Punch (59.1870)

September 17, 1870.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

look at one another. In an instant the Butler's Ghost sees a mistake
somewhere. Btjnd takes the opportunity, and informs him that we
wish to see the Palace.

The vision of greatness is dispelled. At a word from the Butler's
Ghost, three of the Giants replace their hats on their heads super-
ciliously, and disappear. After them disappear, in perfect order, and
without any show of confusion, their hatiess but equally gorgeous
brethren-in-livery. Then we are all alone with the Shade and one
giant, the tallest. It is explained to us : this is the time for private
receptions. Not the time, oh, dear, no, for seeing the Palace. Up to
four o'clock the Palace is open to sightseers, but after that closed.
Everyone here knows that. Joatp wishes to make a personal explana-
tion, but is called to order, and stands by the carriage-door, dis-
comfited.

Butler's Ghost declares that, the Queen being at home, sight-seeing
is impossible—utterly out of tlie question. Bund puts it to him that we
are going very early to-morrow, that he (Btjnd) has only to call on his
friend the Ambassador that moment, and he would return (in effect)
with orders to see every room in the Palace, from the attics to the
cellar. That he (Btjnd) and party are most distinguished people,
representing Literature, Science, and Art (Science being, perhaps,
Mtjntley and Fihton in the rumble, who have been hitherto taken
for our valets), and that, to sum up, if the Butler's Ghost will only
break through rules, and show the Palace, the Butler's Ghost shall
find that we will make it well worth his while ; " and therewith Btjnd,
having craftily got a large coin of the realm out of his waistcoat pocket,
presses it upon the little man's acceptance, much to Gooca's horror,
who exclaims, " I say ! Hang it! You might as well tip the Lord
Chamberlain at home," evidently under the impression that the
Butler's Shade holds that office.
The tip has its effect. The Butler's Shade takes the giant into his

peasants take off their hats to us (" They think we 're the Queen, or
something," says Gooch, much pleased), and at last we reach the hotel.
j "Veil," says Jomp, perfectly satisfied with his arrangements, "you
ave seen the Palace." And so we have; and agree that we won't see
another in the land of Boomp-je.
"Dere is not another," says Jomp, which settles the matter at once.

GLEN-(BATTLE)-FIELD STARCH.

" When you ask for Berlin, see that you get it, as another capital
may be substituted as the capture." Mutatis mutandis, most readers
will recollect something like this as a perpetual advertisement. Mr.
Punch has been amused to see the proprietor of the article advertised
has actually issued a War Map (really a pretty little one), and where
the title should be is the above recommendation, in its original form.
The appropriateness of Starch on a battle-field was not clear to Mr.
Punch until he remembered that, by taking the slightest liberty with
Sir Walter Scott (a thing that beautifully tempered man would have
smiled at), Starch—scientifically called Amidon, might be introduced
nobly. Remember the end of Bannockburn, in the Lord of the Isles .—

" Each heart had caught the patriot spark,
Old man and stripling, priest and clerk,
Bondsman and serf; even female hand
Stretched to the hatchet or the brand ;
But, when mute Amidon they heard
Give to their zeal his signal word,
A frenzy fired the throng-■"

and the English came to grief.

[N.B. We expect to have all our collars starched gratis, henceforth,
j until the good days shall come when those abominations shall cease
confidence, shares (probably) with him, or makes arrangements for from outtile land/and nothing saall hurt the British neck udeS3 its

future sharing, and finally announces to us, after disappearing into and I owner f ts the British law |
reappearing (lor mere form s sake, L am sure) from, a dark passage, |

that the Queen has graciously permitted us to see the Palace. —

I don't believe the Butler's Ghost ever went near the Queen. This i SENSIBLE SUFFOLK

is strongly borne out by his subsequent conduct.

He shows us through the rooms hurriedly, and as quickly as pos- j Th£ inhabitants of "Silly Suffolk" will deserve to have their
sible, as if he was domg somethmg wrong He stops now and then to C0Unty coupled with a less obnoxious epithet, if they act up to the
describe, but his descriptions are abbreviated and his eye wanders from ietter of the sensible advice, which lately has been given to them by

Avm A oua! i on oo if Tn lntirnQTa at tip ehnrtoir tintiOA that Ofl T IP i i ■ "i t r ■ , ' " ° J

one door to another as if to intimate at the shortest notice that, as the
Pantaloon says to the Clown when he's stealing sausages, There's
" somebody coming ! " We 're all, so to speak, stealing sausages, as
Clowns, and he's the Pantaloon.

