December 3, 1870.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

239

when it, as it seems, calls itself, for a short; man advances between the
dock and the Solicitors' bench with a bag full of papers, and addresses
his Worship.

The Magistrate places himself on his elbows, and bends towards him
with both hands up to his ears.

"Now then, Sir," he says, as briskly as ever (always on a sort of
"one down, t'other come on" principle), " Who are you ? What do
you want ? Go on, Sir."

The Gentleman with the Bag commences. It appears that he wants
a great deal. It also appears that he has been before that Court several
times before, and has an application to make. The word "applica-
tion " settles his business at once.

" I really can't take up the public time," says Mr. Sharply (meaning
his own time) " with applications. Stand down, Sir."

But the Man with a Bag hasn't come there to stand down. He in-
sists upon the Magistrate hearing him.

"A case, Sir," the Man with the Bag goes on, while Ma, Sharply
stands aghast at his perseverance, and looks round the Court at the
people and police with the kiud of air with which Henry must have
said of Thomas-1-Beckrt, " Have I no one who will rid me of this
utter bore?" I think t-he Wavering Policeman has some passing
idea of removing the Man with a Bag, but he can't make up his mind to
any decisive step.

The man proceeds—"A case, Sir, has arisen out of a matter of tres-
pass-" Mr. Sharply frowns, and resumes his attitude of attention,

as much as to intimate that he'll give him a chance, and just see what
he's driving at—" of trespass, which is of great immediate interest to
the persons concerned, and to the public in general"—movement of
impatience on the part of Mr. Sharply—" and I should say that in
this case "—Mr. Sharply refers to his watch—"I am the complainant
and the solicitor." Mr. Sharply all attention again. Man with Bag
continues, evidently aware that the thread of his discourse may be
snipped at any moment—"The ground landlord of Number Two,

vious to his bankruptcy, and "—here he warms with his subject, and
addresses the Magistrate forcibly—■" on the second of June in the year
eighteen hundred and sixty-scven-

(), I can't listen to this," says Mr. Sharply, shaking his head.
" Call the next case."

" But, Sir," says the Man with the Bag, appealingly. Mr. Sharply
is down on him. " Don't bawl at me, Sir. Good gracious ! is it to
be a question whether you are to be heard, or I? No, Sir," seeing
the man beginning again, " I won't have it. Go away, Sir. Here !"
(to Wavering Policeman.) " Remove that person. Now, call the next
case."

The "person" doesn't wait to be removed, but removes himself, bag
and all, and retires, explaining his case to the Wavering Policeman,
who evidently does his best to comfort him, without committing himself
to any view which may compromise him in his official character.
A vagrant, all dirt, rags, and tatters, has stepped into the dock.
" Poor fellow !" says my Aunt; the first words she has uttered since
the advent of Mr. Sharply, who has utterly staggered her.

A Policeman is in the witness-box, and takes his oath on a Testament
with the greatest ease.

"Now, then," says Mr. Shahply.

The Policeman deposes that he was on dutv, &c, &c , and saw, &c,
&c, and warned, &c, &c. And it all rolls off his tongue as pleasantly
as possible, and the Vagrant is asked if he has anything to say to Mr.
Sharply on the subject; and it appearing that the Vagrant has nothing
to say to him, after giving him one second to think it over, he (Mr.
Sharply) has something to say to the Vagrant, which is, that he is
committed for a month with hard labour; and this being all done,
settled, and dismissed at high-steam pressure, the Vagrant is taken
away by a Policeman, and justice being satisfied, Mr. Sharply darts a
look at his watch, and calls for " the next case."

We have all along been expecting that ours is the next case, and my
Aunt is in a frightfully nervous state, and very pale. The Bum Lady
Fuller's Gardens, received the sum of ten shillings and sixpence pre- \ too, is becoming excited, and has her eye still fixed on " that Purkiss.'"

OUR CALCULATING GIRLS.

xjch has been said about the great
cleverness of certain calculating boys,
but we have met with many girls, who
in feats of quick arithmetic, are every
whit as wonderful. We have now the
happiness of knowing a young lady
who, within five minutes of her enter-
ing a ball-room, can calculate the cost
hmmi^^^^iim» of every toilette present, down to the

M >< .y' minutest article cnmnrisied in it So

:71

PERPLEXING.

" Produce market. Jute. Steady. On the spot about -500 bales have
changed hands. B C L, in heart, No."4, at £22 ; and David's M 1) No. 4 new
crop, at £21 15*. per ton."

Will some one high up in the mercantile world, some City prince
with a few moments to spare from Turkish and Russian Securities, ex-
plain to a bewildered intellect what connection there can possibly be
between a Bachelor of Civil Law or a Doctor of Medicine and—Jute ?

Circulars and Sovereigns.

"mmm • -

minutest article comprised in it. So
rapid are her acts of mental mathe-
matics that we would back her, after I A Gang of American coiners, under the name of a firm, have been
throwing but one glance round the j sending over from New York a number of business Circulars recom-
room, to enumerate the details of at mending, as especially eligible for passing as genuine, a peculiar de-
least a dozen dresses, naming the right scription of base sovereigns which they have manufactured. The
number of flounces on each dress, and arrival of these Circulars concerning base Sovereigns, simultaneously
even of the bows of ribbon worn as with Gortschakoee's Circular on the part of his Sovereign, is a
ornament. Give her a clear five remarkable coincidence,
minutes' talk and she will astonish
your male mind by appraising the
costume of all the partners you have
danced with: distinguishing which
dresses are put on for the first time,
and which have seen a season's, or it
may be two years', service ; and count-

The New Style.

Simplicity is fast disappearing from our language. Be fine, be
grand, or you are nothing. So a writer in a weekly periodical must
think, to give this heading to his article—" New Elements of Hand-
, Railing." Will he not follow it up with "New Rudiments of Spout-
ing how many yards of muslin, sdk, jn„» "New Germs of Gas-piping," "New Constituents of Draining

Tiles," &c. ?

or satin are contained in every dress,
and what amount of lace and labour
were expended in the making. She
will calculate, moreover, how many
times Miss Skimpie must have worn
that coral wreath, before, by way of novelty, she added the green sea-
weed to it; and how often poor Miss Hardtjppe had her pink skirt
turned, before, to hide its shabbiness, she sewed that cheap black crape
on it. Besides this, if you ask her, she will calculate the sum that
Mrs. Skynfltnt pays per annum to get her daughters' gloves cleaned ;
and she will count up -what Mr?s Cbcesus (to whom you were so atten-
tive that you danced twice running with her) would, at her present rate
of usage, expend annually on scents, if it were not for the fact that
her Papa (as you, of course, have heard) was a perfumer.

The Courier of St. Petersburg.

Daniel O'Connell used to boast that he could drive a coach and
four through an Act of Parliament. The Czar oe Russia has tried his

Birds of Bad Habits.

A Correspondent of the Times states that a pair of house-martens
were observed the other day (November 19) flying about in the High
Street of Great Marlow, Bucks. These members of the Swallow
family remind one of jolly companions who won't go home till morning,
also of those who, though sober, dance, and stay dancing at balls and
evening parties up to hours equally unseasonable. They are late birds.

at the antipodes.

There are Swells all over the world. Erom a review in the Times,
we are delighted to find that New Zealand as well as Old England has
its " Hau-hau Sect."

hand at driving his Imperial carriage through a Treaty. I less sense than an ox.

Dr. Johnson's Last.—{By Our Own Medium).—Sir, Don't talk to
me of self-sacrifice. Sir, the man who would sacrifice himself has