appears to Mr. Punch that an excellent opportunity of obtaining a
large mass of valuable statistical facts, bearing on the prosperity and
national resources of the country, is likely to be lost for another ten
years; and he, therefore, suggests to the House of Lords the pro-
priety of their introducing into the Bill, when it comes before them,
some such list of questions as the following, the answers to which
would prove far more interesting than mere commonplace everyday
details of name, age, sex, profession, or occupation, relation to head of
family, &c.:—

1. Are you engaged ?

2. What tooth-powder do you use ?

3. Does your mother-in-law reside under your roof; and do you find
his arrangement, conducive to domestic happiness ?

4. Do you keep Christmas ?

5. Are you on friendly terms with your wife's relations ? State the
number of meals they have taken in your house during the last three
weeks.

6. How many false teeth have you ?

7. Are you homoeopath, allopath, hydropath, thermopath, or Turco-
bat.h ?

8. Which of the many kinds of cocoa do you prefer ?

9. What allowance do you make your wife; and does she make it
do ?

10. Do you wash by the piece or the year ?

11. How often in the week last preceding the 2nd of April, 1871, had
you cold meat for dinner ?

12. What number of servants do you keep; and how many times
have you changed them during the last three months ? What are your
arrangements with them as to tea, sugar, beer, their own washing, ami
the area-gate ? Do you allow followers ?

13. Are you troubled with black beetles ; and what have you found
to be the most efficacious means of destroying them ?

14 How many poor relations have you ?

15 What cough lozenges do you employ ?

16. Were you married by banns or licence ? How many brides-
maids added to the expense? What was the duration of your court-
ship ? Where did you spend your honeymoon ; and how long did it last?

17. Do you take snuff?

18. Is the hair you wear all your own ? (This question is not com-
pulsory on ladies.)

19. Which daily paper do you read ?

20. Do you belong to the Civil Service Supply Association ?

21. Have you any expectations from wealthy relatives ?

22. Do you wear screwed boots ?

23. Do you suffer from indigestion?

24. Are you a smoker; and which do you prefer, a pipe or a cigar ?

25. Are you High Church, Low Church, Broad Church, Narrow
Church, Past Church, Slow Church, or No Church?

26. Have you ever visited Sir John Soane's Museum ?

27. Do you take sugar in your tea ?

28. Do you take Punch ?

a word from the wise.

" Music first, and dancing afterwards," said a diner-out, "'is simply
gamut and spinnidge."