Punch (60.1871)

January 14, 1871.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

19

THE UNNECESS ARIES OF LIFE.

Christmas Boxes.

Honorary Colonels.

Commissions by Purchase.

Paint—on the Face.

Morning Calls.

Long Sermons.

After-dinner Speeches.

Noisy Newspaper Boys.

Street Music, Acrobats, Niggers, &c.

Railway Directors.

Grand Juries.

City Churches.

Temple Bar.

Hamilton Place.

Gumming's Prophecies.

Tupper's Philosophies.

Nine out of ten New Novels.

Farthings.

Black Beetles.

Poor Relations.

Game Laws.

The Pope.

The Lord Privy Seal.

The Compliments of the Season.

Undeniable Sentiment.—Charity says, " Take the
Will for the Deed." " Bravo ! " exclaims the Legatee.

Saluting Vessels.—Smacks.

He smiled—as if the God Thor were abolished. Thank Woden, the
Thermometer next day was 42°.

FROM H. M. KING PHffiBUS TO MR. PUNCH.

Dear Punch,

GENEROSITY TO IRELAND.
The disestablishment of the Irish Church having now been con-

I am the most persecuted monarch. I don't complain of < summated, certain vacancies in the House of Lords result from the
the Earth's revolutions. They don't affect me. But of all persons' retirement of Irish Bishops. A Correspondent calling himself
placed by Providence in an exalted situation, I, Sir, have to submit! " Conciliation " suggests that they afford a splendid opportunity

to the greatest annoyances. Talk of Lord Lorne being mobbed by
photographers! why, his case is a joke to mine. Morning, noon,
and night, in the four quarters of the globe, persons calling them-
selves ladies—aye, Sir, ladies—and gentlemen, are perpetually
watching my movements with a curiosity which is as vulgar and ill

to Her Majesty's Government of doing more than justice to Ireland,
which is iess than Ireland wants. He considers that the vacant
Peerages enable Mr. Gladstone, if willing, to treat_ Ireland with
generosity. Let the Premier, he says, fill the seats in the Upper
House, which the Irish Bishops have vacated, with Fenian jour-

bred as it is impertinent and intrusive. ! nalists, and that they may feel the honour thus conferred upon them

My Heavens! is this the nineteenth century ? It is, alas! it is. truly worth their acceptance, let him be sure to attach a sufficient
And—I regret to have to say it—the more advanced the civilisation, pension to their several titles,
the more prying and persistent is their curiosity. —

I cannot even get my own day, Sunday, once a-week to myself.
Ah. Sir, would that we could return to the ancient times of Rome PARALLEL PASSAGES.

and Greece, when I really teas a Sovereign, and more, a Divinity .
but this age of Progress and republican sentiments has reduced me
to a mere second-rate power; and, my chariot and horses having
lung since been put down, I may as well give up my corona, too,
and abdicate entirely, patiently awaiting the results of a reaction in
my favour.

Thousands of people—snobs all—are daily out on hill tops, moun-
tain tops, and house tops, to see me rise in the morning. They
remark on my colour ; if I am pale and weak, there is no commisera-
tion for me. They (ladies, Sir, as I have already emphatically ob-
served) watch me taking my vapour bath, and ingenuously notice
that I am "watery." If I am red, they call me angry ; and so I
am, but I am blushing at the indignity to which I am being sub-
jected. As to the occasional spots on my face—they're constitu-
tional, and not the consequence of intemperate habits. I arranged
with my dear Diana the other day (chaste Oueen! she is utterly
shocked at such conduct) for what you on earth call an eclipse. I
was determined to retire and take a holiday, and Di promised to
represent me for the day. The news got about; out came photo-
graphers, out came ships full of " scientific men," sight-seers and
cargoes of the profanum valgus, quos ego—as my poor old Nep once
sung out, and then stopped short—all determined to see what I
intended to do, and where I was going to.

But this time they were disappointed. I had fortunately tipped
the Clerk of the Weather, and he so "fogged" the enterprising
snobs that they were unable to get anything more than a glimpse of
one of my candles which were lighted when I was about to make
myself comfortable for the evening. Diana was a trump on that
occasion. And having registered my complaint, and kicked up this
little shine, mon cher Punchus,—I remain,

Your ever attached Luminary,

Sun Office, Apollo Lodge. The Ray Galantuomo Phcebus.

" The inundation [at Rome] will, doubtless, be considered by many
Italians as of ill omen. A lady, the wife of a Captain in the Pope's late
army, said to me, yesterday, that she firmly considered it a judgment of
Heaven on the people of Rome."—Roman Correspondent, Times of
January 5.

" During the thunderstorm on the morning of the 26th, a thunderbolt fell
on the Vatican, near the apartment of Monsignok MmiATBLLl; another fell
in the Villa Ludovisi."—Roman Correspondent, Echo of January 5.

Two sides can play at this game of "Judgments." Why should
not " the people of Rome " consider the thunderbolt on tin Vatican
a " Judgment " on the Pope of Rome ?

Football.

During the present winter schooltime the game of Football has
attracted considerable attention. A Medical Man has asserted that,
in a short space of time, several hundred accidents to arms, heads,
and. legs have resulted from this game. His statistics have been
contradicted, and a Calculating Boy has shown that, given a certain
number of games in a certain time, the accidents can be reduced, in
the instance of each game, to a mere fraction. Satisfactory.

figures cut on ice.

In the graceful displays which youth of both sexes have lately
been occupied with making on the frozen ponds, it has been re-
marked that the " Grecian Bend " has not been generally so remark-
able as the " Roman Fall."

The Bitter End."—The last half-inch of a Halfpenny Cigar.