Punch (60.1871)

June 10, 1871.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

231

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

fmSSf ^wjgm essieuks "the Commons re-assembled ,/////<> 1, but Mi;.
^^niimTffifB-^^! Gladstone being- indisposed, could not attend. So tbe
proceedings were uninteresting'. Yet you will not think
so when, Mr. Punch has described them, such is the charm, such the magic
of his variegated narrative.

The Home Secretary promised to go on with the Prayer-Book Bill. We
strongly advise him to keep his word. There are hundreds of Godfathers in
a most uncomfortable condition. They want the new Prayer-Books,_that
they may be elegantly bound, and presented to M. or N. Hundreds of
Mammas, who don't know anything about Parliament, or won't take the
trouble to understand anything about it, are privately setting down these
unfortunate Sponsors as Mean Wretches (0, ladies can use plain speech
when they like), whereas they are only victims of circumstance. Of course,
the maternal response will be, Who asked them for Prayer-Books ? Has
Hancock no cups, or spoon-cum-forks ? has Jenner-cttm-Knewsteb no
Bags of Bags? has Howell-cem-James no articles of Virtue, marry-cum-
up ? But these questions are beside the question.

Do you know that England has already lent £24,000 to Irish tenants, to
enable them to buy their farms, under the late Land Act? She has, though.
Doubtless this is in some way or other a tyrannical act, an outrage, and an
insult; but Mr. John Martin must explain how it is so. If any lady will
lend us £24,000, she shall be thanked civilly, and shall never hear another
word upon the subject, never.

Mr. Denison perceived a grievance in the existence of Hamilton Gardens.
For the information of the Antipodes, be it said that these are a very small
piece of Hyde Park, enclosed in 1826, and open to anybody who likes to pay
three guineas a-year for a key. Mr. Atrton was quite right in saying that
they form an elegant screen, and the throwing them open would be of
next to no benefit to anybody.. So thought 90 Members against 52. Some-
body will next propose* to throw open the Ornamental Enclosure in the
E-egent's Park, which is the great civiliser and refiner of that part of
London, and whence a much lovelier view is obtained over the water and
towards the woods than you can get at any Scotch lake, only as this one can
be seen for nothing, and without a bothersome journey, foolish people don't
think much about it. Now, will not a gang of " perfervids" scratch
" Cockney " on the margin of this number of Punch ? Let 'em scratch, the
prospect can't be scratched away, though their nails were as long as St.
Anthony's in the desert.

We went at the Civil Service Estimates, and there were all sorts of
grumbles and growls. Somebody complained that the messenges of the
House were not allowed to bring strangers' cards to the Members. Mr.
Ayrton thought the present rule convenient, especially as there were_ com-
munications which Members would rather not receive. This little epigram
told. Bores are bad enough, and duns are worse.

Me. Rylands, whom Mr. Disraeli called the Didactic
Gentleman, objected to the pay of the Foreign Office Mes-
sengers. Now, look here. These must be educated gentle-
men, who have to be trusted with the most awfully im-
portant State papers (documents that might agitate all the
Stocks of Europe, and bring on Wars and all sorts of com-
motions), and they have to travel night and day, "posters
of the sea and land " as hard as steam or horseflesh can
hurry them. And what is_ their splendid remuneration ?
£400 a year, and a sovereign a day (bagman's pay), for
travelling expenses. This the Didactic thinks too much.
But Lord Eneield, and others, who knew what they were
talking about, fired up for the Messengers, and no division
was taken.

Discussion on the use of the Lord Privy Seal. He has
but £2805 a year, and his business is to be the Odd Man of
the Cabinet, to do anything of any sort that he is asked to
do, and to be always ready to advise everybody else. There
be odd men, and odd men, but Punch thinks with Mr.
Sclater Booth that Lord Halifax is uncommonly cheap
at the price. Punch would give him twice the money
to attend at No. 85, open the Correspondence, and advise on
cigars. However, the Committee voted by 73 to 44 that he
should not be open to a new engagement.

Then we had a squabble on the City Charities, and in
answer to complaint that a good deal of City money was
spent in hospitalities, Mr. Alderman Lawrence said, witk
noble spirit, that it

" had been from time immemorial the custom for the Companies tc
give entertainments in their halls to distinguished persons and
others, and this, by bringing men of different ranks and different
sentiments together, tended beneficially to mould opinion in the
Gity. Those attacks against the Livery Companies of the City of
London were but a pandering to vulgar prejudices."

Well said, Mr. Alderman. Elderman Punch has sat at
good men's feasts in the City, and he maintains that money
is much better spent in regaling intellectual persons like
himself than in creating generations of pauper pensioners
on charity. Your health, Mr. Alderman, and soon may you
hold to ns the Loving Cup, though that mixture is not nice
by any means, and might be inconceivably improved by the
compounder's studying a delightful little book on "Cool
Drinks."

Here's glory ! Hats off! The Head of the Stationery-
Office has reduced the number of steel-pens used in the
■public offices by one-third, and, listen, the number of quill-
pens from 840,000 to 430,000 ! That's something for a
statesman to be proud of. "Peace has her victories," and
so on. We have no idea who this distinguished economist
is, butperhax)s his ancestor fought at Chevy Chace, and when
Sir Hegh Montgomery was shot, picked the Grey Goose
Wing off the arrow, and said that it would " do again."

We sat till nearly one at this sort of thing, and Walpole
kindly begged us off the morning's sitting for next day.
The rigid-minded Head Master being away, the gentle
Bruce gave us the holiday.

Friday. Government signified that they had received no
communication from the French authorities on the subject
of the delivering up of refugees. Nor have Government
taken the liberty of remonstrating with M. Thiers as to
the amount of chastisement which he was inflicting upon
incendiaries and assassins.

Mr. White, speaking on the Estimates, did not think
that we ought to tax the present generation in order to
relieve posterity from some of the National Debt. He
thought that posterity would be able to manage its own
affairs better than we manage ours, or else all the Educa-
tion we are bestowing will be thrown away. After some
brilliant displavs of fireworks—we mean figures—which
dazzled the House, the Chancellor oe the Exchequer
waxed eloquent on our duty to those who will come after
us, and insisted on our manifesting patriotism and self-
denial. He reallv delivered himself of a "fine finish,"
and the House applauded him heartily. Should the English
(he asked), in the exuberance of their prosperity, say that
they would do nothing for their successors ?

" If they did so, would they not deserve the taunt of Horace to
the Eoman youth :

Non his juventus orta parentibus,
Infecit eequor sanguine Punico ?
No one would believe that they were the children of the men of
Waterloo and Trafalgar."

After this two Counts were tried in vain, but on the
third Count the House -was found guilty of being no House,
" and so to bed."