Punch (60.1871)

February 25, 1871.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

79

But once let your man give ground, Bixl,
And he's down on you, hot and hard,

And you '11 find him a rum 'un to stop, Bill,
If he gets within your guard.

And if you're for quoting- me, Bill,—■

Which I'd rather you did not—
Mind its always the right sow, Bill,

As by the ear you 'ye got—■
Words to keep up your own side's pluck, Bill,

And take the other's down,.
And bring home the old colours a winner,

As I did, to the Old Crown !

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

nv, yes, we have seen Mn.
Toole in what is left of
Mu. Thompson's Japanese
Extravaganza, and " Yet
we are not happy." After
which preface we will at
once proceed to the Gaiety.

Time : any time between 7
and 9. Place : Stalls.

Fascinating Stall-keeper
{to Elderly Gentleman and
Parti/.) Book of the words,
Sir ?

Young Lady (of the
party). 0, get a book,
Uncle.

Uncle (generously). Ah,
yes, I '11 have two—(ex-
plaining) I always like to
follow the words of this
sort of piece or an opera.
[They seat themselves.
Swell (to Friend).
Toole's doosid funny in
this, I'm told.

Friend (lounging well
bach, and apparently
smoking a toothpick)* Ya-as—(pauses and considers)—Ya-as, he's
doosid "funny ; he's always saying, " Yet I am not happy."

[At this exquisitely humorous idea both smile.
Insouciant Gentleman from Club (enters during overture and re-
cognises an acquaintance in Stall behind him). How do? (Pause.)
Any news to-night ?

Acquaintance (wondering why on earth he should be asked this).
Kb, nothing particular.

\_By which he means that he hasn't seen any of the evening
papers.

Large Middle-aged Lady (superbly attired, sees distinguished f riends
in private box, and inwardly wishes that distinguished friends would
see her ; nudges her husband.) There are the Gbigsons. (Husband
looks up at the Gbigsons, and prepares to nod.) I wonder who 's with
them ?

Miss Grigson (in private box, sees their friends below, and whispers
her mother). Don't look down, Mamma, there are those Smith-
kinses, and if they meet us here we must ask them for next Tuesday.
{They both carefully look the other way during the performance,
and take care to leave while the Smithkinses are intent on
the stage.

The piece commences. Beautiful dresses, and the whole thing ex-
cellently well put on the stage.

Musical Amateur (critically). It's called an Opera bouffe. There's
precious little music in it.

His Companion. Heeve's isn't it ? Ah! not up to Chilperic, or
Le Petit Faust.

Well-informed Musical Amateur. And nowhere near La Grande
Duchesse. [ Which is the only Opera bouffe he knows.

His Companion (correcting him). That was Offenbach's.

Well-informed One (not in the least disconcerted). Of course.

Elderly Gentleman (who has bought the books, in order to follow
the words closely). I can't make out where they are. (Me. Toole has
■been on the stage for some time, talking. Elderly Gentleman continues
■in despair) I've been turning over the pages, and I can't find any -
thing he's saying.

[Great rustling of books. People trying to find out what Me.
Toole's talking about, but " Yet they are not happy."

Purchasers of Looks (all over the house shutting them up). It 's
no good.

[They devote themselves to listening. Me. Toole continues his
Japanese Entertainment—roars of laughter.
Mr. Toole (to audience). You'll excuse my taking oft*my glove.
[More roars. 'This is repeated something under fifty times, and
is laughed at more and more.
Mr. Toole's next Witticism. I know that, &c, &c.—(anything that
comes into his head)—and yet I am not happy.

[Convulsions of laughter.
Mr. Toole. Waggery baggery wum pum Shoreditch howareyou-
to-morrow up a choopchey please remember the grotto wally-
mauwoky Bismarck, and two pennuth of nuts by balloon post
ipachee pa woo bang squash.

[Shouts of laughter. Further search in the books, after which
they are closed and pocketed, and any attempt at ascertaining
what is said, except by listening to it (and the theatre is not
a place in which to read but to hear a play) is given up.
Mr. Toole (appearing in a private box). Here I am—yet I am not
happy. (Comes out with a vague pun, apropos of nothing in par-
ticular) I know what one will do, now you '11 see what 'Two '11
(Toole) do. Excuse me taking oft' my glove. Yet I am not happy.
Excuse me taking off my glove—yet I am not happy, &c, &c., ad
libitum. »

Then some wonderful tumbling by Messes. DAUBAN and Waed.
Everybody unanimously pleased with Me. Toole's Entertainment
entitled "Aladdin the Second, or a Nicht wi' Toole.''''

Swell (coming out). Why's it called Aladdin the Second?
His Friend (coming out stronger). Because it's Toole the first,
and Aladdin afterwards. But (quotes) " Yet I am not happy."

[Exeunt 0nines.

A propos of Theatres generally, the new Court Theatre (in which
Court it is we have not yet been able to ascertain) issues a novel kind
of play-bill. It is in four pages, which are three too many, and on
the first is a Bed Lion guarding an almanack. Red Lion Court is,
we fancy, in the Strand, so this figure is evidently not intended to
symbolise the locality. The two middle pages give the programme
which commences with Turn him Out (when you've only just taken
your seat) is continued with Randall's Thumb (the four fingers being
thrown in, probably after the fashion described by the sexton in one
of the Ingoldsby Legends) and ends with It's all a Mistake, which
last will not be, we hope, the summing up of either the audience or
the highly enterprising management. But the second page of the
programme is its gem. It proposes to place before the reader the
' Distances for Hackney Carriages " from the Boyal Court Theatre
to various places (or vice versa) which are carefully catalogued under
the headings of 1, Churches ; 2, Exhibitions; 3, Newspaper Offices;
4, Railways; and 5, Theatres.

To commence with No. 1. Nothing is more likely than that the
greater part of every audience is either going to or coming from a
Church. So far, so good. But how far ? Let us take up the first
Church which the pious gentleman who drew up the Court pro-
gramme has placed on his list. It is—

" Clapham Common—The Plough (over Vauxhall Bridge).''1

There may be a Plough Church, but it sounds uncommonly like a
tavern. Let us take Church No. 2 :—

" Covent Garden, Great Russell Street."

There is a church in Covent Garden, and there may be one in
Great Bussell Street, but the first is not called Covent Garden
Church (perhaps he was thinking of the choristers at Evans's) nor
is the latter, if it exists, known as Great Russell Street Church.

The Third Church named in our Court Theatre Guide is—

•' CREMORNE GARDENS, KING'S ROAD."

Ah, yes, Incumbent the B,ev. E. T. Smith, pew-openers by a
corps de ballet, Clerk Me. Eeiend, Beadle by M. Mllano.

After this it will not surprise any one (though we pity the country
cousin on his first visit to town falling in with the Court Theatre
programme and general guide) to be informed that under the head
of Exhibitions "—we again quote verbatim—are included

" Hammersmith—North End Road,

" Hyde Park Corner—'The Lamp Post."

What a charming Exhibition, and how inexpensive—"The Lamp
Post at Hyde Park Corner." No Paterfamilias should neglect to
take his children to see this exciting spectacle. The other exhibi-
tions, though, of course, not equalling in attractiveness the afore-
said Lamp Post, are very well in their way, and are—

" Kennington Gate (over Vauxhall Bridge)."

" Leicester Square." (! ! ! )

" Maida Hill—Aberdeen Place." (.*.')

Under "Railways" Temple Bar is given, and under "Theatres,"
is placed " Whitehall, Horse Guards." This last is perhaps satirical.
The Programme, as it lies before us now, issued on the first night of
the Court Theatre's career, is well worth preserving.