DOI Heft:
July 16, 1870
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16886#0042
32 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARTVA.RI. [July 16, 1870.
A CITY POET WANTED.
Courteous Mr. Punch,
T. daily find three columns of mv newspaper made utterly-
unreadable by being filled with statements about dealings in the money
market, and the price of stocks and shares, and similar dry details with
no kind of human interest, except to bulls and bears and creatures of
that sort. Now, if for their sake it be needful to impart such informa-
tion, it might surely be conveyed in a manner less prosaic than that
which is adopted. Without the slightest sacrifice of stockbrokers'
slangography, or in any way abandoning the dull stupid business terms
THE ALABAMA CASE AS IT MIGHT HIVE BEEN.
General Grant's statesmanlike exposition with reference to Cuba,
of the conditions which should determine, or forbid, recognition of bel-
ligerency, ought to estop his countrymen from letting us hear any more
of their complaints about our unfriendliness in recognising the Con-
federates as belligerents during the American Civil War. It ought,
but it won't. Our American brothers are as illogical in their way as
we are in ours, which is saying something.
Suppose, when the war between North and South first broke out,
we had done all that Mr. Seward and Mr. Sumner could have
which are so much in civic usage, City news might be recorded in a >■ wished ? Suppose we had called the war " a rebellion," and the Con-
gay poetic fashion, and thus be rendered less offensive to persons like federates " rebels " ? Suppose we had, nevertheless, recognised the
mjseif who take no particle of interest in it. I subjoin a specimen of
what a City Poet might report, and, in the hope that your contempo
raries may act upon my hint, I subscribe myself,
Yours humbly,
Apollo Milton Smith.
A CHANT PROM THE CITY.
Would you know the ruling price now
Of each British stock aud share ?
List to me, and in a trice now
I their value will declare.
Thus may you gain information
How your money to invest;
But beware of speculation,
Which so many hath distrest.
Consols yesterday were flatter,
Aud at ninety-two were done :
Duller still Reduced, the latter
Beaching barely ninety-one.
Bank Stock too an eighth receded,
And in sympathy with these
A diminution must be heeded
Of a quarter in New Threes.
]n Railways scarce deserving mention
Were the changes that were made :
Brightons first received attention,
Then were flatter by a shade.
Caledonians, be it, noted,
Had a brisk and buoyant air:
But Great Easterns must be quoted
As declining one per share.
Of Mining Shares the market's fuller,
So at less coat buy you can ;
Pirm, however, stood Wheal Puller,
Dull was poor Wheal Mary Ann.
In gas the bearish operators
For a fall achieved their turn
Federal blockade of the Confederate ports ? Suppose the Quee-n had
issued a proclamation forbidding all her subjects to give any assistance
to the Southern traitors in arms aeainst the sovereignty of the United
States ? Suppose a new foreign Enlistment Act had been immediately
passed, the Alabama seized, and her builders fined r1
What would have been the consequences of sympathy thus partially
demonstrated by our Government towards the North ?
In the first place, an immediate row here. Exasperation on the part
of the British Public. Transference of its entire sympathy to the
South. Overthrow of Government. Change of Ministry. Demand
of a party for intervention concurred in by the people at large. Louis
Napoleon's overtures perhaps agreed to. And what then ?
Well; France and England too would, perhaps, have been licked
into a cocked hat. But what—and this is especially the point for the
Sewards and Sumners to consider—what would have happened if
the British Government, in its active sympathy with the North, had
been enthusiastically supported by the British nation ? What then ?
All the American Irishmen in the States, almost, would have assuredly
gone over to the South, except some who might have hesitated to take
part against England from doubts as to the certainty of pay and
plunder.
And then what would have been the issue of the struggle for tlu*
Unity of the great American Republic, and the cause of Freedom ?
COMING LITERARY EVENTS.
Some writers seem to think there is great virtue in a title, although
they have been told that there is not much in a name. As a heading
for advertisements, they look out for something striking to hit the
popular taste, perhaps believing that Ce n'est que la premiere page qui
coute. Like conveyancers, they hold that very much depends upon
getting a good title; and we are therefore not surprised at hearing
through the medium of a literary clairvoyant, that our circulating
libraries will be ere long enriched by the following new works :—
Skimmed Milk: a Domestic Story, by the Author of Below the Surface.
The Tubbing Rooms of Trinidad: a Sketch m Water Colours, published
as a sequel to The Baths and Wells of Europe
Light a Lucifer: a Sensation Story, to follow After Bark
So beware ve speculators ' Chums of my Society; descriptive Essays to accompany Companions of
Lest with gas your fingers barn.
Banks were brisk, but Docks were slower.