We enter a drawing-room beautifully and curiously furnished with

their Lord Lieutenant:—

" Beggars and Vagrants.—Notice.—Wherever begging and vagrancy
are greatly on the increase in this county, and indiscriminate almsgiving is
believed to be the main cause of this evil, the public are strongly urged to

JaDanese hangings and coverings. Jomp, who follows m our wake, fi£S'5?£ Plf? t0 beggars,01; ™S™nU, of whose circumstances they can
% l i u 0„„#*j „„t. u ™T u,;,»r,o^ little „;„0™r,f' know nothing but are requested to hand Buch persons over to a policeman or

and who has been rather snuffed out by our wizened little cicerone , lsh consta°bl wh aft„r due i h m^ either take th£m before

here explains to us that Dese come from Japan, but on receiving a Magistrate, or see that they are temporarily relieved in a proper manner."
severe reproving look from the Butler s Ghost, he retires into himselt |

{he can't go very far, I should say, on such a journey), and is satisfied j Idleness, say the copy-books, is the root of evil: and indiscriminate
with corroborating with gloomy nods the various points of our cice-1 almsgiving very greatly aids the growth and cuitivation of this noxious
rone's information. root. As one of the best cultured of our agricultural counties, Suffolk

" Hush ! " says the little man, suddenly stooping down, and looking has no ground to spare for such a kind of root-crop. Beggars who
through a keyhole. encumber the land whereon they live should be hoed out, or be toed

We now discover that we are hunting the unfortunate Queen from out, with all possible despatch. If Suffolk, wisely acting on the hint
room to room. Royalty flees before us. Royalty, for what we know, of its chief constable, leaves its police to deal with the vagrants that
may be concealed behind a screen or a window-curtain, as we pass. A mfest it, Silly Suffolk will be setting such a sensible example as all the
sort of hide-and-seek. The Guide ascertains, as far as he can by the other counties would do well forthwith to imitate,
aid of the keyhole, that the Queen is not in her boudoir, and we enter.
Evidently she has not long left it. There is her book open, and music
on the piano.

A servant, in livery, suddenly appearing, motions to Butler's Ghost
to pause before rashly visiting the next apartment. " It's too bad,"
says Goocn. "Hush!" says our mysterious attendant. We halt,
'looking dubiously at one another, and then, on a sign from our leader,
who has again satisfied himself through the keyhole, we proceed
stealthily, like conspirators in an opera. We only want daggers, to
complete the resemblance. But our " sticks and umbrellas have been
left" in the carriage.

We talk, when we do talk, under our breath. We hurriedly admire
furniture and imitation bas-reliefs on the wall. We wonder at paintings
on the ceiling, and we are hurried on to the ball-room, where, it being
a very large place and only used on State occasions, we, as it were,
breathe again.

The breathing time is very short, however, and we are once rnoie
hurried along a passage, then a corridor, where more pictures are ex-
plained to us, in a sort of patter-song, as fast as ever it can be given, by
the Butler's Ghost, who, evidently very much to his own satisfaction,
brings us out on a landing which leads by the back stairs and servants'
offices to the front hall, and so we ate smuggled ignominiously out of
the building, and into our carriage.

Here we resume our dignity, and largesse is bestowed by Jomp (on
our behalf, but we ignore the process, as not dealing in such dirty
matters) upon our Guide and the tall Swiss.

Then we are driven through some lovely avenues, where all the

The "Worst Gang Going.

If e'er there was gang
That deserves to go hang,

In France's debacle of fate,
'Tis the Paris Press-Gang,
That scream slander and slang.

And be, with the foe at the gate !

Shaftesbury's Characteristics.

A.T Ryde, the other day, in a speech on behalf of the City Mission,
Lord Shaftesbury stated his belief that "ihe next census would
show a population in London of nearly four millions, a Serious propor-
tion of whom were in a state of social and moral degradation so great
that, in his opinion, unless something were done to improve them, the
British Constitution would not be worth a quarter of a century's pur-
chase." Goodness gracious! Who ever expected to hear such a
statement concerning "serious" people from the Earl or Shaftes-
bury ?

"here (may) re truths."

One change in the French Ministry will be approved by all. As
Director of Telegraphs we have M. Steinwackers, vice M. Tell-

whackers.