Punch (59.1870)

167

UNVARNISHED TRUTH.

Wife (No. 3). "Now, on tour Word and Honour, Dear, did not you
Like tour Two former Wives better than you do me?"

Husband. " Certainlt not, my Love. The Present's always the Eest !"

COMYCKE CLASSICKS.

Phaetbcn, or ye Fast Young Grecian Gentleman: his
rapid Career and Atcfal End.

[Being a Specimen of the mode in which the divine Myths of the
Classical GEons may be adapted to the use of the least
educated.]

A past young man was Phaethon.

Quoth he, "It's humbug hollow
That fuss the f/cmis homo makes

About my Pa, Apollo.

"Call him a whip ! " he said, with scorn,

And accents contumelious,
Because he just drives up and down

The sky them prads of Helios.

<:I'd tool 'em just as well myself;

Nay more, I '11 bet a fiver,
I'd make the folks on earth confess

That I'm the better driver."

And so lie filled Olympus full

With such-like bumptious fibbins—

'Till Hon Apollo riled and said,
"Here, hang it, take the nbbins."

&c, &c, &c.

NOT A FRIEND IN EUROPE!

" Yah l Whom do you expect to help you when you
have to fight for your ludian Empire, or go to war in
defence of Turkey ? "

Dear foreigners, then, do you think it possible that such
degenerate, ignoble, spiritless creatures as we have come
to be shall ever, under any circumstances whatever, fight
on any account, if we can preserve peace by submission or
surrender ?

And what amount of verdure, GentlemeD, do you discern
in the eye of John BwLLto make you imagine him capable
of expecting any assistance, even in return for the utmost
he could afford, from any of you, if he were to get involved
in any war whatsoever, except the assistance which you
would be sure to render, those of you who might fear, for
your own sakes, that he wouldn't be able to do without it?

HOPE FOE THE FUTURE.

Mr. Punch,

A well-known quarter of Her Majesty's possessions, not a
hundred miles from the Bay of Dublin, will be in a blaze, a ferment, an
uproar, or whatever else you like to print as expressive of popular ex-
citement, when some news, which is now delighting the inhabitants of
an old-established and not altogether worn-out country, gets into papers
which are certainly not remiss in making the most of national slights
and grievances, real or imaginary, and into conversation which bears a
high character for brogue and blarney—news relating to a young and
Royal lady, who has a triad of charming names in "Louise Caroline
Alberta," and a gentleman who was " educated at Eton and Trinity
College, Cambridge, has sat in the Liberal interest for Argyllshire, and
was formerly Captain in the Loudon Scottish Rifle Volunteers," and is
now the luckiest young fellow in the Queen's dominions.

The Princess Louise is engaged to be married to—a Scotchman !
Another slight for poor old Ireland, another link riveted on to those
galling fetters which England is ever forging for oppressed Erin,
another buffet for down-trodden and vapulated Hibernia, another bitter
pill for the green, grieved isle !

Will there not be meetings, processions, speeches, petitions, flags,
banners, torches, tar-barrels, national tunes, and stout shillelaghs
Will there not be an increase of the tide of emigration and the stream
of whiskey ? Yvlll there not be a revival of the burning desire for a
National Parliament in Dublin, and a renewal of the clamorous agita-
tion for a divorce from this tyrannical country ? If not, then potatoes
have no eyes, and buttermilk is not good for the complexion, and Irish
bacon will never again hiss in English frying-pans; unless — and
nothing but the value which I set on the suggestion I am now about
to make, would have induced me to leave a very comfortable easy chair
for my writing-desk — Her Majesty's advisers immediately issue a
proclamation, or an order in Council, or a Gazette Extraordinary, or a
latest telegram, or whatever may be the most weighty and impressive
document available in the Parliamentary vacation, reminding the people

of Ireland that there is still a Princess left, and binding themselves
and their successors to employ every constitutional means to secure
the happiness, in years to come, of some good and young and hand-
some Irish Duke or Marquis by a Royal alliance, and a Royal Wed-
ding within the walls of St. Patrick's, to abound in Irish laces, and
Limerick gloves, and K. P.'s, and poplins, and shamrocks, and the
best of wishes, and the best of omens lor a bright and prosperous
future.

Let them do this and they will allay the storm, quell the tempest,
pour oil on the troubled waters, calm the ruffled sea, quench the rising
flames, extinguish the torch of discord, sweeten the cup of adversity,
and spread universal contend and satisfaction from Cape Clear to the
Giant's Causeway, from the mountains of Wicklow to the echoes on
the Lakes of Killarney. I remain, Reverend Sir, yours respectfully,

Joseph William Peaceley.

SISTERS OF THE SCALPEL.

O dear Mr. Punch! In reading the Morning Post what do you
think ? 1 met with this shocking paragram, don't you call it P from

the British Medical Journal: —

" Dissection for Ladies.—Six ladies are, we understand, now busy
dissecting a female subject in Dr. Uandyside's Practical Anatomy Hoom."

Milliners may cut the body up, and LeFotlet, the other day, described
it as open in front; but ior women to pick oue another to pieces in a
Practical Anatomy Room is too dreadful. Ugh! Ever your affectionate,

Rosa.

politics of the pavement.

Decent Man. Torchlight meeting! Why torchlight P
Demonstrative Cad. Anything for a flare-up.