Telegraphs improved a shade;
Discounts being quoted lower,
Many purchases were made. Flare.
my Solitude.
A Clipboard full of Chronicles: compiled by the Author of A Storehouse
of Stories.
Vacations among Valets: a Companion Work to LLolidays on Highlands.
Step into his Shoes: a Sequel to the Popular Novel Put Yourself in his
Tame Life in a Milhvalk .- a Book of London Travel, written as a Com-
panion to Wild Life among the Kurds.
Other falls there '11 be, aud rises,
So 1 end as I began,
When you want to know the prices
In the City, I'm your man !
Tables Not Mahogany.
An Illiberal Old Gentleman. A Book, or pamphlet, is advertised under the name of Income-Tax
" Educate the Street Boys-1 beg vour pardon, the Street Arabs- i Taf es- ;'^e ™lcu]atiiig reader will perhaps misunderstand the
teach them reading, writing and arithmetic! What then, Sir p » mature of the Tables so called. He may possibly imagine that Income-
demanded Mr. Scroggs " Reading ?—they will read the Police News Jax are ^e brealdasfc dmue? tablf? °f !he Great Exempt
and the Lives of the Highwaymen. Writing ?- they will write Glad- I from the Income-tax, spread with luxuries which they enjoy at the
stone on the shutters, and Bob Lowe on the walls, ' No Popery,' j exPense ot the classes amerced by it
and other street Arabic. Arithmetic ?—the Street Arabs will only do
more addition sums on my gate-posts, besides drawing Street Ara-
besques, and scrawling ' Old Scroggs is a fool'" Information Wanted.
Will some expert tell us what " the Dive Downes Manuscript " is ?
Is it a record of researches at the bottom of the sea, or merely a MS.
account of expeditions in the Bell that is, or was, at the Polytechnic ?
Malaprop on the Mersey.
compounded geology.
Mrs. Ramsbotham (Mrs. Malaprop's friend) read in a newspaper
that at Liverpool, on the 4th instant, the principal houses of business,
shipping oflices, and American ships in port, were adorned with a fine
display of bunting in honour of " Independence Day." In quoting this In relation to the (Ecumenical Council, it may be well to mention for
intelligence she stated, that the caravanserai of American Independence | the benefit, of some whom it may concern, that Leo the Isaurian
had been celebrated at Liverpool with a prolusion of Buncombe. | was an illustrious Pope, and is not an extinct reptile.
A CITY POET WANTED.
Courteous Mr. Punch,
T. daily find three columns of mv newspaper made utterly-
unreadable by being filled with statements about dealings in the money
market, and the price of stocks and shares, and similar dry details with
no kind of human interest, except to bulls and bears and creatures of
that sort. Now, if for their sake it be needful to impart such informa-
tion, it might surely be conveyed in a manner less prosaic than that
which is adopted. Without the slightest sacrifice of stockbrokers'
slangography, or in any way abandoning the dull stupid business terms
THE ALABAMA CASE AS IT MIGHT HIVE BEEN.
General Grant's statesmanlike exposition with reference to Cuba,
of the conditions which should determine, or forbid, recognition of bel-
ligerency, ought to estop his countrymen from letting us hear any more
of their complaints about our unfriendliness in recognising the Con-
federates as belligerents during the American Civil War. It ought,
but it won't. Our American brothers are as illogical in their way as
we are in ours, which is saying something.
Suppose, when the war between North and South first broke out,
we had done all that Mr. Seward and Mr. Sumner could have
which are so much in civic usage, City news might be recorded in a >■ wished ? Suppose we had called the war " a rebellion," and the Con-
gay poetic fashion, and thus be rendered less offensive to persons like federates " rebels " ? Suppose we had, nevertheless, recognised the
mjseif who take no particle of interest in it. I subjoin a specimen of
what a City Poet might report, and, in the hope that your contempo
raries may act upon my hint, I subscribe myself,
Yours humbly,
Apollo Milton Smith.
A CHANT PROM THE CITY.
Would you know the ruling price now
Of each British stock aud share ?
List to me, and in a trice now
I their value will declare.
Thus may you gain information
How your money to invest;
But beware of speculation,
Which so many hath distrest.
Consols yesterday were flatter,
Aud at ninety-two were done :
Duller still Reduced, the latter
Beaching barely ninety-one.
Bank Stock too an eighth receded,
And in sympathy with these
A diminution must be heeded
Of a quarter in New Threes.
]n Railways scarce deserving mention
Were the changes that were made :
Brightons first received attention,
Then were flatter by a shade.
Caledonians, be it, noted,
Had a brisk and buoyant air:
But Great Easterns must be quoted
As declining one per share.
Of Mining Shares the market's fuller,
So at less coat buy you can ;
Pirm, however, stood Wheal Puller,
Dull was poor Wheal Mary Ann.
In gas the bearish operators
For a fall achieved their turn
Federal blockade of the Confederate ports ? Suppose the Quee-n had
issued a proclamation forbidding all her subjects to give any assistance
to the Southern traitors in arms aeainst the sovereignty of the United
States ? Suppose a new foreign Enlistment Act had been immediately
passed, the Alabama seized, and her builders fined r1
What would have been the consequences of sympathy thus partially
demonstrated by our Government towards the North ?
In the first place, an immediate row here. Exasperation on the part
of the British Public. Transference of its entire sympathy to the
South. Overthrow of Government. Change of Ministry. Demand
of a party for intervention concurred in by the people at large. Louis
Napoleon's overtures perhaps agreed to. And what then ?
Well; France and England too would, perhaps, have been licked
into a cocked hat. But what—and this is especially the point for the
Sewards and Sumners to consider—what would have happened if
the British Government, in its active sympathy with the North, had
been enthusiastically supported by the British nation ? What then ?
All the American Irishmen in the States, almost, would have assuredly
gone over to the South, except some who might have hesitated to take
part against England from doubts as to the certainty of pay and
plunder.
And then what would have been the issue of the struggle for tlu*
Unity of the great American Republic, and the cause of Freedom ?
COMING LITERARY EVENTS.
Some writers seem to think there is great virtue in a title, although
they have been told that there is not much in a name. As a heading
for advertisements, they look out for something striking to hit the
popular taste, perhaps believing that Ce n'est que la premiere page qui
coute. Like conveyancers, they hold that very much depends upon
getting a good title; and we are therefore not surprised at hearing
through the medium of a literary clairvoyant, that our circulating
libraries will be ere long enriched by the following new works :—
Skimmed Milk: a Domestic Story, by the Author of Below the Surface.
The Tubbing Rooms of Trinidad: a Sketch m Water Colours, published
as a sequel to The Baths and Wells of Europe
Light a Lucifer: a Sensation Story, to follow After Bark
So beware ve speculators ' Chums of my Society; descriptive Essays to accompany Companions of
Lest with gas your fingers barn.
Banks were brisk, but Docks were slower.
Telegraphs improved a shade;
Discounts being quoted lower,
Many purchases were made. Flare.
my Solitude.
A Clipboard full of Chronicles: compiled by the Author of A Storehouse
of Stories.
Vacations among Valets: a Companion Work to LLolidays on Highlands.
Step into his Shoes: a Sequel to the Popular Novel Put Yourself in his
Tame Life in a Milhvalk .- a Book of London Travel, written as a Com-
panion to Wild Life among the Kurds.
Other falls there '11 be, aud rises,
So 1 end as I began,
When you want to know the prices
In the City, I'm your man !
Tables Not Mahogany.
An Illiberal Old Gentleman. A Book, or pamphlet, is advertised under the name of Income-Tax
" Educate the Street Boys-1 beg vour pardon, the Street Arabs- i Taf es- ;'^e ™lcu]atiiig reader will perhaps misunderstand the
teach them reading, writing and arithmetic! What then, Sir p » mature of the Tables so called. He may possibly imagine that Income-
demanded Mr. Scroggs " Reading ?—they will read the Police News Jax are ^e brealdasfc dmue? tablf? °f !he Great Exempt
and the Lives of the Highwaymen. Writing ?- they will write Glad- I from the Income-tax, spread with luxuries which they enjoy at the
stone on the shutters, and Bob Lowe on the walls, ' No Popery,' j exPense ot the classes amerced by it
and other street Arabic. Arithmetic ?—the Street Arabs will only do
more addition sums on my gate-posts, besides drawing Street Ara-
besques, and scrawling ' Old Scroggs is a fool'" Information Wanted.
Will some expert tell us what " the Dive Downes Manuscript " is ?
Is it a record of researches at the bottom of the sea, or merely a MS.
account of expeditions in the Bell that is, or was, at the Polytechnic ?
Malaprop on the Mersey.
compounded geology.
Mrs. Ramsbotham (Mrs. Malaprop's friend) read in a newspaper
that at Liverpool, on the 4th instant, the principal houses of business,
shipping oflices, and American ships in port, were adorned with a fine
display of bunting in honour of " Independence Day." In quoting this In relation to the (Ecumenical Council, it may be well to mention for
intelligence she stated, that the caravanserai of American Independence | the benefit, of some whom it may concern, that Leo the Isaurian
had been celebrated at Liverpool with a prolusion of Buncombe. | was an illustrious Pope, and is not an extinct reptile.